jalebi bhai....

 A few days back.... I was at a foreign land with people around me speaking their native tongue while I look at them like they are speaking Martian to me....a zapped out of focus look coming into my eye.... Ill try focusing on what they are saying.... Even try wrapping my head around the weird noises they make by watching their lips move and mentally play the movement out in slow motion before I nod my head in the indian way.... A half hearted yes and a half hearted no put together forming the indian nod.... So yup....
Moral of the story I didn't understand jackshit of jalebi land and I knew I'm screwed if I get lost en route to anyplace while I satisfied my itch to explore.....
While I sat wondering what it is I could do to keep me occupied other than to look around a light bulb popped in my head! Didn't I come here to study! Maybe I should do that.... And like all light bulbs it blew its fuse after its short life.... By short life I mean a verrrry short life.... A matter of seconds before I finish my thoughts would be a little longer than the existence of the thought itself.... And again back to square one....
Finally went and did wat I do best.... Local roads explored.... Local markets check... Local theaters check.... A few local temples.... Only the old ones check.....and I got along well enough.... I did get lost quite a few times.... But I flapped my arms around like a giant bird and asked for the closest landmark I could remember and these stupid men with a mouth full even overflowing with pan twisting their necks up so to prevent them loosing drops of the darned juice and giving me a full on view of their reddened palate, stained teeth and a few times up their.... Nose..... Would give me direction that's even a language speaker couldn't understand for a million bucks.... Ill try deciphering and repeat what they said, for which I get eager nods and a condescending smile.... Only to realise after the first few times that jalebi land always has confused idiots giving directions, left gets Substituted for right and the other way around..... Imagine if the men gave directions as wonderful as this..... I cringe to think of the directions from the lovely ladies of jalebi land.....
 Finally I gave up.... Started jay walking.... Happy and content window shopping.... Watching people. Just amazed at the range of colors people wear.... I swear I saw a lady draped in a neon green with electric blue saree....with glass work.... Obviously.... And I had to wear shades over my eyes to protect them from the reflective impact.... Turning away.... Pink cotton candy and I was thrilled.... Walking toward it I realised it was the shirt of a guy turned toward some stall... Him in his shirt which from the back I saw fluffy shapes and then kicked myself for mistaking a person... However out of shape they are.... How the hell did I associate that with cotton candy??!!? I guess I needed some glucose in my body.... Stopped roadside at a shop famous for its roadside eats.... Dosas idlis vadas..... I had asked for the safest u can get.... Idlis hot off the steamer.... While the lady was preparing to hand the plate over to me.... I saw.... I know I saw... A tail disappearing under one of the containers.... The tail preceded by a black furry huge body..... Now I need a break for sure.... I walked, walked and walked.... Like sivaji ganesan said till the end of the world I walked... Atleast thts not how bad my feet felt.... I knew if I kept going I may not be able to take the schedule planned for the next week...
Rats! (all pun intended)
Now time for some chocolate and some cotton candy....:)

panchi nadiyan, pavan ke jhonkey

 The silence of the unknown kills.... The noise of the known suffocates.... The air I breathed in when I travelled the sights I saw brought life, filled my eyes with joy which it was deprived of in such a long time.....
I was driving along searching for the meaning of life.... The thoughts of life beyond filling my head.... The questions plaguing me for a while now remaining unanswered... Why me.... Why now.... What now.... Never had I thought what next.... Never has that crossed my mind.... Going with the current in the vast endless ocean of life must have been What's destined for me....
 Destiny?? What's that?a single word on which everything rests?? Anything u do is destiny.... Everything tht u don't do will also be called destiny.....
Was driving.... On the road for close to ten or even twelve hours? Maybe more.... Had. Quite a few pit stops.... Some for yummy fiery looking masala kadala.... At times for seempaal.... Yummy stuff..... A few times for a tiny taste of coffee or even at time yes u better believe it... Chaai! I don't remmber the number of goiaakkaas I ate... Nor do I remember the details of the kilos of elandhapazhams that went I went through in the time travelled.... The small thrills of life... The memories of childhood taking wings and spreading her comfortable warmth over me....The sparse landscapes slowly had smatterings of green in it... Eventually it was a carpet of green.... Different shades.... Different lengths.... At a stretch I smelt eucalyptus from a far I sighted the entire groove.... Sat for a while under the strong fragrance.... The fatigue from the drive all forgotten.... Going further the beauty of chrysanthemum plantations.... A beautiful blanket of fragrant yellow.... Spread until the end of my field of vision.... My senses were in an overload... The farm in which I had gotten down to smell the flowers had a maali who was so amused by the glee in my face the he had kept a dozen of palm sized flowers aside for me which he stuffed into my hands without me even asking him.... The hills, the valleys, the forests, the birds.... The songs of the river....
The ideal balm to the soul.... Maybe destiny.....

is that lady luck???

