eyes

The dreams are in ones eyes,
the tears have been held back by the lashes of our eyes...
what is not realised too soon is...
that both the tears and the dreams are held by the same pair of eyes....
its just so easy to fool onesself and pull wool over our eyes or look away.

peekaay!

iss movie ko koi peekay likha hoga, aur ak ney peekay hi sign kiya hoga. unbelievable load of crap. i am not sure if AK has started taking a dump the other way around and if his grey cells still exist after the autistic role in Dhoom3 i wonder if it has started getting difficult for him to slip out of a character soon so he decideds to go with whichever script that goes with the frame of mind he was in and is finding it difficult to get out of.
he needs to get his brain to work. i never did think of him as a brilliant actor. but i did think he   was a sensible one.
and this one definitely lacks the sense.
i dont understand the hype created. neither do i get how it has crossed the 100cr mark.

graduation to middle age

my week started monday morning with a fall and examining the tar content on the indian roads.... followed by a 60 plus male (alleged) making a pass at me. just coz the people above thought i hadnt learnt my lesson bcoz there wasnt a single external injury took a fall again while doing mundane work at home..... shoulder black and blue. wrist swollen. pain enough to make me frustrated at being made to wait to take a stoopid xray. while i wait being asked if i was 'carryin' which annoyed me even more coz i know i have put on weight and my girth has hit way overboard never seen before mark but it does suck being asked. that went on all day with ppl asking me whats happening with me. and the alleged gent saying oh u dont have kids i know y u young girls now a days want only to have fun. lucky man. if this is not harrassment i dont know what is. then i get to meet my frd whose day i totally and without doubt ruinednitpicking his not so big mistakes all evening..... i donno how ppl put up with ne! i havent seen anyone more negative than me. no wonder the ex couldnt stand the sight of me or me telling him itd b nice if he did such and such. intolerable.
i have officially graduated to become to typical indian middle aged spinstress. absolutely annoyingly being a miss.you are wrong i am right always.

60 and going!

if i must say.... im a whisker short of reaching 30.... what i dont get off late are compliments.... they come few and far inbetween...  lemme tell u...
i walked down the corridors tht im expected to lurk for 36 months... of which i have 14 more to go officially... when a really senior one walked by... by senior its tbe ahe first and then the experience. he reminds me of this hilarious character played by kh in one of his disastrous movies dasavatharam..... so i become the sunshine tht i used to b, what i am turning to be again. smiled and said morning sir!i get called in and asked... is it a sad morning bad morning or wat morning.... i could think it was a dirty morning! and i being me smiled said sorry... and i hear the 60 gent say dont try enticing me with ur smile! me? entice?!!!  wish it had come from someone else tht i know... damn....
second part of the and going was when he calls me all dirty when i had just taken a fall on d road.... prolly providences way of making me research the roads contents.... and being told when i put my hair up after the tumble that i was beddable!!! sigh again there i was trying topicture another telling me tht.... but yup i hear all i wanna hear from a 60 year old grumpy grandpa while id rather have it from a little not so old grumpy old man... grin.... now thts a tot.... :)

now off to meet my grumpy oldan.... 5ehee

something blue

something old... something new.... sigh.... but why... something borroeed.... something blue.... not sure where the blue comes in though....

strength to you.

its nice to see yourself as a victim. but its even better when u see others in the space u were in a few years back and be in a situation where u can help them out. be the empowerer rather than the empowered.
it feels good to be able to see things so clearly. now that you know the regular patterns.
The sinister beauty of nature.
the amazing riddle of the mind.
the lovely allure of the words.
the warp that the heart gets trapped in.
the akshaya paatram that you become.
yes!
i realise that i wasnt the only one to go through this. a friend once said. i am not the first to go through this, neither will i be the last to go through. but, i can always be the first to strat reaching out to people who have the same patterns that recur without them knowing.

the last three weeks. its the same story. the same patterns. the same denials. the same excuses. some strong to look at things and call it a day and work their way through. those women. wow. there are others who i guess wont recognise a diaster even if dances naked in front of them. the phase of denial.i wish them sense.

either ways. i wish them well.
strength be to you.
i have learnt.
i thought i was done.
now i learn.
still.
same situation.
different ways in or out.
either way i am in a better space to be able to help anyone out. i just wish they reach out to their loved ones.

all thoughts to every single one in a tough place.

Its 5!

And i wake up. Groggy. To a chilly morning. Sounds of the temple bells and the imams call for prayers.peaceful. stars still twinkling in the sky... like shattered pieces of the moon...
The routine set for the wake up. Now for sitting with the book open in front of me.

13 months run up.
Jeez at times feels like long... but now feels like tomorrow...

Yaadein

Jo manzil dekte... dikaayi nahi de raha...
Jo man ki baatein sunaa hi nahi de raha...
Mushkil hey jo raaste samaj me nahi raha ..
Chalte chalte... ab yaad hi nahi raha.

Meera

Kisi ko le jaana tha... koi nahi aaya....
Bahaar dekte... intezhaar karte woh bhi baitti thi... raste ko dekte....
Shaam aayi... diya jalle... har ghar ke darwaaze band kar diye.... who thabi bhi baittii thi.... log dekte gayye.... theen din ke bad wo baiti rahi... nazar kabhi hatti nahi raaste se.... hategi bhi nahi... jan gayi... par jaate waqt bhi dekte rahi.... intezaar karte rahi.... woh meera joh uski kishan ke intezar karte rahi.

Majboori

Dhadaktey dil ko koi na puchta kyon
Dekthey aankon ko koi nahi poochta kyon
Jo hum dekthe hai usko yaad rakkey hummare man hi poochta hai kyon.
Hai yeh kya majboori hai bhoolney ki.

Aasuo ki baatein

All dressed. To make a mark. To look as dignified a woman can be in the midst of all the turmoil. Stars sparkling in my ears and fingers. Subtle but there. Stood with my eyes lowered. Thinking abt ways to celebrate the death. Slowly realisig tht there wasnt anything to celebrate. Lowering my eyes again as the scene being played out of the man being the victim was so tiring and i was mentally exhausted to justify and show my side of the story. It didnt matter now. It wont from now either. Thank the lord above for getting me through thisbin one piece.
All i was thinking was the stars last nyt. They looked like the mook was crumbled andcscattered across the dark skies for us to find the diamond tht wud guide our hearts.

Ey dil maan jaa. Ey dimaaag sudhaar jaa. Ey kushi vaapas aa.... ey aasu vahhin pe rok ja.... tere sitaro ko dikaana kusi aur ke liye jo samajtha hai... jo jab tumhe hassi se bahar leke aata hai..... ey dil.....

The universe

Big

I think bog. Nope nothing big happens **pessimistic**

Screwed

12 hoirs left. 1200 pages to go. Screwed.

The other ex

Exams!
24 hrs to go. Sleepy. Covered about 30% of pprtions. Fighting to stay awake. Two coffees done. Mosquitoes annoyong the hell outta me. Mind wishing to read a nice novel. Sigh. One more of this nazi treatment. Lets roll.

Truth of life....

Never at the beginning... never at the end... somewhere inbetween.... now to see where....

Surely!

Ways to avoid eve teasing. What a joke!

Sunday blues.

Sundays are looked at as a weekend. A day to be free. A day to chill. But ive read articles and i am a living example of a stacked up sunday. All week its work home cook eat sleep. Sundays. Wake up same as weekdays coz my girl needs her door opened. Clean house. Sweep. Mop. Clean kitchen. Wash vessels  cook. Clean up. Bathe her. Have a hot water bath- a luxury. Meaning manually heat yhe water. Wash clothes. Dry clothes. Fold clothes. If the suns still shining down then wash another load of clothes and put it out to dry. Feel tired. Sleep. Try study. Sleep. And then start with cooking again and finish up with cleaning after. Phew who says sundays are cool.

Sunday blues.

Sundays are looked at as a weekend. A day to be free. A day to chill. But ive read articles and i am a living example of a stacked up sunday. All week its work home cook eat sleep. Sundays. Wake up same as weekdays coz my girl needs her door opened. Clean house. Sweep. Mop. Clean kitchen. Wash vessels  cook. Clean up. Bathe her. Have a hot water bath- a luxury. Meaning manually heat yhe water. Wash clothes. Dry clothes. Fold clothes. If the suns still shining down then wash another load of clothes and put it out to dry. Feel tired. Sleep. Try study. Sleep. And then start with cooking again and finish up with cleaning after. Phew who says sundays are cool.

What words.

For this is what we do. Put one foot forward and then the other. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. feel. Add our little consequence to the tides of good and evil that flood and drain the world. Drag our shadowed crosses into the hope of another night. Push our brave hearts into the promise of a new day. With love; the passionate search for truth other than our own. With longing; the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on.

A woman.

