cease....

the beauty ceases to exist....
sun refuses to shine... the moon refuses to rise...
the water refuses to glitter...
as love ceases to exist...
as honor ceases to exist...
just as how the earth refuses to rest so does my mind...
the instant of hurt... the instant of regret...
that insane urge to apologise...
reality ceases to exist.........
just as u cease to exist...
just as i no longer exist.

compare compare compare!

the one word i do not like... actually absolutely detest is compare!
compare as a child to another who is more acceptable to the family sensibilities... compare in school with children who academically perform better.... compare with kids who sing better bcoz i havent been blessed with great singing genes what the hell can i do with oh she has such a good voice u should practise harder... compare compare compare!!! i would just rather run when i hear tht word... and just when i thought i was done with the comparing part of my life... mainly coz no one can near compare with me to the number of screw ups i have committed... ofcourse all done with the intention of not screwing up... but ended up getting screwed anyways....so just when i tot i wont hear the word ever again in my life i hear it all through my research papers... compare... the thing now is i dont get compared with another of same age or iq.... i end up having to compare myself and animals... ok... u did not read it wrong ANIMALS!!!

**sigh** the days i have fallen unto!!!

the moment... THAT moment...

The instant of recognition the glimmer in the eyes one of recognition... it felt Like a touch of the coolest wind, the unfurling bud of white lilies, the tenderness of the dew on the leaves of the greenest blades of grass, the first ray of sunshine hits the damp earth, the smell of the rains that remains of the night.... the muscles that had to be stretched.... the lazy yawn... the gaze lingering lazily on the place of warmth... the place which you normally take... the possessiveness that is seen in those eyes of yours.... the lazy predator like walk... the stalking across the room... looking for anything that s been changed over the short time of your resting those sharp, expressive eyes....
The smell of you lingering in the air...
as your tail disappears round the corner of the doorway... i sigh and fall back into blissful sleep....

those eyes...

the sweltering heat, the cool breeze, the beautiful face, the bright contrast...
the sound of those anklets, every jingle so distinct. the fragrance of those flowers that you wear so distinct though those flowers are so common.... the colors so bright that they would glare if not for adorning that dusky skin of yours.... those beautiful pool of hazel browns that look so tenderly... how i wish they were directed at me....

the beauty of the land is seen when a lone tree stands in the middle of the parched surface....
the mirage is real when our throats are burning with thirst,
the illusion ceases to exist the instant the mind wakes up,
the beauty of the soul is seen only by the eyes of a truer soul.

What it means to me

When a person asks all about us... and the whole i-am-being-so-nice-i-hope-u-notice-and-gimme-brownie-points treatment and conversation is so mundane and meaningless.
when a person does tht is it a face that women can just sense it so much easier than anyone else? or is it a fact that men are just too dumb to understand?
like the other day, it has become such a routine that i meet a friend and have dinner and head to some randome movie.... so the plan was made in reverse... the movie was fixed, i thought it to be natural to assume i was gonna have a drive a dinner and a movie as a package.... the lead up to the evening was of silence. lol. i mean virtual, radio silence.... i thought nothing of it coz afterall i disappear off the face of the earth a little too often only to resurface for a breath of imaginary happily ever after running in front of my eyes in digital light... but the silence continue... i was sitting at home swatting and chasing flies with my lil froggie and then **ping** i tripped over the limit of my patience and just randomly said fine i am going out! see! i can go out without u giving me attention too... hmmpf :P and for that alone i got a reply, how ironic... me waiting for messages and not getting any while when i say i wont reply is when i get a flood of them....

anyway... and then next thing i know dinner not happening. drive not happening. lol and trust me i am the worst person u can meet on planet earth or probably in the universe including grouchy aliens when i am hungry. you would not want to get on my wrong side... its like destruction tornado...
and since my day has already been horrible coz anything i expect i end up with a result which makes me think why in the world or rather how the hell did i get to expect things from people?!!! and i expected the movie also not to happen. well it almost didnt. went in half an hour late to a one and a half hour movie. movie depressing. i am already feeling like just whatever.. letting go... and then interval hits us. i hate this break in between that the indians have discovered... back then u gotta change the reels i understand now?? really?!?? but yup the interval came. and almost went by and i was not asked if i wanted anything to eat when me being me looked at the frd and said u want anything :P and i get hit back with a what abt u... obviously since the friends tummy is full.... i said i am asking u btw i am heading out to get myself something....

yes i did expect him to get me something during the interval. yes i believe in equality of women. yes i always offer to pay up my share of expenses. food. coffee. chocolates. anything. i always split.... but still the thought that counts never was counted....

so from bad to worse... nothing.

end of story.

after i shed a few tears of anger **Against control** i hate it when i tear up! especially in front of anyone other than mom... or Lil Ms.B but i did... and then i get all the apologies and the realisation dawns on him that prolllly there could have been something that cud have been done....

well better late than never eh?

now i realise.... when u say no expectations... subconsciously they do come up... whether u want them to or not... but i guess knowing this makes a difference?
but when that doesnt happen... when i stop expecting friends to be the way i expect when the expectation is nullified then the relationship i share changes.... it enters the impersonal zone....

long back i had promised myself that i will never get hurt again by expecting people to be nice to me.... i better keep up to it....

i can try.... cant i?!???

i started....

