Sunday blues.

Sundays are looked at as a weekend. A day to be free. A day to chill. But ive read articles and i am a living example of a stacked up sunday. All week its work home cook eat sleep. Sundays. Wake up same as weekdays coz my girl needs her door opened. Clean house. Sweep. Mop. Clean kitchen. Wash vessels  cook. Clean up. Bathe her. Have a hot water bath- a luxury. Meaning manually heat yhe water. Wash clothes. Dry clothes. Fold clothes. If the suns still shining down then wash another load of clothes and put it out to dry. Feel tired. Sleep. Try study. Sleep. And then start with cooking again and finish up with cleaning after. Phew who says sundays are cool.

Sunday blues.

Sundays are looked at as a weekend. A day to be free. A day to chill. But ive read articles and i am a living example of a stacked up sunday. All week its work home cook eat sleep. Sundays. Wake up same as weekdays coz my girl needs her door opened. Clean house. Sweep. Mop. Clean kitchen. Wash vessels  cook. Clean up. Bathe her. Have a hot water bath- a luxury. Meaning manually heat yhe water. Wash clothes. Dry clothes. Fold clothes. If the suns still shining down then wash another load of clothes and put it out to dry. Feel tired. Sleep. Try study. Sleep. And then start with cooking again and finish up with cleaning after. Phew who says sundays are cool.

What words.

For this is what we do. Put one foot forward and then the other. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. feel. Add our little consequence to the tides of good and evil that flood and drain the world. Drag our shadowed crosses into the hope of another night. Push our brave hearts into the promise of a new day. With love; the passionate search for truth other than our own. With longing; the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on.

A woman.

There were a few memories which chose to visit me as a flash. Instances that flashed in front of me as vividly as it were happening right now. Made me recall all the emotions with such detail. I didnt picture the clothes the colors but i did relive. Even if it was for a few minutes i did.
The smiles. The odd soundling laugh. The dimple. The long fingers. The thin hair. The thick waist. All apart....
I cant but help but remember, the story of a ring.when i said u r under no compulsion to give me a ring.the ring that i had to pick up from the sands of marina beach after it was told to me if u dont pick it up or take it i dont care if any beggar does. The story of the ring.
The dinner chapter. On my bday. Unlimited meals and i was expected to thank him profusely for taking me out. Though i was dressed up thinking its my bday and ill b going to a special place.

The line on the its only money afterall.... when i said its a lotta investment i meant about the time. But i was told its only money afteral ill give it to u tomo and had a cheque thrown in my face. A blank signed cheque with the line take as much as u want to. The irony? I gave him everything he had.

The struggle not worth a para, i begged and spoke to so many people to get him a seat in one of the best management schools close to thecity so he could do well in management and b close to his folks. What do i get? Dont bull shit me. I know how the institute works. Theres noway u could have used influence or paid up to have gotten me in.  I gave the name. He says nope. Noone there by the name. U and ur frds are nothing but a truckload of liars.

Fun? The trip with one of the few close friends i had to a dilapitated fort near his college. Only to be asked what was it between me and him. Hed come too. What did he think was there?!

The cheapness. My frds. The road. 100yards from home. His bike. A lady in a misshapen kurta. She gets mistaken for me and i end up being guffawed at by my man in front of. On.

The rage. Thirty seconds. Barista. Scooty. A call. Rush to be back home. No explainations to my frd who wanted time.

The guilt. His mother. Brother. Father. Just replace one with the other. A phone. Tears. And u get the mix with me taking the guilt.

The thoughtlessness. Two kurthas. Eight months. Get the picture.

The drunkeness. A drink too many. Imagination aplenty. Women. Scenarios. Threats of death. Threats of being dead. Jokes on the love of mine-my profession. Jokes on the clothes i wear.

A few more down. The repulsive suggestions. The bile inducing thoughts. The retching, crying and curling.

The stench of burnt cloves. The never ending flicker of the laptop. The sleeping while sitting. The substitution of conversation with the laptop. The obsession with others. The care for his appearance. My shabby state.