There were a few memories which chose to visit me as a flash. Instances that flashed in front of me as vividly as it were happening right now. Made me recall all the emotions with such detail. I didnt picture the clothes the colors but i did relive. Even if it was for a few minutes i did.
The smiles. The odd soundling laugh. The dimple. The long fingers. The thin hair. The thick waist. All apart....
I cant but help but remember, the story of a ring.when i said u r under no compulsion to give me a ring.the ring that i had to pick up from the sands of marina beach after it was told to me if u dont pick it up or take it i dont care if any beggar does. The story of the ring.
The dinner chapter. On my bday. Unlimited meals and i was expected to thank him profusely for taking me out. Though i was dressed up thinking its my bday and ill b going to a special place.

The line on the its only money afterall.... when i said its a lotta investment i meant about the time. But i was told its only money afteral ill give it to u tomo and had a cheque thrown in my face. A blank signed cheque with the line take as much as u want to. The irony? I gave him everything he had.

The struggle not worth a para, i begged and spoke to so many people to get him a seat in one of the best management schools close to thecity so he could do well in management and b close to his folks. What do i get? Dont bull shit me. I know how the institute works. Theres noway u could have used influence or paid up to have gotten me in.  I gave the name. He says nope. Noone there by the name. U and ur frds are nothing but a truckload of liars.

Fun? The trip with one of the few close friends i had to a dilapitated fort near his college. Only to be asked what was it between me and him. Hed come too. What did he think was there?!

The cheapness. My frds. The road. 100yards from home. His bike. A lady in a misshapen kurta. She gets mistaken for me and i end up being guffawed at by my man in front of. On.

The rage. Thirty seconds. Barista. Scooty. A call. Rush to be back home. No explainations to my frd who wanted time.

The guilt. His mother. Brother. Father. Just replace one with the other. A phone. Tears. And u get the mix with me taking the guilt.

The thoughtlessness. Two kurthas. Eight months. Get the picture.

The drunkeness. A drink too many. Imagination aplenty. Women. Scenarios. Threats of death. Threats of being dead. Jokes on the love of mine-my profession. Jokes on the clothes i wear.

A few more down. The repulsive suggestions. The bile inducing thoughts. The retching, crying and curling.

The stench of burnt cloves. The never ending flicker of the laptop. The sleeping while sitting. The substitution of conversation with the laptop. The obsession with others. The care for his appearance. My shabby state.

The smell of sambhar, repulses me. The scene. Me hungry. All provisions there. Kitchen functional. No gas. Allegedly no cash. Staying hungry bcoz my man wud b hungry too. Wait. We will find a way out together. Sleeplessness bcoz of hunger. I toss and turn in bed. Start drifting to sleep. His hand hits the pillow next to me. Sambhar. Clearly. Hallucination? I check. No. It was. Me hungry. My man tummy full.

The straws i was trying to hold on to keep afloat couldnt take my weight when they got wet with the tears i shed when my nightmares came true. It could happen to others. Not to me! The sexting. The vivid descriptions on fb chats. Me stumbling on them. The fantasies described. My eyes wide. My heart still. My mind denying. My soul torn apart. Numb. Too numb to believe. Too naive to go back and confront. To confront and the explaination. to be said u told me do whatever u want just keep me informed. I wanted to tell u. I wud have eventually. But u fell sick. Forgiven. Clawing for dear life. Crying for my heart. Needing a shoulder. Not having one. Noone. Abandoned. In unfamiliar territory. In new environment. New family. New people.

Small. Undesired. Unwanted.untrusted. unloved. Repulsive. Helpless. Wrong. Always. Weak. Both hands behind my back trying to swim in the rough seas. Hopeless

Yes. I may be wrong yes i may be fat. Yes i may not cook as well as mom. Yes i may have weird taste in clothes. Yes i may like to go out. Yes. I have many friends. Yes i have a life. Atleast i did have before u destroyed whatever little self confidence my mother managed to build.

But whatever i may have. Whatever i dont have. I still am a woman and i still deserve to b treated right.

Is it december already?!!

I cant believe decembers here already. Realised when i had to sign and forgot the date. Sheesh. The most depressive month technically is here, though its one of tge montha that i enjoy the most. Especially being from mylapore. The maarghazhi pozhudhu bajanai, the kutcheris in the evenings and the yummy food in the sabhas. Sigh im missing the season this time. Am having olfactory hallucinations od decoction coffee already.

Pacifier attack!

I wanted to watch a movie. I got a good seat. Yeah i went alone. I like going to the movies alone... so? Am i not allowed peace!?? I walk into a restraunt i have kids screaming down my thoughts and drowning my mind voice sucessfully. All i end up hearing is their dubbing for their imaginary bikes and their mothers screaming their names asking them to eat. So i went to a movie. For peace. Some senseless random movie.
Got settled in my seat ahead of the movie. Seats nexy to me empty. My popcorn in hand. My drink in its holder. Ah! Bliss! I think. But the ads start rolling a lady in a gintaaaak yellow saree with a child snugly sitting balanced on her hip stood near me. I assumed ofcourse tht she was looking for her row. I was in the aisle corner as usual. So i graciously moved aside to make way for the lady to move through easily. And there the lady and child were sitting next to me. Yes. I looked at the mother, the child. Concluded that it was fair to say she had her child under control. The lights were still on. The child got restless. Thanks to the creator of saree blouses. Out came a stem. The side thts not completely covered by d saree. Then came the struggle of stuffing it into the childs mouth. Perfect cue for the child to push it away. All this under the bright theater seating lights while others wandered ard looking for their seats...i was so embarrased gave her my dupatta to cover herself while d child fed rather while she tried feeding. Suggesting she use the baby feeding cubicle down the corridor for whichthe husband says shell just keep asking. Looks at the child snd says drink up or ill drink and looks like the threat worked. This happened through the whole damn movie.
Cut to next day. Today. Got into an auto heading home. Auto guy picked up mom and a child from on the way. I let them in to keep the child from sitting in d corner and falling out. Again. Out came the nipple.
I mean. Comeon!
I dont mind kids. I pity the harried mothers.
But this is not ok. U cant just whip it out. I know its convienient. A good replacement for a pacifier. But dude!
All my sympathies are with u moms trying to juggle a lotta things but please for gods sake keep your breasts inside ur clothes and dont flash them all over the place!

Cant wait!

Late by fifteen mins when i was asked to b early by half hour. Stuck with a new prof who came across initially like the smiling buddha, who in the course of conversation turned out to remind me of blood sucking dracula who lures his victim with charm. Pulling words from our mouths and ripping us apart with what we voluntarily said. To entering the lunch hall uninvited bcoz my timmy was growling and having to stand and begin eating. While trying to b helpful to a fellow tamil got yelled at and shot evil looks by my mentor and temporary godess incarnate.... to using the system to print out materials that have to be reviewed and getting yelled at again. Y cant u get a laptop for urself y cant u download on ur phone. Why cant u do this. Why cant u do tht. Make me feel like a bloody dont have person. Wait until 4 to leave. Shit and damn. Horrible people around. Cant wait to get this over with!

The Itch

The thing about sitting to study. By study i do mean actually study and not read. Like i was saying when we actually get down to it, only then do we notice the table being untidy. So start with cleaning the table. Then the place around the table oh! It needs immediate attention. Then my god! The room is so dirty how wud i ever study in a room like this.... alright now that i have started with cleaning the room... might as well get down and clean the whole darn house! And finally sit and say... oops! Sorry too tired to study...
Is it just me....?? Or do books trigger the same reaction in everyone??

It didnt happen!

Now u say it didnt happen? Bcoz i agreed to make it easy for u???
And here u say dude if its not on paper it aint true.
What a bloke i tell u!

Count down begins... again...

I think im a night person.... no not for interesting things tht u can think of.... but to hit my books and begin my romance with the human body... well again... no not what u thinking.... its a subject... darn! The imagery.. and ive been stuck with the arse all day... no im not a behind person... well.. maaaaybe i am... but still it doesnt make it any more interesting.
Horrible.
Boring.
Painfully.
The thing is i picked up pace. With the studies tht is after sunset last eve. The whole day today was a waste. Though i sat in front of the book and kept staring at it and willing the pages to magically enter my cranial grey matter all i got stuck was with a grey mood. Nope. Again not all fifty shades.
Finally at dusk it began. Words began to make sense. Though it still was the same boring crap. I still got through the behind part of it all....
So yes i think i am an evening nope make tht a night person.
Got a week to go and i discover it now! **facepalm**
Off to turn pages again!

