the purest part of u...

 A tear is shed from the corner of your eye.... Rolling down your cheek. Probably the purest thing u have ever made. So heavy with the emotions that carry it to the tip of your nose. What a beauty that one drop of purity is.... How it evokes a mixed feelings of sadness and loss in you while it brings out a protectiveness and helplessness in me... I never want you to shed a tear, but I also know this is not the first.. Neither will it be the last time I see you cry.. No matter how much I can make things right I won't. I know, you have to make your own mistakes. Trip, fall, bruise your knees, hurt from your soul... I will always be there... When you move forward I will be by your side to hold your hand and be proud :)

Lil Ms.B!

 The best blessing in disguise I have had so far has effectively managed to push me to a corner of my bed while she lays down sprawling on 90% of the bed surface area to catch her power nap before she wakes me up in the middle of my sleep... Waking me up from my vivid dreams so I play tug with her and her favourite black stole of mine which has been knotted ten times over to form her tug toy.... No matter how expensive colorful or interesting the alternate I pick she wants only my clothes which are knotted to play with.... Read rip apart and shred them to pieces..... At times I feel like locking her outta d house just to catch up on sleep and for once take my dream to a fairytale conclusion but, I know I will begin dreaming of her crying her heart out, thereby defeating my purpose of putting her out in the first place! What would I do without Ms. destruction personified! I have been through a huge phase in my life where the only thing tht pushed me and kept me going was to make sure she had food and a roof over her head.... How many times I have been told to give her up so that I can be comfortable without any attachments! I have lost count..... But I am so glad to have held on to her... Not because I enjoy having my clothes torn and getting myself a new wardrobe everytime tht it happens... Definitely not everytime she gets angry at being left alone at home for too long and rips my books apart.... Oh not the times that she refuses to eat bcoz its not interesting enough.... Did I mention the number of times that I feel the overpowering urge to shake her so much that. Could daze her out when she wakes up at 4 in the morning with an urge to play? I should have named her crazy or loco.... Would have been so apt.... But the destructive tornado that she is... She is also a gentle giant when it comes down to the basics.... A fuzzy bundle of warmth who gets excited when she sees me come home... It doesn't matter if I was away the whole day or for 5 mins to go get the milk.... She still jumps at me like she hasn't seen me in years.... Meet Ms. B. Gosh! Wonder wat ppl do without furry friends!

what reason?!?

When people tell u everything happens for a reason and all u feel like doing is wring their neck and then run around the town pulling the few strands of hair left on your scalp out of frustration... AND screaming that u will never get it at their faces....just so that they can turn around and say yup even this is happening for a reason and it snaps your balance and you click into your super calm mode and ask them to stick their logic where the sun doesn't shine.... I guess people would term it as just being crazy.... Then oh boy! Am I in trouble! I must be crazy over a hundred times over!
Let me give you a small background of what triggered this rant.....
I was in a bus. Just so you know how it is when women travel in buses and they don't get seats.... A man... Standing behind you looking decent well groomed, will grab your back and feel you up and rub himself over you for god knows what joy.... When u try changing your posture by giving him the shoulder he very ingeniously (I say ingenious bcoz i have not experienced the post giving shoulder harassment before) so u turn and stand sideways wit your shoulder apparently meant to protect you when he with the bulge in his pants uses the sad brakes and the manoeuvring of the poor driver in avoiding as many potholes as possible to bump against your hand which obviously is hanging beside you from the said given shoulder while looking at your bust at the same time.... Infuriating right? The highlight of it all is the fact that the said man is a middle aged regular joe looking person. No lewd remarks, no pan stained teeth, no leering he answered a call from his wife while doing all this and talking about the groceries he's gotta get when he gets home!
When the guy started pushing himself into my hand I stepped hard on his toes and turned and warned him brave your age and he sulked away.... Only to do the same with a petrified little school girl... Ok not so little, she was maybe high school. But does that validate what he did???
I asked for them to stop d bus and got him to the cops and asked for an fir to be filed and they say "its normal for a man to b a man.... U only have to take care madam"... I know. Imagine. What more are we supposed to do to take care? Not board common buses when we're fighting against time to get home? Not to give our backpacks to be held by seated passengers so we can take the load off our shoulders for the duration of the trip? Not to stand with our backs facing the en so that we can get the same treatment to our chests???
While I was walking out of the station... I get an elderly sub inspector a lady, telling me everything happens for a reason.... And that now I will learn from this incident later.
Yes I have learnt. Don't bother with the police. Don't bother with being subtle. Go ahead and break the guys nose. Get myself to travel by a private vehicle. Everywhere. So I can get myself a car, bike, auto. What about the school kids? Do they still have to keep trying to adjust the position of their bags?
Where is the reason behind incidences like these???
When will it end?

for every wish I make.....