So, about the schedule.... ahem.... ahaaan.... **cough cough**

its not that it didnt get started... it did... but well... lets just say it started. It didnt go beyond start.
i know i know. its not something to be very proud of... but hey i did try! dont i get brownie points for that??? well i do dont i?!!
alright!
i wil start... okay i hear you.... AND keep going.
i will....
until u hear from me again...
hitting the books now... yeah u guess it literally.
but no... really will get going...

**sigh**

yaaaay! 20!

So....
since i have been thinking so much about the countdown to getting outta this place i am stuck in... the last update on the count down was when there was 24 months remaining... now its just 20!! yippe yaaay! **doing the jiggy**
well not much difference from the 24 months u say?!!?

oh yes there is!
4 months back i had no structure... no9w i do.. and the time plan doesnt give me much scope to move around and say wooow i am bored *twiddlede twiddledah*
now its all gears set to go!
and boy! do i have to buck up or wat!

lets see how i stick to my schedule.
hope i dont comeback to rant abt how its not working!

**Grin**
20 months !!! YAAAAY!!!!!

The Kids watching.....

It was but a short trip. Less than two days maybe.... yes i did see a few places of intrest, typical touristy stuff... but on the way i also did see a hut, a hut close to which huge piles of wooden poles were kept lying down on top of each other.... brown among the fresh huge leaves, the leaves that looked so full of life.... my curiosity got the better of me, i got off my ride and walked to them giving them the most friendly smile i could not realising that i was covered in dirt and grease and me grinning would only look all the more scarier.... they were friendly nevertheless, offering me water and buttermilk while the language came between us to hear our voices in tones and inflections that were familiar to us we still managed to communicate, communicate well at that, with me pointing at random things lying around and with those poor workers bone tired, hand stained black trying to make me understand the process of converting those fresh leaves... the leaves that gave them their daily bread and butter.. or rotis and dhals... those very leaves that made their hands go black, stains that no matter how much they try remain, the very leaves that feeds them, they also realise that these huge beautiful jade green leaves that go through the process of being tied on the poles a hundred per pole and then these poles that are dry furnaced inside their house which they have converted to help them be self sufficient while they sleep outside under the vast skies.... these dry leaves that are rolled and go up in smoke...are the ones that are taking their loved ones away early... too early... and though they dont will their young ones into what they do... do they have a choice? yes they do... a choice between staying clothed and a belly full of food and....? and what? with me riding down the road it was atleast 15 kilometers to the nearest box shop that they sell our basics, imagine where the nearest doctor will be... imagine where the nearest school? market? nah... i dont think they see much of a choice.

Their hands are stained, blood, leaves, tears and sweat.... The children... the children are watching with hawk like eyes... watching what is done and how... waiting ... waiting for one of the older ones to travel out of their house on the wodden poles that are lying around.... tied together... them going toward a future with no stains on their hands and no coughs or dreaded illnesses in their next life.... to take over their places.... and the cycle continues again.... while their kids wait watching....

trial and error part two:)

ett

Goodbye again!

Its time to say goodbye my dear friend.... i guess goodbyes are the one thing that will be a part of our lives no matter where  we are , where we go, who we meet.....

Everyone seeing their lives flash past in those last moments....not having loved enough and not having said their goodbyes.... its always about good byes....

Its good bye till the next time... its good bye again.
Every good bye has its time, its place. but its always good bye again....

let be....

the house we live in is huge, the salary we get is enough, the land we walk on is supposed to be stepped in, the water we swim in is meant to be swum through.... who says all tht?

Who defijnes the language that we speak in?

who said no means the word no that it signifies to us today? what if back then in those days no actually meant yes? who knows? why does every word come with a deeper meaning attached? and why do those meanings have a positive or negative attachment to it? why do we associate a few words to being positive and a few others to being negative? why dont they imply things the other way around?

Why do we always abide by the hoard mentality either all in or stay out? if u dont join the group u gotta walk absolutely alone and u will be ostracized?

Why make a social pariah of people who dont follow the crowd and those who choose to be different?

Why victimize? 

why not just follow i let u be and i let me be too?

that way noone gets annoyed by my principles and no one annoys me with their set of morality and principles too?

 all of us are victims of our own perceptions. perceptions that we believe are true. but there are always three sides of a story, yours, theirs and the truth. 

truth u say?

who defines the truth?

what is the truth?

what is life is truth, but life is an illusion.truth is life. illusion is true.

the mind that makes it is true.

the mind that plays and grows in the truth of illusion is the mind that is most happy and all encompassing.

The eyes tht accept illusions are eyes that are open to the true mind,

the inner being,

the core light of our soul 

shining through sharp hawk like eyes.

That is us.

truth.

illusion.

life.

All for one. one for all.