The smell of sambhar, repulses me. The scene. Me hungry. All provisions there. Kitchen functional. No gas. Allegedly no cash. Staying hungry bcoz my man wud b hungry too. Wait. We will find a way out together. Sleeplessness bcoz of hunger. I toss and turn in bed. Start drifting to sleep. His hand hits the pillow next to me. Sambhar. Clearly. Hallucination? I check. No. It was. Me hungry. My man tummy full.

The straws i was trying to hold on to keep afloat couldnt take my weight when they got wet with the tears i shed when my nightmares came true. It could happen to others. Not to me! The sexting. The vivid descriptions on fb chats. Me stumbling on them. The fantasies described. My eyes wide. My heart still. My mind denying. My soul torn apart. Numb. Too numb to believe. Too naive to go back and confront. To confront and the explaination. to be said u told me do whatever u want just keep me informed. I wanted to tell u. I wud have eventually. But u fell sick. Forgiven. Clawing for dear life. Crying for my heart. Needing a shoulder. Not having one. Noone. Abandoned. In unfamiliar territory. In new environment. New family. New people.

Small. Undesired. Unwanted.untrusted. unloved. Repulsive. Helpless. Wrong. Always. Weak. Both hands behind my back trying to swim in the rough seas. Hopeless

Yes. I may be wrong yes i may be fat. Yes i may not cook as well as mom. Yes i may have weird taste in clothes. Yes i may like to go out. Yes. I have many friends. Yes i have a life. Atleast i did have before u destroyed whatever little self confidence my mother managed to build.

But whatever i may have. Whatever i dont have. I still am a woman and i still deserve to b treated right.

Is it december already?!!

I cant believe decembers here already. Realised when i had to sign and forgot the date. Sheesh. The most depressive month technically is here, though its one of tge montha that i enjoy the most. Especially being from mylapore. The maarghazhi pozhudhu bajanai, the kutcheris in the evenings and the yummy food in the sabhas. Sigh im missing the season this time. Am having olfactory hallucinations od decoction coffee already.

Pacifier attack!

I wanted to watch a movie. I got a good seat. Yeah i went alone. I like going to the movies alone... so? Am i not allowed peace!?? I walk into a restraunt i have kids screaming down my thoughts and drowning my mind voice sucessfully. All i end up hearing is their dubbing for their imaginary bikes and their mothers screaming their names asking them to eat. So i went to a movie. For peace. Some senseless random movie.
Got settled in my seat ahead of the movie. Seats nexy to me empty. My popcorn in hand. My drink in its holder. Ah! Bliss! I think. But the ads start rolling a lady in a gintaaaak yellow saree with a child snugly sitting balanced on her hip stood near me. I assumed ofcourse tht she was looking for her row. I was in the aisle corner as usual. So i graciously moved aside to make way for the lady to move through easily. And there the lady and child were sitting next to me. Yes. I looked at the mother, the child. Concluded that it was fair to say she had her child under control. The lights were still on. The child got restless. Thanks to the creator of saree blouses. Out came a stem. The side thts not completely covered by d saree. Then came the struggle of stuffing it into the childs mouth. Perfect cue for the child to push it away. All this under the bright theater seating lights while others wandered ard looking for their seats...i was so embarrased gave her my dupatta to cover herself while d child fed rather while she tried feeding. Suggesting she use the baby feeding cubicle down the corridor for whichthe husband says shell just keep asking. Looks at the child snd says drink up or ill drink and looks like the threat worked. This happened through the whole damn movie.
Cut to next day. Today. Got into an auto heading home. Auto guy picked up mom and a child from on the way. I let them in to keep the child from sitting in d corner and falling out. Again. Out came the nipple.
I mean. Comeon!
I dont mind kids. I pity the harried mothers.
But this is not ok. U cant just whip it out. I know its convienient. A good replacement for a pacifier. But dude!
All my sympathies are with u moms trying to juggle a lotta things but please for gods sake keep your breasts inside ur clothes and dont flash them all over the place!

Cant wait!

Late by fifteen mins when i was asked to b early by half hour. Stuck with a new prof who came across initially like the smiling buddha, who in the course of conversation turned out to remind me of blood sucking dracula who lures his victim with charm. Pulling words from our mouths and ripping us apart with what we voluntarily said. To entering the lunch hall uninvited bcoz my timmy was growling and having to stand and begin eating. While trying to b helpful to a fellow tamil got yelled at and shot evil looks by my mentor and temporary godess incarnate.... to using the system to print out materials that have to be reviewed and getting yelled at again. Y cant u get a laptop for urself y cant u download on ur phone. Why cant u do this. Why cant u do tht. Make me feel like a bloody dont have person. Wait until 4 to leave. Shit and damn. Horrible people around. Cant wait to get this over with!