Phase of vengeful thinking

Initially, when i was accused of lying... i wanted to throw back the evidence that i had. The whole loadful. The pictres of him drinking. Smoking up. Smoking. The sex chats. I had wished i had recorded his fantasising about every woman he had met. All his confessions of straying. Before the engagement. After. Everything. When his mother was shown as an example of how to be. I wanted to ask and be verbal about question if the straying from her marriage is the example that is wat must b followed by me. The impact of tht incident which has affected the fil so much he quit his job and stayed at home ever since. The impact going down to the children who dont trust their wives to have platonic relationships with other men. Do u want me to b like tht woman i wanted to ask. But my silence gave space for them to keep talking and show their true colors.
My shock.
Then a phase of disbelief.
I went through days numb. Unbelieving. Unseeing what was happening around me.
I still sat through all that.
Finally when the day came. The night i walked d roads alone. No money no phone in hand.
I was in denial. This couldnt happen to me. To others yeah! Sure! But not to me! Well like cold water unloaded on my sleeping face. I did wake up.
After tht i wanted vengence. I wanted life to be fair.
I wanted justice.
I wanted ppl to believe.
I wanted ppl to c him as he was.is.
Slowly i sank into picking up pieces of my life while in my heart i was still yearning for justice.
Now, 2 years after.... i have learnt. There have been ppl holding my hand through it. Ppl i will b indebted to for life.
Now i know. I will move. I will grow. I will be the person i wanted to be. Help people. Do things i want to do. Wear good clothes that i was deprived of.
The punya of their last life is protecting them in this life. My karma of my previous life is catching up with me.
I know.
What i sow i will reap. My next birth will b pure.
I am now declaring. I see myself as a strong independent. Caring induvidual who makes a difference in this world. A big difference someday. Will b blessed by a million souls. Will b missed by a few genuinely.

A beautiful song.

Fluttering wings
     Battered feathers
And a leisurely glide over Infinite sky
Furious floods pouring down the Heaven
     Smashing on mountain rocks
lucid water culminating in vast seas
withering leaves
    baring bony twigs in air
Sparkling red green tender leaves
     shining in morning sun
Incessant thoughts
endless random interconnections
and the kid wakes up from restful sleep.

                                         -V
                             03-november-2014

B d change.

From water we come, into the water our ashes are scattered. . .
What we do inbetween is only a punctuation in our eternal life.
Rebirth recreation of our fine form is the dharma of human existance .
While our gross form withers away to be shed. The actions we accumulate good or bad will meet us, somewhere, soon.

The learner, the stage that i will be in the next six years supreme power willing.
The family chapter that is being closed.
The retired chapter that i find difficult to look at now which my parents have eased into.
The samyaasin who will always be a part of my soul.

The four stages that we are meant to go through.... in the short span given to us on this worldly place. All four that need to be experienced. Each leaving a mark on the senses indelibly which our fine inner being looks forward to when a new start is being made.
Makes sense to me now. It didnt a year back. But the mind that has been awakened recently has gotten present to the fact that we reap what we sow is a very long term. We sow now. We reap in our rebirth. Maybe. Maybe not. But what does matter is the belief in it all.
The maanushya dharma will prevail in my mind.
At some point i have started believing.  Its now that the belief will start percolating into the depth of my awareness.
I know change is emminent.
I would rather b the change i want to see than b the Indian who cribs about how others need to change....

Old wine, new bottle.

Nothing new, nothing unseen.
Whats happening now, has happened before...
What will happen for years to come is happening now...
Nothing unseen.
Nothing unheard.
The ways, the paths are but new when the end is nothing but the same....

The drafting...

So i had to do this someday.... tot it wud b later than now. But fate and time have other plans..... it had to be now and not later.... its hard to say goodbye with a finality. Though there was no hope of things getting back on track..... i just thought time heals and after my scars heal i cud take the next cut with ease. Anyway. Sent. Next for the signed and sealed signal. In a few months. By then i hope to not cry me a river....

X files part one of the many

So, i had gone to attend the one who must not b mentioned to me's grans post death paying respect thingy that is the politically right thing to do... whats politics in death ryt??? But us humans end up attaching importance to tht also.... so i went with a plaster on my wrist bcoz of an injection tht i had to endure. Did all the right things. Made the right moves. Spoke to the grieving family. Though my soon to b ex mil was the first daughter the second daughter was the one to take care of tht soul from the word go till the very end..... so the wake was held in the second daughters place... where i went with my mother.... acknowledged by the second daughters husband a forty odd year old man, smart, sharp, who was told tht the remains were not yet seen as the ones we were related to by marriage hadnt acknowledged us.... this prompted him to call the x to guide us in to pay our last respects. Which was done impeccably. All words spoken i left the room. Waiting for my mother to come away and get done with consoling my wicked scheming mil...
While waiting i sneaked a glance at the man tht had broken my heart, which even after two years im still trying to piece back together.... and got caught at it by him. He came out walked toward me. Looked like he had lost weight. The huge butt wasnt so huge. The waddle i knew so familiarly wasnt a waddle anymore.... there he was standing facing me. New facial hair. The way i used to tell him suited him. With distinguishing greys scattered. Kind eyes. Asked me what was wrong and asked me abt the bandaid on my wrist and asked if all was alright.... all the while thinking if u had cared so much would you have kicked me outta the house? Told him nothing. I searched his eyes for answers to questions only i knew were raging within me.... which i will take to my grave.... and my mom an angel in disguise came and tht was my cue to leave. I said bye and said sorry for your loss and held his hand a second. He didnt let go. On my way out the mil says S before u leave and gestures for a hug. Yes i did hug her. Y?  Bcoz she was catering to an audience and i helped her. She says y dont u eat and go. Ha bloody ha.... a woman who didnt feed me on good days offers food to me in the wake of her mother.....
The mother and son came to see the mother and daughter leave.... when i said u shouldnt see anyone off in a house that mourns he says oh! I didnt know and softly he added, i couldnt help it....
What couldnt u help??? The death? Of the old lady or the marriage?  Was the good bye tht i said meant for me? For him? For the love? For the relationship? For the years lost? For the dreams lost? For the kids never had???
As i looked back to wave i didnt see either, the mother or the son.....
And my heart breaks once more....

X files

I am here listening to the glory days of a less than a year married couple.... not that im not happy for them.... but listening to him talking abt sharing work at home... cooking with her.... makes me think... i was definitely not being unreasonable! Helping me carry the groceries to 'our' home... nope absolutely not.... asking to help monitor d cooker... nope.... asking to put ones own laundry away nope.....
Finally i just noticed when i stopped washing his clothes and did only mine.... there just was a matter of fact acceptance.... there wasnt ok this is passive aggression so obviously theres something wrong lets talk it out... there was just ok ill wash my own clothes you wash yours.... finally when a month after he kicked me out he asked me to come back coz there was no one to look after him, cook for him and wash clothes.. thts when i realised my presence being equated to tht of a maid with benefits.....
Sigh....
Y couldnt you have helped with carrying the damn groceries in the first place!!!

Day#3

I am to get a gratitude rock / pebble..... not got it... will find it soon... so todays blessing counting of yesterday....
1 sc for putting up with me bein late
2 students for listening to me
3 medicines for making me feel better
4 attender for giving me my water and a beautiful flower out of the blue
5  my hod for her care and concern
6 ashu for getting back in touch with me
7 my mom for sharig jokes about a ghar jamaai
8 krish for taking timebout and listening to me when i said i was feeling off for no reason
9 tsr for the music i listen to everyday to soothe myself
10 lil ms. B for jumping all over d place even if i am away for just 5 mins.
Thank you thank you thank you

Day #2 the magic

So i have been told to take up 3 relationships tht i value... i should ideally take up 5 so i am gonna do just that...
I am to take pictures of the person look at it for 5 mins and make a list of five things i am greatful for with each...
First ,
Thank you mom , for being the embodiment of strength , for being my rock , for being the person i run to first if anything comes my way, for teaching me all i know and for putting me through college.
Thank you my lil one, for being the best sister i know of, for laughing with me and for crying for me, for letting me help u when u needed me, for growing up with my tantrums, for showing me how to see the good in people.
Thank you V, for being the best friend i was looking for, for being the shoulder for me to cry on, for believing in me when i didnt myself, for making me laugh at things i would otherwise cry about, for teaching me that anger is not the way to handle my hurt.
Thank you kvg, for being an unquestioning friend, for voicing your opinions, for being my sounding board, for all the times in the beach and the mollaga bajjis with not a word shared, for the love of coffee and music u have unknowingly trasferred.
Thank you, my kutties, mr. Odie and lil msB for showing me love, for showing me u care, for teaching me to forget the hurt and to look forward to each day with no trace of the past.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Th secret day #1

I am blessed to have my mother. Thank u thank you thank u.

I am grateful for my frds kvg. V. Sol.thank you thank you thank you.

I am grateful to be alive. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to be studying what i want. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am lucky to have good clothes to wear. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have enuf money. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am happy to be able to walk 5kms without pain. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am thankful to my attender for filling water in a bottle everyday for me to use. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have good health. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have the love of two little ones unconditionally. Odie and bhairavi. Thank you thank you thank you.

Th secret day #1

I am blessed to have my mother. Thank u thank you thank u.

I am grateful for my frds kvg. V. Sol.thank you thank you thank you.

I am grateful to be alive. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to be studying what i want. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am lucky to have good clothes to wear. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have enuf money. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am happy to be able to walk 5kms without pain. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am thankful to my attender for filling water in a bottle everyday for me to use. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have good health. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have the love of two little ones unconditionally. Odie and bhairavi. Thank you thank you thank you.