 Radiance as much as the moon, fragrant as the jasmine, with a doe like gaze... With a feline grace.... She walked toward me.... Her steps as delicate as the dew drop on a flowers petal.... She walked and I could picture the rainbow, could hear clearly the birds chirping around me.... Her hair as dark as kaajal.... In long waves down her beautiful torso.... Her eyes the color of chocolate..... Such dusky perfection of color on her skin, never have I seen before..... She spoke in such silence that I had to shake my head to see if I heard the words unsaid..... There she stood.... One side of bank and I on the other with silence flowing between us like a river on a full moon day.... I blinked and I could have sworn she was by my side.... When all the while she was standing so far away.... I could make out her ironic smile as she walked away taking with her...her fragrance and her mesmerising beauty.... My oh my.....**sigh**

a hand anyway....

 Nothing no-one.... Blank.... Blind.... Maybe.... Everythings a state of mind... A perception.... Standing from one side its easy to perceive a person to be one having everything that a person needs with everyone around him.... But it takes a while to shed the pink colored tint cast upon us by the colored window that we see through.... And when we do... We may find all we saw in our minds eye true.... Or.... We may end up seeing a frail, old, helpless lonely being stripped of the feeling of contentment and helpless, extending his hand out for us to help him or just simply to hold onto not for support.... But to just feel wanted or cared for.....
Funny thing perception..... , times when u r in a crowd but feel alone..... Times when u r alone but feel crowded....
Silver lining around a dark cloud...
The rose at the end of a thorny stem....
The oasis in an arid desert....
Lovely delicate coral in the deep unforgiving ocean...
The dust that turns into pearl is dust anyway.... The coal becoming a diamond is a piece of coal anyway.....
The valuable hand in need, is still a hand anyway.....

change....the inevitable dynamic...

There was a phase. Where, I thought noone has been through as much as me.... And I would wake up to the ordeal of facing another day.... Just getting out of bed would be too much to handle for me... I went on... Carried on... Would hear my mother everyday every night and what ever time she got in-between her hectic working day tell me and keep reminding me that I'm a strong person... I needed her to keep reminding me.... Everytime shed call exactly when I would be in a deflated balloon state and her call would be the only thing that would pull me through.... Not completely because of wat she said, it was also predominantly because she believed when I didnt... I couldn't see myself in that light and I believed that she saw me as she did and believed in her eyes....
The tenderness, the pain, the regret, the outrage, the anger and the pain almost always again... And finally the resignation when I refused to take the hands reaching out to me.... All in her eyes.... After a while there was so much a whole ocean of understanding from those very eyes when I spoke to her about what I thought I was going through.... She until then knew what it was, the facts on the table.... But I never let anyone through my bubble... Kept revisiting my own private hell hole... Reminders of waking up in new surroundings to new people to constant criticism, ridicule, adjusting to new people, new life, new responsibility not being easy.... Numerous tears, words, confusion, fear and more tears... My own black world.....
All I wanted was to go back in time a couple of years and erase everything that led to the dark phase and go back to living with my mother, waking up to the hustle bustle of the kitchen, the loud barks of the little guy not having a tiny detail to see to myself... Everything taken care of by everyone around me.... The careless days... That's what I wanted to go back to....
But its a good thing that at the same time I wanted to be real, be practical, be independent and more so to show my mother that I was the person who she believed me to be....strong.....
Went to work in a place under people who've stood by me, putting their neck on the line for me... With people who have been nudging me to take baby steps.... With people who have said never say never... With people who have said right now its this.... And right now is just a state of mind..... Which I took ages to understand.... And thinking back.... I see the patience and the tenderness that they have handled me.... Knowing the fragility, giving me the space but also letting me know that they are and will be there no matter what and making sure I knew the distance was for me to be comfortable and not because of their sympathy....The time I took to licking my wounds and howling in pain is a time ill never forget.... Its something that I will not loose sight of.... Maybe just to keep me in touch with my reality.... Maybe just to tell myself I've been through worse....

