What if.....

I was sitting and talking..... when my stomach felt like it just took a free fall... and my breath caught....
What if things never are the same anymore?
What if i get more why the hell are u calling instead of why the hell didnt u call for this long.....?
What if i am looked at like i can be looked through?
What if the offerings of an ice cream or ice candy dry up?
What if the words stop flowing...
What if thoughts stop coming....
What if..... what if.... whaaaatt..... if..... hmmmm....

The sun... the sand...

The sea as noisy and as turbulent as my beating heart..   somehow seems to be disturbed more often than being calm oflate....
Makes me wonder how the next 16 months gonna be.
Schedule drawn out
House cleaned up
Books in place
Mental repetition and convincing myself on how interested i am in a book i have no intention of studying.....
Again repeat to self u r obviously fascinated by this dry, monitonous subject no end tht u desperately want it soaked into your blood stream ....
Keep telling yourself that...
Thats the only way....

rest my little flower

Sometime last ecening,  i was driving down such a popular road especially on weekends the road is driven bumper to bumper.... not warranting any speed over40kmph.... and while i was heading back home after not watching a movie i had set out to watch because quite obviously i get my attention seeking gene from somewhere..... went to take care or whatever it is that needed to be done, actually  more to do what was expected to be done ofme.....

While driving down i saw a group of people standig around.... didnt think much coz i was busy going yaaaaap yappitty yap yap yap, my friend however found it necessary to ask me not to look back and how do i listen to the request while my logical brain is working on ok dont look back command my mindless region worked and i turned around kept asking what what what without knowing what i was suppossed to be looking for or looking at....thats when i saw.... a little one.... on the road.... people so far avoiding running over her again... my friend said he saw her tail wag while lying down still..... but before he started saying that i was already out of the car.....my glasses misted over.... i couldnt see where i was going.... i saw a guy in a blue tee shirt being humane and carrying her as the little ones mother would.... by the tuft on her neck and take her laying her to the side of the road he kept nodding that shes gone..... and kept looking up..... but the little one that she was.... she told us she was still hanging in there..... she gave us a sign.... she moved..... i gathered her in my arms.... the girl who was bleeding through her ears.... though i knew there was no chance. That this severe an injury to the head noone would survive..... i stil hung to an outside chance that if shes in pain we can help ease her away... or if we cud we cud bring her back.... back to the lively beauty she must have been.... there she was.... lying in my lap.... head held by my hand..... back supported on my belly.... my voice breaking as i told her to hold on... as i prayed that she not be able to feel the pain....  kept telling her to hold on even as i saw she stopped picking her ears up straining to hear my voice..... she stopped trying to hear but she was holding on.... coz i knew even if she couldnt hear me... she knew that someone cared...... held her as we searched for a doctor willing to take her in.... and as we searched.... her hand fell.... she waved her final wag one last time... weakly.... knowing i hope that someone saw her wave..... i carried her into the clinic knowing that we are not going to bring her back.... knowing that we cant help her.... but hoping that they can help her rest ... in peace.... and they said they cant help.... we took her .... bundled her and let her rest among nature.... with flowrrs around her..... a place for a tender flower to start blooming is where this little flower rests in peace.....

Times..

The times that u feel the loneliness are really the times that u are in need of people that truly love you...
The times that u feel the air still around u are the times that u truly need the music around u... The music that only u hear... From each step that u take... The beat of ur heart that gives u The divine rhythm for the dance of the flame within you....
The time when all u need is the wind howling enough to reach within the depth of your soul to awaken the sleeping demon within to exorcise the peaceful angel that prevails over u...
Times when the demon is better company than the angel on your shoulder...
Times that you'd rather laugh your way to glory and madness than the times that you cry your way into the deepest darkness crawling about.....
The times that you need soft hands to nurture your soul are the times your heart is held by claws that will not let go.... Those shrivelled hands... Those nails inches long digging deeper into the heart as It tries to beat...as that little fist sized being tries to infuse life into your lifeless soul....
All the while your mind plays its own games on ur being.... Existing while it doesn't exist.... Thinking when it doesn't think anymore .... Your eyes seeing beyond what they should be seeing ... Shadows taking unusual forms..... Forms that have never  existed before... Forms that resemble the hand that's squeezing the life that's left of u.....
And u don't know what to wish for anymore....
Heaven or hell... Coz without heaven there isn't any hell....
Unless u have seen both there's little a choice to make...
Without knowing one how will u know the other??
That my friend is the time...
The time that comes when u have to make a choice of where to live.....

Hold on..

Don't be afraid of a little pain coz pleasures on the other side.....

Two ends of a spectrum.... Always separated by a fine line ... Love and hate.... There are no grey areas..... I.difference u say? I say indifference is just an extreme of hate? Hate is just when u love something so much that u start detesting it.... Well then is there any hate in this world? Nope i don't think so.... Is there any pain? Its just the other end of pleasure... Is there a hurt? Its just the other end of help....
Thats onward way oflooking at it....
Another way?
Hate is the only thing that exist loves just at te other end .....
Theory proved by the countless movies produced i our lovely country ... So there's according to the Indian  cinemas perspective hate= deep forever love
No pleasure.... Pain always results in happiness....

Coming up next....

So.... I am horribly bored doing Wat  i am supposed t be here for.... Thts studying....
Was thinking .... That in itself Is a rarity i know... Was looking through sites just randomly and closed every tab that was open coz nothing caught my attention.... Just not interesting enough... Nothing enticing enough to lure me to read more than the first line....
And then it happened....
I stumbled across a yummy looking page that says 21 Bengali dishes that has just got to be tried...
#1 kachkolar kofta ... Yup that's Wat is on my mind
And that's wats coming up next....
Wait till i try it and let u know...
:-D

tombstone for English!