 Its so hot it is tht I dontfeel like moving outta d bed... Stepping outta d bed feels too tiring and looks like too much effort.... Gosh its times like these tht I want to have someone who fleas and cooks for me...when I don't have to work I just lie back on a cozy comfy bed with fresh plumped up pillows... Clean sheets.... Temperature regulated room....Perfectly blended coffee ir hot chocolate.... A big fat book in hand.... No not my textbooks... I mean a good interesting novel..... And my pet sprawled out next to me.....
Sigh...
If I had a penny for every wish tht came true....

let go...:)

 A beautiful sunrise....
A well composed song List in the background
A relaxed run....
My pet looks at me and gives a content but tired sigh....
We have both of us in our silences....
A perfect blend on my taste buds.....
There isn't a bitter taste anymore....
I don't see a heartburn anymore....
The mist has cleared from the glass pane....
Now its just clear glass......
And to me just as clear as the glass.....
I see through you...
No, I now look through you....
At once I know.....
I let go.....

Life comes a circle!

       Last eve... i was in the company of a friend who is special for so many reasons, my rock and the shoulder to cry on during the darkest days i have had so far, one of the few people who have seen hope for me when i was delving and wallowing in the depths of the darkness of hopelessness... and where will i want to go if given the choice? i suggested the beach.... when we started out the skies started opening up and it disappointed me that i could not go down to the beach... noting my disappointment he said lets try and take a call.... so off we went... and voila...the road leading to the beach was parched dry.....

we reached the beach and the sea was as turbulent as i was inside... the five rules that i was to be following was making me feel like was loosing my footing and was grappling with the ways to get around this fix that i have....
sat in the beach, looking at the water letting my friend out on his own to do his thing.... and i was just there... looking at the sea and not seeing it.... not realising the distance that i am putting between the beach and me... not letting the winds which were so strong that they were throwing sand across my face to touch me.. i was so far away in the world of my thoughts that i didnt see my kutty run away... didnt see her being bought in the arms of my friend... didnt see her chase the crabs... nothing... just looking... but not seeing... eventually i was asked the question which i normally ask as a rule to people i am with :P " What are u thinking"  and thats when i realised that i was far away... lurking in the deepness... like a lizard.... slithering onto surfaces that it doesnt know or understand but trying to hold onto the grip it has.... and i answered with.... whats been plaguing me for a few weeks now... what were my dreams... so far so perfect... and what have i become... nothing in lines to the dreams dreamt by the young scarless child... the stars are all faded and the road bitter with eyes so wary... and my steps tired.. the road i have taken is so distant... thought about all the times that i expected something but in reality was thrown out the window to get struck with the current of reality on my face..... and he said... "this is not how u usually are at the beach" and just let it go....

that space, that silence... that presence brought me home...

unimaginably.... him and my girl were busy digging holes and making tunnels in the sand... suddenly i got my hand burried into the sand and withdrew it to form a deep tunnel.... after which i went back to my childhood.... forming tunnels, he made the bridge... the details are the beauty... he kept small sticks to look like trees... an arch... and i was laughing so hard at how much things just go back to how it is when we are children and never really changes... not so much... the delight i felt when the tunnel stood as a bridge connecting two ends... the time i saw my friends eyes light up with delight... it was just perfect.... the wind subsided, the sun went down... the beach was at peace....

i know eventually i will be too.....

trying not to b swallowed by the darkness, the blackhole of worthlessness and despair that lurks at the deepest end, the bottom of an insecure heart.

i dont know where i am.... at times i plunge to the bottom of the sea...at times i rise like the sun.....

the plunging has got to stop at some time... and it will be soon... i know.... my heart says so... and i will rise... like the sun.... i am meant to be as who i am named after.... i believe... and so... i wil....