The one blessing ill count from 'that' phase.....The only thing that got me through it all.... My little angel with kohl lined eyes, an angel who was there for warmth when I was out cold.... My little bundle of love... The only thing I got out of it all which I cherish.... And tats probably the only thing I will be thankful for during 'that' time....
The dark phase.... Never gone.... But never there for ever....
 A new place, new people, new routine....Moving from a day to next... A week to the next... A month... A year to the next.... I know... I have picked up a few habits from the dark phase.... From the family.... That I will never be back to the careless foot loose, fancy free teen that I was.... Once I reached the point of self realisation that I won't be back to how I used to be and that a part of the new me will always be attached to the old me.... Thats when I realised there's never gonna be a completely blank slate to begin with again.... There are always pieces left behind.... That change is inevitable.... That is good.... And everything happens for a reason and that reason is good.... I have made peace with the dark phase.... Maybe not completely.... Atleast not yet.... But it has changed me... As a person... Stronger, resilient, more cautious, more independent..... It has helped me grow as a person.... Made me start learning to differentiate reality and illusion....
The world is dyamic.... Our lives should be too.... Like a wise person oncesaid variety is the spice of life.... I used to love that line.... Now it has a new dimension....variety never truly exists until true change exists....
Nothing in the world is static, everything is dynamic, everything will change.... One day... Someday....
Go with the flow, roll with the punches.... See where the road takes us.... :)
What say! :)
Looking forward to the new year!
The journey goes on....

goli soda, jinnu and filter cofee....
The earliest memory of me wanting to go to the temple was because I would be dressed in a cute little pattu paavadai and would be called as a very good girl where ever, whenever I go not excluding who ever sees me.... I remember the ruffling of the head and the small treats I would get, the approving grandma looks....
Slowly but surely I lost interest and the smart good looking grandmother that I had found a way to lure me and the other kiddie group at home.... The amazing and purely divine goli soda.... That Paneer soda like none else that I've had ever.... This small iyer kadai on the left corner before entering the temple.... Will catch sight of us and would have already popped the goli in the bottle and would wait for me and push the goli in my bottle down its narrow neck under my fascinated and watchful eyes.... Everytime my eyes would grow wide with wonder and curiosity about how that a marble which can't be pulled out and has to be pushed in to drink is found within the bottle already.... And quite naturally a how will slip out.... Exactly at that point my granny with grey hair fragrant jasmine strings among her carelessly made up updo, a loosely draped saree a brilliant diamond nose stud and an equally brilliant hand-me-down from generations gone by earring will turn toward the temple as if to say come and ask the big guy inside.... Almost always as if on cue exactly when my eyes begin to grow wide and I Start askig how.... THAT'S exactly when the graceful turning of the head will happen.... Eventually the turn of time and the goli soda was replaced by the newer multi national branded drinks which held absolutely no delights for the 'older' 'big girl' me..... Slowly I stopped accompanying her and my younger one took my place.... I watched her go through the same phases as me... Only for me the carrot on the stick was the goli soda for her it was pepsi....:p after a while the focus was back on yours truly and I rebelled... Can I do anything but...:)
Ofcourser the you have to accompany paati for her veenai concert in the temple and help her obligation transcending my resolve to not be drawn into religious-ness....
Eventually I learnt to absorb the beauty.... The temple has eventually stopped being about the religious bend.... It has started to be more of a fulfilment of all my senses.... In each region one sense seems to take a dominance than the others....
In the south is where I am fully absorbed probably because that's where I was initiated? The pretty women, the fragrances of varied flowers mixed with te amazing smell of veebudhi... And just on the other side the strong lure of filter coffee, the beautiful melodies of the devotees with just their devotion to beautify their voices and nothing else, the feel of the solid rough granite and the beauty of the simplicity in the design.....
Now when I have grown enough to appreciate these small things I don't have the company of her to hold my hand and walk me through.... Old age having taken its toll....
Ah! How I miss jinnu.... How I miss kabali and gosh the beautiful coffee of Mylapore!