The Itch

The thing about sitting to study. By study i do mean actually study and not read. Like i was saying when we actually get down to it, only then do we notice the table being untidy. So start with cleaning the table. Then the place around the table oh! It needs immediate attention. Then my god! The room is so dirty how wud i ever study in a room like this.... alright now that i have started with cleaning the room... might as well get down and clean the whole darn house! And finally sit and say... oops! Sorry too tired to study...
Is it just me....?? Or do books trigger the same reaction in everyone??

It didnt happen!

Now u say it didnt happen? Bcoz i agreed to make it easy for u???
And here u say dude if its not on paper it aint true.
What a bloke i tell u!

Count down begins... again...

I think im a night person.... no not for interesting things tht u can think of.... but to hit my books and begin my romance with the human body... well again... no not what u thinking.... its a subject... darn! The imagery.. and ive been stuck with the arse all day... no im not a behind person... well.. maaaaybe i am... but still it doesnt make it any more interesting.
Horrible.
Boring.
Painfully.
The thing is i picked up pace. With the studies tht is after sunset last eve. The whole day today was a waste. Though i sat in front of the book and kept staring at it and willing the pages to magically enter my cranial grey matter all i got stuck was with a grey mood. Nope. Again not all fifty shades.
Finally at dusk it began. Words began to make sense. Though it still was the same boring crap. I still got through the behind part of it all....
So yes i think i am an evening nope make tht a night person.
Got a week to go and i discover it now! **facepalm**
Off to turn pages again!

Phase of vengeful thinking

Initially, when i was accused of lying... i wanted to throw back the evidence that i had. The whole loadful. The pictres of him drinking. Smoking up. Smoking. The sex chats. I had wished i had recorded his fantasising about every woman he had met. All his confessions of straying. Before the engagement. After. Everything. When his mother was shown as an example of how to be. I wanted to ask and be verbal about question if the straying from her marriage is the example that is wat must b followed by me. The impact of tht incident which has affected the fil so much he quit his job and stayed at home ever since. The impact going down to the children who dont trust their wives to have platonic relationships with other men. Do u want me to b like tht woman i wanted to ask. But my silence gave space for them to keep talking and show their true colors.
My shock.
Then a phase of disbelief.
I went through days numb. Unbelieving. Unseeing what was happening around me.
I still sat through all that.
Finally when the day came. The night i walked d roads alone. No money no phone in hand.
I was in denial. This couldnt happen to me. To others yeah! Sure! But not to me! Well like cold water unloaded on my sleeping face. I did wake up.
After tht i wanted vengence. I wanted life to be fair.
I wanted justice.
I wanted ppl to believe.
I wanted ppl to c him as he was.is.
Slowly i sank into picking up pieces of my life while in my heart i was still yearning for justice.
Now, 2 years after.... i have learnt. There have been ppl holding my hand through it. Ppl i will b indebted to for life.
Now i know. I will move. I will grow. I will be the person i wanted to be. Help people. Do things i want to do. Wear good clothes that i was deprived of.
The punya of their last life is protecting them in this life. My karma of my previous life is catching up with me.
I know.
What i sow i will reap. My next birth will b pure.
I am now declaring. I see myself as a strong independent. Caring induvidual who makes a difference in this world. A big difference someday. Will b blessed by a million souls. Will b missed by a few genuinely.

A beautiful song.

Fluttering wings
     Battered feathers
And a leisurely glide over Infinite sky
Furious floods pouring down the Heaven
     Smashing on mountain rocks
lucid water culminating in vast seas
withering leaves
    baring bony twigs in air
Sparkling red green tender leaves
     shining in morning sun
Incessant thoughts
endless random interconnections
and the kid wakes up from restful sleep.

                                         -V
                             03-november-2014

B d change.

From water we come, into the water our ashes are scattered. . .
What we do inbetween is only a punctuation in our eternal life.
Rebirth recreation of our fine form is the dharma of human existance .
While our gross form withers away to be shed. The actions we accumulate good or bad will meet us, somewhere, soon.

