**sigh**

Funny thing about this little heart of mine, all the ways that it can say things...
Longer than forever, till the end of time, no matter come what may
Look at me now, sitting all by myself, face another sleepless night all alone.

All I look forward to is lying here living this thought.

Listenin to the songs i like...'Leaving on a Jet Plane,' 'Blowin' in the Wind,' 'The Silly Games that People Play'...each of them carries your memory still, I can still see that look in your eyes.

That one that preceded your kisses and followed your sighs.

I can't escape thinking every day about you, can't escape wishing....

Every rain in the morning reminds me of you, every night when it's cold outside,
every time that I ache inside.

Sometimes I wish it was years ago, we were starting all over again.
Yet the way that I feel is much more than just remembering when.
I can't escape thinking every day about you, can't escape wishing, dear, you were still mine.
Can't escape thinking maybe I still love you, can't escape caring for you all of the time.

All of the time. All of the time.

R.I.P

a while back... i was a lost teen...

figuring out how my life would take me...

thinking abt where i would be... what i would be doing... thinking that my friends are my world... thinking tht a handful of people would be there for me for all eternity... in this childish fansy tht everything will stay the same as it is the only difference will be a few wrinkles on my skin... ok... so not really a few but a mighty load of them but thts it.... i was also in this fantasy land where mothers are always strong... and would always be there when u cry... when u laugh... and would never leave your side... ever...

i just woke up under the tree of enlightenment a coupla months back.... nothing would stay the same... everything is so transitory... friends, friendship, relationships, goals aspirations... the irony is that science has made it such tht these will always be transitory but the wrinkles need never come!!! with all the anti ageing, botox, etc etc...

all this didn't come to me at an instant of realisation!

i am watching my mom grow old.... dealing with the fact that those close to us will probably depart before we do, while dealing with the loss of someone who was dear to my heart, so much so tht i am reminded of him everytime i cross the bus stand, everytime i eat roti and dhal... everytime i smell old spice... everytime i see some man wearing a lot of beads ard his neck, everytime i  see an old man with an in tuck shirt try and cross a busy road on his own....

watched my friends grow out of friendships, watched people walk out of relationships..watched my dreams of setting the worls right transform itself into a whole different realm...

watched my sis grow up from a toddler whos carrying a stuffed toy twice her size to a smooth suave beautiful young career woman...

whats surprising is what made me realise all this was when i was watching a movie!! not any sober good brainstuff... but a no brainer...Bluffmaster!!! of all movies!! when bohman Irani asks the protagnist think and tell me the unforgettable moments in your life... and tot back...

all those moments... all of them were of my family, when mom made those yummy dosa's and when my sister held my hand just because she wanted to... the times when my dad would let me ride piggy back with him... the first pici clicked was of my sis as a kid with a crown in her head posing as old time models would... little knowing what the future held...

life's so fleeting.... so fleeting that memories come and memories go... that at times i stop to think which ones are memories and which is the real deal...

R.I.P kittu... i miss you.