The last of the 'true love' Twenties....

So i just am getting done with the twenties.... i used to call it true love twenties.... i had a list... still do... of all the things i would truly love doing by the terrible thirties....

Lets cross them off shall we?

Road trip - check.
Head to a hill station - check.
Enter my pg - check.
Loose weight look hot - check (for 3months is all i could hold it in!)
Tattoo - check.
Erase a tattoo - check.
Get another tattoo - check.
Have a whole crowded noisy bday - check!
Have a quiet solitary bday - check.
Wear a mini skirt  -  check.
Learn to cook - check.
Bake a cake - check.
Fall in love - check.
Trip to shiridi - check.

Now to get to the part that i havent gotten even close to

Bungee jump
Visit the andhamans and seychelles
Go on an euro trip
Learn a new language
Learn an instrument
Look and act brilliant (doubt if id ever get there!)

Tht it????

Here i was thinking my list was a long one.... maybe my memory is failing me.....
Growing old you see....

**cheers to me!**
To a year full of freedom , love, filled with music and feeling terrific!

long weekend.... bye bye... hello long weekend!!!

last week, i took off... just like that... coz i didnt feel like being here... headed home... some tender loving care which turned out to be some tough luck cynicism from quarters which it was exactly expected from.... anyway, left home to head back to my lonely world when i realized i got a two day break again which i considered having two options... option one go home... aka my place on lonely planet and gimmeself some my definition of TLC... or head back where i came from and where i had left in a hurry to avoid their definition of TLC and face the same thing all over again.... well, the decision laid in the hands of the lady herself and she said get your arse back to getting the horrible not so preferable TLC... wel, i did go back... i had an escape... Temple run!!!
:P
not exactly a run... more of a temple trip...apparently theres this place called Uthamar Kovil!!! who wuddatot!!!! the temple itself is called the big mans temple!!! Lol! a quaint lil place, interesting to c it, coz it did not really look like a place that was built ages ago... which it was supposed to have been.... it so happened that the temple was built... went to ruins and those ruins were discovered by Chettiar! which chettiar? now, THAT i dont know... anyway Chettiar went asked for help with its restoration to the English folks who gave him just enough help to get the structure standing.no sculptures, no pretty colors, no big nandhi... just the beautiful lingam, on which they had eyes drawn which was so unusual! usually, our south indian temples dont have eyes drawn coz supposedly drawing the eyes will awaken the Lord?! so anyway that was the only thing that i remembered of this temple... possibly also that it reminded me of Samunarkoil... maybe i should revisit Samunarkoil..... hmmm... next trip in the making....

Vendum

Silai pol kannum,
Sirai pol nenjum....
Muthupol mozhiyum,
Virahulai mullaitha poo pol siripum,
Thendralai pol nadaiyum,
Ullam urugavekka alavil sinthanaigal kooda,
Varuval oruthi... theeyai polla... kaatzhai polla.... nizhal theriya devathai polla... nenjam parithu chella... varuval aval...

strings

 no strings to the place i was brought up in... no strings to the people i have spoken to all these years... i wonder what is happiness? is it the emotion? the feeling? the thoughts? or is it just society that tells us u are truely happy if.... if you have rolls of money.... with money happiness doesnt come so a car then? a car that needs u to drive it isnt pleasure they say... a driver now.... a car and a driver without a big house?? u must be crazy they claim.... so, a big house where the car is parked then.... but on the way of getting all this do we realise happiness is a fleeting emotion? which we cant let someone else tell us what makes us happy?
the connections, the strings are what pulls our lips upward whenever they get attached.

when sick the money the car the driver and the house arent gonna hold u.... those strings that pull your lips up in a curve are the ones that will hold you.... nurse you back... draw out the sun in your eyes and thats wat is true happiness.

fly low

when it is too late the rain falls, while i close my eyes my shoulders heave up to meet each drop that falls heavily. while the tears mix with the heavy droplets, the salt of the tears can still be tasted, the burning of the eyes still be felt.......

as i get drenched in the rain.... i wish to fly up and high... soar to heights that have never been seen... i want to feel the heat of the earth in a depth that has never been reached....

am i an eagle or a lizard...
only time will tell...

why not be both and ride the wave as you change from one to another?

Crazy.

I want to write... to jot it all down... but when i open the page... i go what did i want to write about? My minds blank... maybe i wanted to write that my minds blank?? But is it really blank?  Maybe it is... but when its blank thats when a million things run through my head. About what else is pending with assignment... about why my data connection sucks... about.... when i am gonna change my phone.... about, i dono..... y my mind feels blank though i am thinking all these things???
Is this what they call a flight of thoughts... where i cant complete one thought and i jump onto another that i think concerns more??? Is this whats crazy? Or is it just me?

as i walk....

last morning after deciding to head out for a long walk after the run which was interrupted by rains.... i looked around at the house... a mess... paper all over the place... unswept the last few days.... books scattered and thrown like socks that have been discarded.... i sighed and reminded myself... yet again.... how i should be cleaning the house up and how an unclean room indicates an unclean mind..... and kept telling myself how much i should be doing it... but i fail to convince myself... when heading out for a walk i spot a bag stuffed with clothes that i have been meaning to give away to any orphanage or any place where they might need clothes. not torn or tattered... but just the clothes that my now round shape fails to fit into.... i take that bag down, a bag which had small tears in places only seen to me... which therefore fated it into the to be discarded bag....  i take the over stuffed bag... head out for the walk that i needed to center myself with.... only on this day when i had to give away an armload of clothes dont i find anybody who used to leech onto my arm for alms... so i walk toward the temple and notice a community of beggars, the ones that have made a livelihood of it... u know the ones with a totally mobile home which can be collapsed within minutes and made a face that convinced us all that they were truly homeless?1 that kind... i was not feeling very generous with them... so i walked further.... and not too far away did i see a frail.... not completely grayed head that was bowed down toward the ground... the mud around her swarming with flies, while she covered hastily by a dull and faded pink cotton saree which was too old and torn in a few places was picking at her toes trying to get some dirt that she thought was the only thing that needed her attention.... hands so frail and fingers so thin that i could see the way her bones moved from a few feet away, her neck almost too weak to hold her head.... with no bundles around her showing she had anything for herself... i called out to her... once... twice.... i bent to touch her shoulder and suddenly she realizes i am calling to her and looks up, confused. not having the energy to articulate any words, her lips tremble.... as i hand the bag to her and say this bag has clothes take whatever u want and give away what u dont want.... she looks shocked, surprised, confused.... but never once overwhelmed.... i had my doubts if she understood what i was saying... but this was all i could do....
as i walked away.... i saw a lady, also among the organised community among the homeless walking aggressively toward that old woman with nits and ticks in her hair.... looking ready to snatch that good looking bag which was full to hoard everything herself. i could not help but feel bad. if i had looked back i would have seen. the old lady pushed to the ground, the bag snatched away and the clothes from the bag being strewn all over in search of something of varied interest, while the old woman went back to cleaning her toes while lying on the mud floor with flies still swarming around her... with no other care in the world but for her toes...

where?

where is life but at the tip of our nose.
where is happiness but at the end of our sight.
where is love but at the end of our hearts reach.
where is the flame but where there is damp wood.
where is the smoke without the fire.
why call out when you dont want to be reached.
why cry when you dont want to be consoled.
why laugh when you dont want to be heard.
why be told when all you want to do is tell....

A fool that i am...

The sun makes a fool of me.... early this morning as he rose.... the beauty of colors that filled the sky filled me with hope... with the beauty that life can be when the sun comes out....

As i step out for a run i feel the heavy tears of the skies and wait for them to abet.... as i am disappointed so is the one with me waiting to head out for a stroll as i turn back dejected, she looks up pleading with her eyes for the heavens to stop crying.... and in no time they listen to her and off we went... a walk now, a stroll now, a run now, a jog now.... all the while there i was thinking if i looked up at the heavens and plead for anything how does it not materialize as it did for the apple of my eye??? is it because her heart is pure and overflows with love for everyone?
as i think it, the sun shows his beautiful face with his uncharacteristic hesitation... from behind a cotton shell of a cloud... and there i see it.... a rainbow.... the first rainbow i have seen in the 28 years that i have breathed.... is it a sign?? a sign to say.... say what? that my little one is pure and all it takes for things to happen is her looking up with those chocolate colored, kohl lined eyes, a smile that i imagine and a spring in her step.....

yes it looks like a sign that among all the dark clouds there will appear a cotton shell like one and from that the sun will shine as always.... we just have to look for the rainbow which will surely be there....

my rainbow is yet to come... though i have seen it.

What if.....

I was sitting and talking..... when my stomach felt like it just took a free fall... and my breath caught....
What if things never are the same anymore?
What if i get more why the hell are u calling instead of why the hell didnt u call for this long.....?
What if i am looked at like i can be looked through?
What if the offerings of an ice cream or ice candy dry up?
What if the words stop flowing...
What if thoughts stop coming....
What if..... what if.... whaaaatt..... if..... hmmmm....