The learner, the stage that i will be in the next six years supreme power willing.
The family chapter that is being closed.
The retired chapter that i find difficult to look at now which my parents have eased into.
The samyaasin who will always be a part of my soul.

The four stages that we are meant to go through.... in the short span given to us on this worldly place. All four that need to be experienced. Each leaving a mark on the senses indelibly which our fine inner being looks forward to when a new start is being made.
Makes sense to me now. It didnt a year back. But the mind that has been awakened recently has gotten present to the fact that we reap what we sow is a very long term. We sow now. We reap in our rebirth. Maybe. Maybe not. But what does matter is the belief in it all.
The maanushya dharma will prevail in my mind.
At some point i have started believing.  Its now that the belief will start percolating into the depth of my awareness.
I know change is emminent.
I would rather b the change i want to see than b the Indian who cribs about how others need to change....

Old wine, new bottle.

Nothing new, nothing unseen.
Whats happening now, has happened before...
What will happen for years to come is happening now...
Nothing unseen.
Nothing unheard.
The ways, the paths are but new when the end is nothing but the same....

The drafting...

So i had to do this someday.... tot it wud b later than now. But fate and time have other plans..... it had to be now and not later.... its hard to say goodbye with a finality. Though there was no hope of things getting back on track..... i just thought time heals and after my scars heal i cud take the next cut with ease. Anyway. Sent. Next for the signed and sealed signal. In a few months. By then i hope to not cry me a river....

X files part one of the many

So, i had gone to attend the one who must not b mentioned to me's grans post death paying respect thingy that is the politically right thing to do... whats politics in death ryt??? But us humans end up attaching importance to tht also.... so i went with a plaster on my wrist bcoz of an injection tht i had to endure. Did all the right things. Made the right moves. Spoke to the grieving family. Though my soon to b ex mil was the first daughter the second daughter was the one to take care of tht soul from the word go till the very end..... so the wake was held in the second daughters place... where i went with my mother.... acknowledged by the second daughters husband a forty odd year old man, smart, sharp, who was told tht the remains were not yet seen as the ones we were related to by marriage hadnt acknowledged us.... this prompted him to call the x to guide us in to pay our last respects. Which was done impeccably. All words spoken i left the room. Waiting for my mother to come away and get done with consoling my wicked scheming mil...
While waiting i sneaked a glance at the man tht had broken my heart, which even after two years im still trying to piece back together.... and got caught at it by him. He came out walked toward me. Looked like he had lost weight. The huge butt wasnt so huge. The waddle i knew so familiarly wasnt a waddle anymore.... there he was standing facing me. New facial hair. The way i used to tell him suited him. With distinguishing greys scattered. Kind eyes. Asked me what was wrong and asked me abt the bandaid on my wrist and asked if all was alright.... all the while thinking if u had cared so much would you have kicked me outta the house? Told him nothing. I searched his eyes for answers to questions only i knew were raging within me.... which i will take to my grave.... and my mom an angel in disguise came and tht was my cue to leave. I said bye and said sorry for your loss and held his hand a second. He didnt let go. On my way out the mil says S before u leave and gestures for a hug. Yes i did hug her. Y?  Bcoz she was catering to an audience and i helped her. She says y dont u eat and go. Ha bloody ha.... a woman who didnt feed me on good days offers food to me in the wake of her mother.....
The mother and son came to see the mother and daughter leave.... when i said u shouldnt see anyone off in a house that mourns he says oh! I didnt know and softly he added, i couldnt help it....
What couldnt u help??? The death? Of the old lady or the marriage?  Was the good bye tht i said meant for me? For him? For the love? For the relationship? For the years lost? For the dreams lost? For the kids never had???
As i looked back to wave i didnt see either, the mother or the son.....
And my heart breaks once more....

