long weekend.... bye bye... hello long weekend!!!

last week, i took off... just like that... coz i didnt feel like being here... headed home... some tender loving care which turned out to be some tough luck cynicism from quarters which it was exactly expected from.... anyway, left home to head back to my lonely world when i realized i got a two day break again which i considered having two options... option one go home... aka my place on lonely planet and gimmeself some my definition of TLC... or head back where i came from and where i had left in a hurry to avoid their definition of TLC and face the same thing all over again.... well, the decision laid in the hands of the lady herself and she said get your arse back to getting the horrible not so preferable TLC... wel, i did go back... i had an escape... Temple run!!!
:P
not exactly a run... more of a temple trip...apparently theres this place called Uthamar Kovil!!! who wuddatot!!!! the temple itself is called the big mans temple!!! Lol! a quaint lil place, interesting to c it, coz it did not really look like a place that was built ages ago... which it was supposed to have been.... it so happened that the temple was built... went to ruins and those ruins were discovered by Chettiar! which chettiar? now, THAT i dont know... anyway Chettiar went asked for help with its restoration to the English folks who gave him just enough help to get the structure standing.no sculptures, no pretty colors, no big nandhi... just the beautiful lingam, on which they had eyes drawn which was so unusual! usually, our south indian temples dont have eyes drawn coz supposedly drawing the eyes will awaken the Lord?! so anyway that was the only thing that i remembered of this temple... possibly also that it reminded me of Samunarkoil... maybe i should revisit Samunarkoil..... hmmm... next trip in the making....

Vendum

Silai pol kannum,
Sirai pol nenjum....
Muthupol mozhiyum,
Virahulai mullaitha poo pol siripum,
Thendralai pol nadaiyum,
Ullam urugavekka alavil sinthanaigal kooda,
Varuval oruthi... theeyai polla... kaatzhai polla.... nizhal theriya devathai polla... nenjam parithu chella... varuval aval...

strings

 no strings to the place i was brought up in... no strings to the people i have spoken to all these years... i wonder what is happiness? is it the emotion? the feeling? the thoughts? or is it just society that tells us u are truely happy if.... if you have rolls of money.... with money happiness doesnt come so a car then? a car that needs u to drive it isnt pleasure they say... a driver now.... a car and a driver without a big house?? u must be crazy they claim.... so, a big house where the car is parked then.... but on the way of getting all this do we realise happiness is a fleeting emotion? which we cant let someone else tell us what makes us happy?
the connections, the strings are what pulls our lips upward whenever they get attached.

when sick the money the car the driver and the house arent gonna hold u.... those strings that pull your lips up in a curve are the ones that will hold you.... nurse you back... draw out the sun in your eyes and thats wat is true happiness.

fly low

when it is too late the rain falls, while i close my eyes my shoulders heave up to meet each drop that falls heavily. while the tears mix with the heavy droplets, the salt of the tears can still be tasted, the burning of the eyes still be felt.......

as i get drenched in the rain.... i wish to fly up and high... soar to heights that have never been seen... i want to feel the heat of the earth in a depth that has never been reached....

am i an eagle or a lizard...
only time will tell...

why not be both and ride the wave as you change from one to another?

Crazy.

I want to write... to jot it all down... but when i open the page... i go what did i want to write about? My minds blank... maybe i wanted to write that my minds blank?? But is it really blank?  Maybe it is... but when its blank thats when a million things run through my head. About what else is pending with assignment... about why my data connection sucks... about.... when i am gonna change my phone.... about, i dono..... y my mind feels blank though i am thinking all these things???
Is this what they call a flight of thoughts... where i cant complete one thought and i jump onto another that i think concerns more??? Is this whats crazy? Or is it just me?

as i walk....

last morning after deciding to head out for a long walk after the run which was interrupted by rains.... i looked around at the house... a mess... paper all over the place... unswept the last few days.... books scattered and thrown like socks that have been discarded.... i sighed and reminded myself... yet again.... how i should be cleaning the house up and how an unclean room indicates an unclean mind..... and kept telling myself how much i should be doing it... but i fail to convince myself... when heading out for a walk i spot a bag stuffed with clothes that i have been meaning to give away to any orphanage or any place where they might need clothes. not torn or tattered... but just the clothes that my now round shape fails to fit into.... i take that bag down, a bag which had small tears in places only seen to me... which therefore fated it into the to be discarded bag....  i take the over stuffed bag... head out for the walk that i needed to center myself with.... only on this day when i had to give away an armload of clothes dont i find anybody who used to leech onto my arm for alms... so i walk toward the temple and notice a community of beggars, the ones that have made a livelihood of it... u know the ones with a totally mobile home which can be collapsed within minutes and made a face that convinced us all that they were truly homeless?1 that kind... i was not feeling very generous with them... so i walked further.... and not too far away did i see a frail.... not completely grayed head that was bowed down toward the ground... the mud around her swarming with flies, while she covered hastily by a dull and faded pink cotton saree which was too old and torn in a few places was picking at her toes trying to get some dirt that she thought was the only thing that needed her attention.... hands so frail and fingers so thin that i could see the way her bones moved from a few feet away, her neck almost too weak to hold her head.... with no bundles around her showing she had anything for herself... i called out to her... once... twice.... i bent to touch her shoulder and suddenly she realizes i am calling to her and looks up, confused. not having the energy to articulate any words, her lips tremble.... as i hand the bag to her and say this bag has clothes take whatever u want and give away what u dont want.... she looks shocked, surprised, confused.... but never once overwhelmed.... i had my doubts if she understood what i was saying... but this was all i could do....
as i walked away.... i saw a lady, also among the organised community among the homeless walking aggressively toward that old woman with nits and ticks in her hair.... looking ready to snatch that good looking bag which was full to hoard everything herself. i could not help but feel bad. if i had looked back i would have seen. the old lady pushed to the ground, the bag snatched away and the clothes from the bag being strewn all over in search of something of varied interest, while the old woman went back to cleaning her toes while lying on the mud floor with flies still swarming around her... with no other care in the world but for her toes...

where?

where is life but at the tip of our nose.
where is happiness but at the end of our sight.
where is love but at the end of our hearts reach.
where is the flame but where there is damp wood.
where is the smoke without the fire.
why call out when you dont want to be reached.
why cry when you dont want to be consoled.
why laugh when you dont want to be heard.
why be told when all you want to do is tell....

A fool that i am...

The sun makes a fool of me.... early this morning as he rose.... the beauty of colors that filled the sky filled me with hope... with the beauty that life can be when the sun comes out....

As i step out for a run i feel the heavy tears of the skies and wait for them to abet.... as i am disappointed so is the one with me waiting to head out for a stroll as i turn back dejected, she looks up pleading with her eyes for the heavens to stop crying.... and in no time they listen to her and off we went... a walk now, a stroll now, a run now, a jog now.... all the while there i was thinking if i looked up at the heavens and plead for anything how does it not materialize as it did for the apple of my eye??? is it because her heart is pure and overflows with love for everyone?
as i think it, the sun shows his beautiful face with his uncharacteristic hesitation... from behind a cotton shell of a cloud... and there i see it.... a rainbow.... the first rainbow i have seen in the 28 years that i have breathed.... is it a sign?? a sign to say.... say what? that my little one is pure and all it takes for things to happen is her looking up with those chocolate colored, kohl lined eyes, a smile that i imagine and a spring in her step.....

yes it looks like a sign that among all the dark clouds there will appear a cotton shell like one and from that the sun will shine as always.... we just have to look for the rainbow which will surely be there....

my rainbow is yet to come... though i have seen it.