The sun... the sand...

The sea as noisy and as turbulent as my beating heart..   somehow seems to be disturbed more often than being calm oflate....
Makes me wonder how the next 16 months gonna be.
Schedule drawn out
House cleaned up
Books in place
Mental repetition and convincing myself on how interested i am in a book i have no intention of studying.....
Again repeat to self u r obviously fascinated by this dry, monitonous subject no end tht u desperately want it soaked into your blood stream ....
Keep telling yourself that...
Thats the only way....

rest my little flower

Sometime last ecening,  i was driving down such a popular road especially on weekends the road is driven bumper to bumper.... not warranting any speed over40kmph.... and while i was heading back home after not watching a movie i had set out to watch because quite obviously i get my attention seeking gene from somewhere..... went to take care or whatever it is that needed to be done, actually  more to do what was expected to be done ofme.....

While driving down i saw a group of people standig around.... didnt think much coz i was busy going yaaaaap yappitty yap yap yap, my friend however found it necessary to ask me not to look back and how do i listen to the request while my logical brain is working on ok dont look back command my mindless region worked and i turned around kept asking what what what without knowing what i was suppossed to be looking for or looking at....thats when i saw.... a little one.... on the road.... people so far avoiding running over her again... my friend said he saw her tail wag while lying down still..... but before he started saying that i was already out of the car.....my glasses misted over.... i couldnt see where i was going.... i saw a guy in a blue tee shirt being humane and carrying her as the little ones mother would.... by the tuft on her neck and take her laying her to the side of the road he kept nodding that shes gone..... and kept looking up..... but the little one that she was.... she told us she was still hanging in there..... she gave us a sign.... she moved..... i gathered her in my arms.... the girl who was bleeding through her ears.... though i knew there was no chance. That this severe an injury to the head noone would survive..... i stil hung to an outside chance that if shes in pain we can help ease her away... or if we cud we cud bring her back.... back to the lively beauty she must have been.... there she was.... lying in my lap.... head held by my hand..... back supported on my belly.... my voice breaking as i told her to hold on... as i prayed that she not be able to feel the pain....  kept telling her to hold on even as i saw she stopped picking her ears up straining to hear my voice..... she stopped trying to hear but she was holding on.... coz i knew even if she couldnt hear me... she knew that someone cared...... held her as we searched for a doctor willing to take her in.... and as we searched.... her hand fell.... she waved her final wag one last time... weakly.... knowing i hope that someone saw her wave..... i carried her into the clinic knowing that we are not going to bring her back.... knowing that we cant help her.... but hoping that they can help her rest ... in peace.... and they said they cant help.... we took her .... bundled her and let her rest among nature.... with flowrrs around her..... a place for a tender flower to start blooming is where this little flower rests in peace.....

Times..

The times that u feel the loneliness are really the times that u are in need of people that truly love you...
The times that u feel the air still around u are the times that u truly need the music around u... The music that only u hear... From each step that u take... The beat of ur heart that gives u The divine rhythm for the dance of the flame within you....
The time when all u need is the wind howling enough to reach within the depth of your soul to awaken the sleeping demon within to exorcise the peaceful angel that prevails over u...
Times when the demon is better company than the angel on your shoulder...
Times that you'd rather laugh your way to glory and madness than the times that you cry your way into the deepest darkness crawling about.....
The times that you need soft hands to nurture your soul are the times your heart is held by claws that will not let go.... Those shrivelled hands... Those nails inches long digging deeper into the heart as It tries to beat...as that little fist sized being tries to infuse life into your lifeless soul....
All the while your mind plays its own games on ur being.... Existing while it doesn't exist.... Thinking when it doesn't think anymore .... Your eyes seeing beyond what they should be seeing ... Shadows taking unusual forms..... Forms that have never  existed before... Forms that resemble the hand that's squeezing the life that's left of u.....
And u don't know what to wish for anymore....
Heaven or hell... Coz without heaven there isn't any hell....
Unless u have seen both there's little a choice to make...
Without knowing one how will u know the other??
That my friend is the time...
The time that comes when u have to make a choice of where to live.....

Hold on..

Don't be afraid of a little pain coz pleasures on the other side.....

Two ends of a spectrum.... Always separated by a fine line ... Love and hate.... There are no grey areas..... I.difference u say? I say indifference is just an extreme of hate? Hate is just when u love something so much that u start detesting it.... Well then is there any hate in this world? Nope i don't think so.... Is there any pain? Its just the other end of pleasure... Is there a hurt? Its just the other end of help....
Thats onward way oflooking at it....
Another way?
Hate is the only thing that exist loves just at te other end .....
Theory proved by the countless movies produced i our lovely country ... So there's according to the Indian  cinemas perspective hate= deep forever love
No pleasure.... Pain always results in happiness....

Coming up next....

So.... I am horribly bored doing Wat  i am supposed t be here for.... Thts studying....
Was thinking .... That in itself Is a rarity i know... Was looking through sites just randomly and closed every tab that was open coz nothing caught my attention.... Just not interesting enough... Nothing enticing enough to lure me to read more than the first line....
And then it happened....
I stumbled across a yummy looking page that says 21 Bengali dishes that has just got to be tried...
#1 kachkolar kofta ... Yup that's Wat is on my mind
And that's wats coming up next....
Wait till i try it and let u know...
:-D

tombstone for English!

cease....

the beauty ceases to exist....
sun refuses to shine... the moon refuses to rise...
the water refuses to glitter...
as love ceases to exist...
as honor ceases to exist...
just as how the earth refuses to rest so does my mind...
the instant of hurt... the instant of regret...
that insane urge to apologise...
reality ceases to exist.........
just as u cease to exist...
just as i no longer exist.

compare compare compare!

the one word i do not like... actually absolutely detest is compare!
compare as a child to another who is more acceptable to the family sensibilities... compare in school with children who academically perform better.... compare with kids who sing better bcoz i havent been blessed with great singing genes what the hell can i do with oh she has such a good voice u should practise harder... compare compare compare!!! i would just rather run when i hear tht word... and just when i thought i was done with the comparing part of my life... mainly coz no one can near compare with me to the number of screw ups i have committed... ofcourse all done with the intention of not screwing up... but ended up getting screwed anyways....so just when i tot i wont hear the word ever again in my life i hear it all through my research papers... compare... the thing now is i dont get compared with another of same age or iq.... i end up having to compare myself and animals... ok... u did not read it wrong ANIMALS!!!

**sigh** the days i have fallen unto!!!

the moment... THAT moment...

The instant of recognition the glimmer in the eyes one of recognition... it felt Like a touch of the coolest wind, the unfurling bud of white lilies, the tenderness of the dew on the leaves of the greenest blades of grass, the first ray of sunshine hits the damp earth, the smell of the rains that remains of the night.... the muscles that had to be stretched.... the lazy yawn... the gaze lingering lazily on the place of warmth... the place which you normally take... the possessiveness that is seen in those eyes of yours.... the lazy predator like walk... the stalking across the room... looking for anything that s been changed over the short time of your resting those sharp, expressive eyes....
The smell of you lingering in the air...
as your tail disappears round the corner of the doorway... i sigh and fall back into blissful sleep....

those eyes...

the sweltering heat, the cool breeze, the beautiful face, the bright contrast...
the sound of those anklets, every jingle so distinct. the fragrance of those flowers that you wear so distinct though those flowers are so common.... the colors so bright that they would glare if not for adorning that dusky skin of yours.... those beautiful pool of hazel browns that look so tenderly... how i wish they were directed at me....

the beauty of the land is seen when a lone tree stands in the middle of the parched surface....
the mirage is real when our throats are burning with thirst,
the illusion ceases to exist the instant the mind wakes up,
the beauty of the soul is seen only by the eyes of a truer soul.