X files

I am here listening to the glory days of a less than a year married couple.... not that im not happy for them.... but listening to him talking abt sharing work at home... cooking with her.... makes me think... i was definitely not being unreasonable! Helping me carry the groceries to 'our' home... nope absolutely not.... asking to help monitor d cooker... nope.... asking to put ones own laundry away nope.....
Finally i just noticed when i stopped washing his clothes and did only mine.... there just was a matter of fact acceptance.... there wasnt ok this is passive aggression so obviously theres something wrong lets talk it out... there was just ok ill wash my own clothes you wash yours.... finally when a month after he kicked me out he asked me to come back coz there was no one to look after him, cook for him and wash clothes.. thts when i realised my presence being equated to tht of a maid with benefits.....
Sigh....
Y couldnt you have helped with carrying the damn groceries in the first place!!!

Day#3

I am to get a gratitude rock / pebble..... not got it... will find it soon... so todays blessing counting of yesterday....
1 sc for putting up with me bein late
2 students for listening to me
3 medicines for making me feel better
4 attender for giving me my water and a beautiful flower out of the blue
5  my hod for her care and concern
6 ashu for getting back in touch with me
7 my mom for sharig jokes about a ghar jamaai
8 krish for taking timebout and listening to me when i said i was feeling off for no reason
9 tsr for the music i listen to everyday to soothe myself
10 lil ms. B for jumping all over d place even if i am away for just 5 mins.
Thank you thank you thank you

Day #2 the magic

So i have been told to take up 3 relationships tht i value... i should ideally take up 5 so i am gonna do just that...
I am to take pictures of the person look at it for 5 mins and make a list of five things i am greatful for with each...
First ,
Thank you mom , for being the embodiment of strength , for being my rock , for being the person i run to first if anything comes my way, for teaching me all i know and for putting me through college.
Thank you my lil one, for being the best sister i know of, for laughing with me and for crying for me, for letting me help u when u needed me, for growing up with my tantrums, for showing me how to see the good in people.
Thank you V, for being the best friend i was looking for, for being the shoulder for me to cry on, for believing in me when i didnt myself, for making me laugh at things i would otherwise cry about, for teaching me that anger is not the way to handle my hurt.
Thank you kvg, for being an unquestioning friend, for voicing your opinions, for being my sounding board, for all the times in the beach and the mollaga bajjis with not a word shared, for the love of coffee and music u have unknowingly trasferred.
Thank you, my kutties, mr. Odie and lil msB for showing me love, for showing me u care, for teaching me to forget the hurt and to look forward to each day with no trace of the past.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Th secret day #1

I am blessed to have my mother. Thank u thank you thank u.

I am grateful for my frds kvg. V. Sol.thank you thank you thank you.

I am grateful to be alive. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to be studying what i want. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am lucky to have good clothes to wear. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have enuf money. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am happy to be able to walk 5kms without pain. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am thankful to my attender for filling water in a bottle everyday for me to use. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have good health. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have the love of two little ones unconditionally. Odie and bhairavi. Thank you thank you thank you.

Th secret day #1

I am blessed to have my mother. Thank u thank you thank u.

I am grateful for my frds kvg. V. Sol.thank you thank you thank you.

I am grateful to be alive. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to be studying what i want. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am lucky to have good clothes to wear. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have enuf money. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am happy to be able to walk 5kms without pain. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am thankful to my attender for filling water in a bottle everyday for me to use. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have good health. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am blessed to have the love of two little ones unconditionally. Odie and bhairavi. Thank you thank you thank you.

The last of the 'true love' Twenties....

So i just am getting done with the twenties.... i used to call it true love twenties.... i had a list... still do... of all the things i would truly love doing by the terrible thirties....

Lets cross them off shall we?

Road trip - check.
Head to a hill station - check.
Enter my pg - check.
Loose weight look hot - check (for 3months is all i could hold it in!)
Tattoo - check.
Erase a tattoo - check.
Get another tattoo - check.
Have a whole crowded noisy bday - check!
Have a quiet solitary bday - check.
Wear a mini skirt  -  check.
Learn to cook - check.
Bake a cake - check.
Fall in love - check.
Trip to shiridi - check.

Now to get to the part that i havent gotten even close to

Bungee jump
Visit the andhamans and seychelles
Go on an euro trip
Learn a new language
Learn an instrument
Look and act brilliant (doubt if id ever get there!)

Tht it????

Here i was thinking my list was a long one.... maybe my memory is failing me.....
Growing old you see....

**cheers to me!**
To a year full of freedom , love, filled with music and feeling terrific!