There's an irony in life.... Generally.... Retrospectively a very enlightening one? Maybe.... Maybe not.... A very frustrating one? Maybe, maybe not.....
I keep waiting for a bus which normally is so very frequent and it doesn't turn up for more than three fourth of an hour, restless especially on days that I need to be somewhere early.... And on the days that in looking to head some place else the same bus I waited close to an hour back a few days back makes its appearance every ten mins.... Leaving me to wonder.... Is it a sign for me to change routes??
There are times when u want something so badly that it hurts... And u never get it... U end up making excuses... Oh well even if I had gotten it it wouldn't have worked.... And at the point when u have given up, moved on and forgotten about the desperation with which u looked forward for it, putting it in the back burner and moving on with other priorities it comes to you as if to say "yup I'm here what u wished for all along..." and at that point the excuses u kept repeating to yourself to keep urself going and the excuses that pulled u through the disappointment's would be so real.... Its true.... A lie repeated for a long time becomes the truth at some point of time.... From something in your mind it becomes true.....And it is not a choice u make willingly but a choice made by the late manifestation of what u desired.... U just tend to let go.... Rather it I think more than being a tendency u just do... Do we say it is situation? Circumstances?? Whatever we may call it.... I think its just unfulfilled expectations.... Disappointments.... Whether its real or just in your head.... For u its true and THAT'S what matters.... Nothing.... Noone.... Can change that....

The irony? We want something, the depth of that need is created by us.... The excuses when the desire is not met is made by us..... Later the situation comes where things fall in place is also create by us.... And it is us that let's go... But we blame it on circumstances..... Isn't that created in our mind? The most powerful weapon that'S known to humankind....
U r as strong as ur mind...
Tat tvam asi.... Thou art that....

The twin.....

There's a secret fire igniting in my heart..... Dancing in rhythm with te stars and far beyond the horizon, another mysterious flame flickers to the sme music.

I know this has something to do wit the way the leaves frolic in poetic sway. 

Its heat reflects the emotions tht I feel the need to smuggle, the vision tht I long to bring into the waning world, a day will come when in heroic strides the flames wil unite, all of us seeking the eternal light being one.... So are we and our twin flames..... And yet we stay divided and not for a moment forget the pull as certain as gravity of pure love....

 Our hearts will continue to beat, the flames will continue to dance to the silent celestial music of the stars and together will continue to swirl around together in the ultimate expression of being.... Of eternity, of pure love, from above, open andset the world free.... 

Unlock the wisdom from the past....

 Uncloud the mind so that people can simply be...

 blind ended...

When u say... This is how I am.... Do u mean this is how u have always been? Or is this how u r gonna b? Or does it mean I don't give a rats arse what u think abt me?coz it beats me!

A coupla weeks back a good friend told me not once, not twice.... But half a dozen times that I gave a truck load of blind ended statements... Tht got me thinking.... What exactly is it tht they meant.... Where I don't give space for the fact tht I cud b wrong which I cud b... Probably am..... And I'm too blind to realise for now.... Like a horse with a blinder....

But then again wat it could also mean is that I know that it is where I know I'm not too strong at.... And I'm just warding off people far away from where I want to be hit.... Instinctive? Selfish? Self preservative? Survival?

Whatever it is.... It doesn't mean buzz off.... It just means watch out for those soft spots.... I guess.... Bcoz today I was at the receiving end of one of similar blind ended lines.... And now I know how it feels! Sorry doc! **grin**

listening to the shadows,
Seeing the silence,
Feeling the thought...
Living it all...

its funny how things go,
Funny how the wind blows,
Funny how the tides run,
Funny how the paths we choose are
Rarely where we want to go...

The winds of change...

the beauty of the moon....
sweet tendrils of fragrance....
the  lovely White  jasmine buds... waiting for the bees to arrive
so they can generously part wth their nectar..
the stillness of the night... so wondrous

Does  it matter if the moon is waxing or waning?
Does it take away the beauty of the night?

Like diamonds which look brilliant when
 like the stars brilliant in the dark sky,
The heart of ours is meant to be broken, shattered
 into a million pieces for the brilliance t shine through.....

Does it matter if its your heart that's boken?
Does  it matter if you are the breaker?
Its still brilliance anyway