What it means to me

When a person asks all about us... and the whole i-am-being-so-nice-i-hope-u-notice-and-gimme-brownie-points treatment and conversation is so mundane and meaningless.
when a person does tht is it a face that women can just sense it so much easier than anyone else? or is it a fact that men are just too dumb to understand?
like the other day, it has become such a routine that i meet a friend and have dinner and head to some randome movie.... so the plan was made in reverse... the movie was fixed, i thought it to be natural to assume i was gonna have a drive a dinner and a movie as a package.... the lead up to the evening was of silence. lol. i mean virtual, radio silence.... i thought nothing of it coz afterall i disappear off the face of the earth a little too often only to resurface for a breath of imaginary happily ever after running in front of my eyes in digital light... but the silence continue... i was sitting at home swatting and chasing flies with my lil froggie and then **ping** i tripped over the limit of my patience and just randomly said fine i am going out! see! i can go out without u giving me attention too... hmmpf :P and for that alone i got a reply, how ironic... me waiting for messages and not getting any while when i say i wont reply is when i get a flood of them....

anyway... and then next thing i know dinner not happening. drive not happening. lol and trust me i am the worst person u can meet on planet earth or probably in the universe including grouchy aliens when i am hungry. you would not want to get on my wrong side... its like destruction tornado...
and since my day has already been horrible coz anything i expect i end up with a result which makes me think why in the world or rather how the hell did i get to expect things from people?!!! and i expected the movie also not to happen. well it almost didnt. went in half an hour late to a one and a half hour movie. movie depressing. i am already feeling like just whatever.. letting go... and then interval hits us. i hate this break in between that the indians have discovered... back then u gotta change the reels i understand now?? really?!?? but yup the interval came. and almost went by and i was not asked if i wanted anything to eat when me being me looked at the frd and said u want anything :P and i get hit back with a what abt u... obviously since the friends tummy is full.... i said i am asking u btw i am heading out to get myself something....

yes i did expect him to get me something during the interval. yes i believe in equality of women. yes i always offer to pay up my share of expenses. food. coffee. chocolates. anything. i always split.... but still the thought that counts never was counted....

so from bad to worse... nothing.

end of story.

after i shed a few tears of anger **Against control** i hate it when i tear up! especially in front of anyone other than mom... or Lil Ms.B but i did... and then i get all the apologies and the realisation dawns on him that prolllly there could have been something that cud have been done....

well better late than never eh?

now i realise.... when u say no expectations... subconsciously they do come up... whether u want them to or not... but i guess knowing this makes a difference?
but when that doesnt happen... when i stop expecting friends to be the way i expect when the expectation is nullified then the relationship i share changes.... it enters the impersonal zone....

long back i had promised myself that i will never get hurt again by expecting people to be nice to me.... i better keep up to it....

i can try.... cant i?!???

i started....

So, about the schedule.... ahem.... ahaaan.... **cough cough**

its not that it didnt get started... it did... but well... lets just say it started. It didnt go beyond start.
i know i know. its not something to be very proud of... but hey i did try! dont i get brownie points for that??? well i do dont i?!!
alright!
i wil start... okay i hear you.... AND keep going.
i will....
until u hear from me again...
hitting the books now... yeah u guess it literally.
but no... really will get going...

**sigh**

yaaaay! 20!

So....
since i have been thinking so much about the countdown to getting outta this place i am stuck in... the last update on the count down was when there was 24 months remaining... now its just 20!! yippe yaaay! **doing the jiggy**
well not much difference from the 24 months u say?!!?

oh yes there is!
4 months back i had no structure... no9w i do.. and the time plan doesnt give me much scope to move around and say wooow i am bored *twiddlede twiddledah*
now its all gears set to go!
and boy! do i have to buck up or wat!

lets see how i stick to my schedule.
hope i dont comeback to rant abt how its not working!

**Grin**
20 months !!! YAAAAY!!!!!

The Kids watching.....

It was but a short trip. Less than two days maybe.... yes i did see a few places of intrest, typical touristy stuff... but on the way i also did see a hut, a hut close to which huge piles of wooden poles were kept lying down on top of each other.... brown among the fresh huge leaves, the leaves that looked so full of life.... my curiosity got the better of me, i got off my ride and walked to them giving them the most friendly smile i could not realising that i was covered in dirt and grease and me grinning would only look all the more scarier.... they were friendly nevertheless, offering me water and buttermilk while the language came between us to hear our voices in tones and inflections that were familiar to us we still managed to communicate, communicate well at that, with me pointing at random things lying around and with those poor workers bone tired, hand stained black trying to make me understand the process of converting those fresh leaves... the leaves that gave them their daily bread and butter.. or rotis and dhals... those very leaves that made their hands go black, stains that no matter how much they try remain, the very leaves that feeds them, they also realise that these huge beautiful jade green leaves that go through the process of being tied on the poles a hundred per pole and then these poles that are dry furnaced inside their house which they have converted to help them be self sufficient while they sleep outside under the vast skies.... these dry leaves that are rolled and go up in smoke...are the ones that are taking their loved ones away early... too early... and though they dont will their young ones into what they do... do they have a choice? yes they do... a choice between staying clothed and a belly full of food and....? and what? with me riding down the road it was atleast 15 kilometers to the nearest box shop that they sell our basics, imagine where the nearest doctor will be... imagine where the nearest school? market? nah... i dont think they see much of a choice.

Their hands are stained, blood, leaves, tears and sweat.... The children... the children are watching with hawk like eyes... watching what is done and how... waiting ... waiting for one of the older ones to travel out of their house on the wodden poles that are lying around.... tied together... them going toward a future with no stains on their hands and no coughs or dreaded illnesses in their next life.... to take over their places.... and the cycle continues again.... while their kids wait watching....

trial and error part two:)

ett

Goodbye again!

Its time to say goodbye my dear friend.... i guess goodbyes are the one thing that will be a part of our lives no matter where  we are , where we go, who we meet.....

Everyone seeing their lives flash past in those last moments....not having loved enough and not having said their goodbyes.... its always about good byes....

Its good bye till the next time... its good bye again.
Every good bye has its time, its place. but its always good bye again....

let be....

the house we live in is huge, the salary we get is enough, the land we walk on is supposed to be stepped in, the water we swim in is meant to be swum through.... who says all tht?

Who defijnes the language that we speak in?

who said no means the word no that it signifies to us today? what if back then in those days no actually meant yes? who knows? why does every word come with a deeper meaning attached? and why do those meanings have a positive or negative attachment to it? why do we associate a few words to being positive and a few others to being negative? why dont they imply things the other way around?

Why do we always abide by the hoard mentality either all in or stay out? if u dont join the group u gotta walk absolutely alone and u will be ostracized?

Why make a social pariah of people who dont follow the crowd and those who choose to be different?

Why victimize? 

why not just follow i let u be and i let me be too?

that way noone gets annoyed by my principles and no one annoys me with their set of morality and principles too?

 all of us are victims of our own perceptions. perceptions that we believe are true. but there are always three sides of a story, yours, theirs and the truth. 

truth u say?

who defines the truth?

what is the truth?

what is life is truth, but life is an illusion.truth is life. illusion is true.

the mind that makes it is true.

the mind that plays and grows in the truth of illusion is the mind that is most happy and all encompassing.

The eyes tht accept illusions are eyes that are open to the true mind,

the inner being,

the core light of our soul 

shining through sharp hawk like eyes.

That is us.

truth.

illusion.

life.

All for one. one for all.

the purest part of u...

 A tear is shed from the corner of your eye.... Rolling down your cheek. Probably the purest thing u have ever made. So heavy with the emotions that carry it to the tip of your nose. What a beauty that one drop of purity is.... How it evokes a mixed feelings of sadness and loss in you while it brings out a protectiveness and helplessness in me... I never want you to shed a tear, but I also know this is not the first.. Neither will it be the last time I see you cry.. No matter how much I can make things right I won't. I know, you have to make your own mistakes. Trip, fall, bruise your knees, hurt from your soul... I will always be there... When you move forward I will be by your side to hold your hand and be proud :)

Lil Ms.B!

 The best blessing in disguise I have had so far has effectively managed to push me to a corner of my bed while she lays down sprawling on 90% of the bed surface area to catch her power nap before she wakes me up in the middle of my sleep... Waking me up from my vivid dreams so I play tug with her and her favourite black stole of mine which has been knotted ten times over to form her tug toy.... No matter how expensive colorful or interesting the alternate I pick she wants only my clothes which are knotted to play with.... Read rip apart and shred them to pieces..... At times I feel like locking her outta d house just to catch up on sleep and for once take my dream to a fairytale conclusion but, I know I will begin dreaming of her crying her heart out, thereby defeating my purpose of putting her out in the first place! What would I do without Ms. destruction personified! I have been through a huge phase in my life where the only thing tht pushed me and kept me going was to make sure she had food and a roof over her head.... How many times I have been told to give her up so that I can be comfortable without any attachments! I have lost count..... But I am so glad to have held on to her... Not because I enjoy having my clothes torn and getting myself a new wardrobe everytime tht it happens... Definitely not everytime she gets angry at being left alone at home for too long and rips my books apart.... Oh not the times that she refuses to eat bcoz its not interesting enough.... Did I mention the number of times that I feel the overpowering urge to shake her so much that. Could daze her out when she wakes up at 4 in the morning with an urge to play? I should have named her crazy or loco.... Would have been so apt.... But the destructive tornado that she is... She is also a gentle giant when it comes down to the basics.... A fuzzy bundle of warmth who gets excited when she sees me come home... It doesn't matter if I was away the whole day or for 5 mins to go get the milk.... She still jumps at me like she hasn't seen me in years.... Meet Ms. B. Gosh! Wonder wat ppl do without furry friends!

what reason?!?

When people tell u everything happens for a reason and all u feel like doing is wring their neck and then run around the town pulling the few strands of hair left on your scalp out of frustration... AND screaming that u will never get it at their faces....just so that they can turn around and say yup even this is happening for a reason and it snaps your balance and you click into your super calm mode and ask them to stick their logic where the sun doesn't shine.... I guess people would term it as just being crazy.... Then oh boy! Am I in trouble! I must be crazy over a hundred times over!
Let me give you a small background of what triggered this rant.....
I was in a bus. Just so you know how it is when women travel in buses and they don't get seats.... A man... Standing behind you looking decent well groomed, will grab your back and feel you up and rub himself over you for god knows what joy.... When u try changing your posture by giving him the shoulder he very ingeniously (I say ingenious bcoz i have not experienced the post giving shoulder harassment before) so u turn and stand sideways wit your shoulder apparently meant to protect you when he with the bulge in his pants uses the sad brakes and the manoeuvring of the poor driver in avoiding as many potholes as possible to bump against your hand which obviously is hanging beside you from the said given shoulder while looking at your bust at the same time.... Infuriating right? The highlight of it all is the fact that the said man is a middle aged regular joe looking person. No lewd remarks, no pan stained teeth, no leering he answered a call from his wife while doing all this and talking about the groceries he's gotta get when he gets home!
When the guy started pushing himself into my hand I stepped hard on his toes and turned and warned him brave your age and he sulked away.... Only to do the same with a petrified little school girl... Ok not so little, she was maybe high school. But does that validate what he did???
I asked for them to stop d bus and got him to the cops and asked for an fir to be filed and they say "its normal for a man to b a man.... U only have to take care madam"... I know. Imagine. What more are we supposed to do to take care? Not board common buses when we're fighting against time to get home? Not to give our backpacks to be held by seated passengers so we can take the load off our shoulders for the duration of the trip? Not to stand with our backs facing the en so that we can get the same treatment to our chests???
While I was walking out of the station... I get an elderly sub inspector a lady, telling me everything happens for a reason.... And that now I will learn from this incident later.
Yes I have learnt. Don't bother with the police. Don't bother with being subtle. Go ahead and break the guys nose. Get myself to travel by a private vehicle. Everywhere. So I can get myself a car, bike, auto. What about the school kids? Do they still have to keep trying to adjust the position of their bags?
Where is the reason behind incidences like these???
When will it end?

for every wish I make.....

 Its so hot it is tht I dontfeel like moving outta d bed... Stepping outta d bed feels too tiring and looks like too much effort.... Gosh its times like these tht I want to have someone who fleas and cooks for me...when I don't have to work I just lie back on a cozy comfy bed with fresh plumped up pillows... Clean sheets.... Temperature regulated room....Perfectly blended coffee ir hot chocolate.... A big fat book in hand.... No not my textbooks... I mean a good interesting novel..... And my pet sprawled out next to me.....
Sigh...
If I had a penny for every wish tht came true....

let go...:)

 A beautiful sunrise....
A well composed song List in the background
A relaxed run....
My pet looks at me and gives a content but tired sigh....
We have both of us in our silences....
A perfect blend on my taste buds.....
There isn't a bitter taste anymore....
I don't see a heartburn anymore....
The mist has cleared from the glass pane....
Now its just clear glass......
And to me just as clear as the glass.....
I see through you...
No, I now look through you....
At once I know.....
I let go.....

Life comes a circle!

       Last eve... i was in the company of a friend who is special for so many reasons, my rock and the shoulder to cry on during the darkest days i have had so far, one of the few people who have seen hope for me when i was delving and wallowing in the depths of the darkness of hopelessness... and where will i want to go if given the choice? i suggested the beach.... when we started out the skies started opening up and it disappointed me that i could not go down to the beach... noting my disappointment he said lets try and take a call.... so off we went... and voila...the road leading to the beach was parched dry.....

we reached the beach and the sea was as turbulent as i was inside... the five rules that i was to be following was making me feel like was loosing my footing and was grappling with the ways to get around this fix that i have....
sat in the beach, looking at the water letting my friend out on his own to do his thing.... and i was just there... looking at the sea and not seeing it.... not realising the distance that i am putting between the beach and me... not letting the winds which were so strong that they were throwing sand across my face to touch me.. i was so far away in the world of my thoughts that i didnt see my kutty run away... didnt see her being bought in the arms of my friend... didnt see her chase the crabs... nothing... just looking... but not seeing... eventually i was asked the question which i normally ask as a rule to people i am with :P " What are u thinking"  and thats when i realised that i was far away... lurking in the deepness... like a lizard.... slithering onto surfaces that it doesnt know or understand but trying to hold onto the grip it has.... and i answered with.... whats been plaguing me for a few weeks now... what were my dreams... so far so perfect... and what have i become... nothing in lines to the dreams dreamt by the young scarless child... the stars are all faded and the road bitter with eyes so wary... and my steps tired.. the road i have taken is so distant... thought about all the times that i expected something but in reality was thrown out the window to get struck with the current of reality on my face..... and he said... "this is not how u usually are at the beach" and just let it go....

that space, that silence... that presence brought me home...

unimaginably.... him and my girl were busy digging holes and making tunnels in the sand... suddenly i got my hand burried into the sand and withdrew it to form a deep tunnel.... after which i went back to my childhood.... forming tunnels, he made the bridge... the details are the beauty... he kept small sticks to look like trees... an arch... and i was laughing so hard at how much things just go back to how it is when we are children and never really changes... not so much... the delight i felt when the tunnel stood as a bridge connecting two ends... the time i saw my friends eyes light up with delight... it was just perfect.... the wind subsided, the sun went down... the beach was at peace....

i know eventually i will be too.....

trying not to b swallowed by the darkness, the blackhole of worthlessness and despair that lurks at the deepest end, the bottom of an insecure heart.

i dont know where i am.... at times i plunge to the bottom of the sea...at times i rise like the sun.....

the plunging has got to stop at some time... and it will be soon... i know.... my heart says so... and i will rise... like the sun.... i am meant to be as who i am named after.... i believe... and so... i wil....

old ladies and their ego trips

The last coupla weeks have been horrible! horrible being an understatement... being so overwhelmed and so underperforming is the first time in my 28years on this planet.... this has been the first such time that i am feeling so powerless... to do anything and to not feel disappointed...

The fat lady.... not not the one that  sings money the other fat lady the one that pretty much has the next 24 months of my life within the oddly shaped fist of hers is the one that i would love to blame it on... but as i type this i end up thinking that i am wrong and i know it. it is not her who is making me miserable... it is not my colleague it is not the place and it is not even my food.... it is just the space in which i am right now that says stop pushing me and it is the timing that doesnt work for me.... i have been pushed around enough the last few years that i am not going to take all this crap from any one any more no matter who they are my rebellious mind says and my heart feels right to follow my mind only bcoz it doesnt want to get hurt again.... if it was another time frame in another setting maybe i would have just not bothered and the stress wouldnt have gotten to me... but now it does. i also realise that like i come with my baggage of not going to listen to u shrill background voice singing annoyingly at times in my head the other person would be having some other tune in their head thats equally off key.... so may be... maybe i just have to live with my song while they strain and listen to theirs....

so i am still going to be going back to screaming and behaving rude everytime someone changes the way my chair sits or if they adjust my stuff at my place thinking they are doing me a favour.... well i will still tell them that i do not want to be told what i should be doing or how i should be doing something.... just the fact that now that i know.... Knowing makes no difference does it :p ;)

Exer-size!!!

The thing about writing what i feel is it has to be at that moment.... once the moment passes it becomes a memory and as every minute passes it fades no matter how much i want to hold on to it.... i just checked in on how much i weigh andddd..... looks like i have added a few stones to my previous reading.... and it just takes so much effort and moolah to hit the gym... i have been meaning to start on the swimming plan... went and checked out a pool at this god forsaken place and though i wasnt happy abt it convinced and spoke myself into using it... the hitch now? u may ask... it is the fact that i dont have a swim cap.... it is just an excuse and i know it as well... i just dont feel like it.... i dont feel like getting into a bathing suit when i know my tummy is gonna be jutting out like i am five months off :P

i was looking through a few news sites and discovered a give it 100 site?!!!? i have heard of this theory where u do something for 21 days continuously and i becomes a habit.... but it didnt work for me... so this give it 100 sounds like bollocks too... but either ways at least my companion friend and myself will start liking getting up in the mornings if i manage to take her for a walk and in the process if i establish a routine nothing like it... right?!!??

so lets see.... starting day one of active lifestyle as against sedentary one....

crematorium of dreams....

 Lying in the sweltering heat, looking up at my ceiling, watching the ineffective fan make its rounds, hearing the buzz of mosquitoes in my ear from time to time.... Reminding me to stay awake... And everytime I bring my fingers close to my arm or leg feeling a squishy lazy enterprising mosquito getting crushed under the pulp of my finger gives an indescribable satisfaction. Staying awake all night makes me cranky, staying awake bcoz of these pesky little lives out to suck my blood quite literally is not a great feeling, it leaves me feeling irritable all day.....
Damn these power cuts! Everytime I make up my mind to study I end up having no power and the momentum which never was is lost.....
I know... At this rate ill b in d midst of the crematorium of my dreams....

memories of a time long gone by....

 Know now, know forever there never was anyone who loved u more.... No-one who will... Not as much as I do.... Even after all the burnt castles, all the water that has run under the broken bridge, even after all the bitter pills swallowed... After everything.... I still can remember only the way your eyes closed when my fingers traced your cheek.... I was travelling by the train a this morning.... Looked out at all the stations and I remembered one where I used to wait for u.... With you after your classes....
The memories will be the death of me... I remember the way you would fix your hair.... Carefully.... Tuck in your shirt.... Adjust the folds over thefront of your belly.... The way you would fold up your sleeves.... Just exactly thrice over and wear your watch.... Only to run your fingers through your hair again..... I remember the first time I made u wear a perfume.... The beaming smile when u told me ppl were so positive abt the fragrance....the way everytime I gave u something your eyes would light up.... I remember... I remember the time where u pointed the stars out to me.... I remember the way u looked at me when I gave u money without asking when the ppl who u looked to didn't.... Remember the pride which went down when u thanked me for it..... I remember every birthday..... I remmber the shoulders.... I remember the chicken legs.... I remember the flinging of the ring... I remember the tears.... I remember the hurt.... But more so I remember everything happy that u gave me.... I will never love as much as I did.... As much as I do....
Y is it that I can remember only the good things? Prolly coz I don't want to soil your memories in my heart with bitterness...

You are right no man will I ever be able to love again.... U have spoilt me for tht.... Coz it has always been only u....

It doesn't matter that There wil b no kids.... It doesn't matter that there will be no trusting a man with my heart again.... It doesn't matter that there is no love.... There's no u anyway.....
I miss u....I miss the friend I had.... Forever urs.... In more ways than u wud care to know.....

cuckoo chickoo time!:)

 I don't know when I fell for the smell and the feel.... But I do know it was pretty early in my life....I have walked the land for 28 years now and well mom says I started walking early.... I love sapotta.... That's chickoo?? I sound cuckoo but I gotta give you what I know.... I was walking by... Last week and couldn't resist buying myself a pair.... It has been quite a few years since I did have one.... But I did finally... And it goes without saying it was devoured in no time.... Ever since I keep seeing push carts loaded and heaped with the tasty delight.... But I am invariably either too tired or preoccupied in my own thoughts that I don't bother going and getting them mainly bcoz buying it means standing there looking uninterested initially, allowing the vendor to lure u and then u bait the person who thinks he has baited u, once that's done is when the work starts.... The bargaining.... The haggling.... The loud voice.... The highly animated hand gestures, the refrain from grinning.... And finally the prize.... The catch... A loadful of the yummylicious fruit.... Ahhhh the smell!!! Divine I tell u..... And the texture of the fruit is hard to imagine... Only fellow addicts will be able to relate.... Oh! The delights of staying in a tropical country are one too many for a gastronomic palate like mine.... . The messy unpeeling of the rough wood brown peel... The soft to semi firm consistency that melts in your mouth.... The lovely tear shaped blackest of black smooth seed with just a thin line of white to contrast.... Oooooh yummmmm I say!

Ofcourse I got a whole load of it and am on my way tru half of them.... Relishing

post 2 years

 So february was a mixed month after a chaotic start to the year I was dreading feb coz it had so many negative memories which would be so hard to fuzz over.... Maybe its too early .... Or just maybe the scars are too deep to heal so soon....
February started the dreaded day approached... And like anyotherday disappointments and compensations.... And then came flowers and chocolates.... Followed by an awesome dinner and an awesomer drive.... Is there a word??awesomer??? I should look it up.... So finally I had the gall to wear a sleeveless outta my house.... And got complimented for it.... :)
The story abt me not wearing sleeveless?? Funny tht I should remember it now when writing this out.... Wen I was in my early teens I go out shopping with this cousin of mine who was supposed to be the ideal child of the house, the smartest among us poor mortal children..... So.... I went shopping saw this beautiful white column top with black embroidery of some circular geometric designs at the edges with a cute keyhole cut out in the front.... Closer to my neck than u know where.... So I was hyper about picking it and it was 999!!!! I was calculating in my head saying alright three months of no extra chocolates and I can pay it back.... Not much lost for this cute little number and was excited enough to ask her how it looked.... I didn't tell her I'm taking it... I asked for an opinion... Which was a huuuge mistake .... Bcoz I got a u r crazy eye roll and then she gives a smug smile whichis sooo typical of her thinking back... And says "are u sure?? Coz u don't have arms for a sleeveless .... I mean look at your arms they are so flabby like the maaru lady there! Buy it though someday u may use it". I went ahead and bought it.... Just to let tht top sit and rot in my cupboard....I wud sigh everytime I looked at it.... And then during my dark phase it was don't even think of wearing trousers coz all men will see only u... So forget it.... Finally out of the dark phase I throw all d past... Not just associated with one person... But associated with every negative memory was chugged down the drain....

And yes here I was sitting 15 years later with or without maaru arms with a frd who complimented d way I looked in something I was still building my confidence wearing and was feeling good... And the drive. Perfect. Fell asleep with a smile my first valentines ever that I got flowers and chocolates.... Felt like a princess....

The second day to tackle came and boy dd it come too soon.... Thank god for siblings... They keep u on your toes don't they...wat would I ever do without my lil one... Movie... A trip to pondy.... Chilled out lunch.... Beach.... A long drawn out coffee and the drive back.... So perfect second dreaded day too....

as of this year february officially is gonna be a month that I look forward to.... :)

Thanks to my lil one and my six foot one dezired friend....;)

the simple definition soul

 How is that all the lousy people get to live an awesome life?? Atleast from the outside it looks great....people who equate everything to materialistic pleasure keep getting only the best and keep forging to heights when ppl who r on the wrong end of the stick keep dipping lower?? Is it just my perception? Or is tht how it works??
I know lifes never fair.... I've heard the cliché that the villians will pay for what they did or have done... But in which lifetime?? The wrongdoers always seem to be on the right side of life when the ones following the right path or atleast the path of their hearts always end up seeing one obstacle after the other....
What u sow so u reap?? Is that meant to be a joke??? Are we supposed to take the mahabharata saying to heart... Do what u have to without expecting anything in return.... Is that even humanely possible?? It feels like that works in the ideal world..... When we do good.... Ehen we keep wishing well how come no one does that for us?? Or atleast we don't feel well wished by the so called well wishers..... Again my perception.....
The story of the white car under a pink light.... **shrug**
Let me explain what started this rant.... I know this one person... A really nice guy.... Who seems very stable.... Has a totally different idea of fun as when compared to me... A total different perspective of spending quality time as when compared to me.... Well for example for me, spending quality time is basically having time for each other.... And well doing something anything together.... Even if it means just a walk on the beach.... Even if it means sharing one boiled peanut serving by the beach... To me its not only about the five stars or three stars to a place.... What's a five star when u r busy looking elsewhere and ur voice is drowned in the background music..... But to the concerned person spending quality time is sitting in front of the tv and just looking... Not even watching mind u... Until he falls asleep in front of the idiot box.... So back to the point, the point being this kind of person is the one who is presented with options to go out mingle have fun earn more the latter being his prime happiness ka reason.... While poor old souls like me with simple definitions are left with lesser options and have to make do with digging around the floor of the well in which we have already hit rock bottom in search of options to keep us going.....ironic.... Maybe not.... Maybe its the universe conspiring against us.... To check the limits of our simple definitions... To see how much more we can be pushed before we stop looking at the smaller things.... Before we stop noticing the sapling unfurling its leafs for the first time.... Maybe that time will never come... Because we the simple definition souls will always manage to find a piece of broken glass while digging the base of the well and will always stop to admire the rainbow that it makes when the sun shines through it...
Its tough to digest. It plunges the world as we know it into darkness.... But the sun does shine again.... And what can't be digested needs to be expelled one way or the other.....:p

So cheers to u Gundoos! May all that u want keep coming your way!

That coming from a simple definition gal to the materialistic guy!

What's a soulmate???who is??

What's a soul mate.... Rather.... Who is.... Is it just an ideology?? Is it just a fantasy....this year began with me reading random quotes and one of them said u want ur child to be smart read them fairy tales and if u want them to be smarter read them even more fairy tales..... Wondering wat the relation is aren't u? The line connecting the two totally different thoughts is the fact that a soul mate may just be a part of a fairy tale..... Just so we become smarter? We keep believing that a perfect soulmate exists.... Isn't tht believing a fairy tale?

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master.. Maybe..... But doesn't that make us wonder.... Why go through the wonderful process of meeting someone and going through the experience with the term soulmate ringing in your ears only to see the mirror image and the slow back track that u do while painfully ripping a piece of u away from ur own self at the same time possible breaking the others core....

Is the fairy tale of a soulmate worth it?? Really???