I wonder where
I wonder how
I wonder what
I just wonder
If the sky comes crashing down
Will i still be around with tears in my eyes
Or will i leave the pieces behind and start....
Again...

There was a flower
With three petals
Dew drops drying up
Fading slowly but surely
At the last of its life it still gives its beautiful immeasurable fragrance
Maybe that is how every thing is in this realm of our reality....
Only we dont notice the fire burning a little brighter before it dies.....

The ocean

Do you know what love is
Do you know its depth
Do you know it doesnt hurt

Why make things so deep
When all you need is the pond that relects your form
When you cant take the waves that come with the sea
The ocean is calm too
But why take the pond
Is it because the pond has lotuses in full bloom
Or is it because the ocean can be reached only through a vessel where you are confined most of the times....
Is it that the pond allows you to wade in and out when ever you choose
And the ocean is a long time to take off the clock of your existance
Is it because you would rather look at those beautiful blossoms than up at the sky across the endless ocean to see the beautiful sunset with seagulls gliding across and cutting through the beauty that the ocean will be...

Glittering diamonds on the window pane, the beauty of a single drop on the emerald green swaying in the light breeze,
The fragrance of the pristine white on a stem of deep orange...
Ah! The rains here!

Maanga inji oorgai

250 g of mango ginger. Peeled. Cut into thin medallions.
Goose berry sized tamarind soaked and strained.
2 tsp salt
2 tsp chilli powder
Jagerry optional
2 tsp fenugreek - vendayam dry roasted powdered.
4 tsp gingeli oil
2 tsp mustard
1/2 tsp of hing asfoetida
Step 1
Boil mangoginger slices in tamarind water for ten mins
Add salt chilli powder and jaggery boil for another 3-5 mins.
Take off flame.
Step 2
Add the powdered fenugreek.
Step 3
Heat oil add mustard let it splutter turn off flame add asfoetida
Step 4
Pour oil with mustard and asfoetida on the pickled mango ginger.
Mix well
Store.

Split

Everyone has a split....
At times i look in the mirror to see

A sign

A dream was seen. It felt like a prophecy.
As i awoke a feeling of dread filled my heart.
My eyes were wary of everything i saw.
Then, it happened. Just as i saw it would.
Deja vu.
The colors seemed brighter. The voices sharper.
The faces clearer.
It began unravelling.
The huge picture that the universe has already painted for me began to show itself in pieces. But the patterns were clear enough for me to ignore.
The signs for me to see.

The lady herself

The colors of the sunset
As the night falls
Land enveloped in the spell of the swell
Like a diamond
Hidden from the eyes of her love
Midst of her dark flowing tresses
The stars that glitter on her nose
The pearls that peek out between her two lips
The beauty
Ah the beauty!
The silken voice
Lullabys sung from deep in her throat
The rise and ebb of the tidal waves
The rivers that flow in the midst....
The promise in her eyes alone
Will do me in!
Ah the beauty!

A laugh
A whine
A whisker that smells of chocolate
Chocolate savoured
The day passed
With noone coming through those doors
With no crabs out of their holes
I sit looking at the ceiling
The day passed
I thought of what i could do
The day passed
I thought of the possibilities
The day passed...

Soulless soul
Meaningless days
Listless look
Toes painting patterns
Untold stories
Unheard music
All goes by
As i await
My day to come
And it has
So it will be

Cloudless skies
Soundless wind
Wings soaring by
Cries fill the air
Earth burning dry
Water flowing by....

A leaf withers
Away it flies
On a whim of the wind
On a breeze of the skies
The silence is broken
By an pipe broken
Water drips
Endlessly unheard
The leaf floats away
Unseen
Unheard

The darkness sets,
A ray shines through.
The silence sets,
A note rings through...
Feeling blue...
Feeling new...

Bhaigan bartha

So.... ever since i began adopting the sattvik diet i thought there was just too many restrictions on  the food i could make...
I get the raised eyebrows with disbelief about how in the world can we make anything without onions or garlic....
Well.... i walked by the aisle of the market and sae these lovely looking eggplants... and thought wistfully how i could have bhaigan bartha no more....
I remember my mother used to roast it on the fire mash it add onions tomatoes and curd with a pinch of salt . .. i missed having that taste of smoked egg plant...
I thought to myself... let me try it without onions.... i went ahead and bought them....
This is my recipe for a no onion no garlic smoked eggplant as a subji....

Eggplant -1 large
Tomato -4 medium . Dice.
Green chilly -1 or 2. Slit lengthwise.
Mustard, jeera, urad dhal and dry red chillies to season.
Salt to taste.
One tsp oil.

Roast the eggplant directly on fire. Keep turning it until skin turns black and splits. The water will bubble to top and start sizzling. Dont panic :)
Keep turning it on fire until it has shrunk atleast 1/4th....
Allow the roasted eggplant to cool. Peel the burnt skin. Cut the eggplant to squares.

Heat a kadai.
Add a spoon of oil. Thil oil (gingelly oil) would enhance this dish.
Add mustard till it splutters. Switch to low flame. add jeera, urad dhal and red chillies saute add green chilly split lengthwise.
Add tomatoes and the cut eggplant. Keep stirring. While stirring mash the eggplant.
Allow to simmer on low flame for five mins.
Do not add water to maintain a semi thick consistency.
Serve with rice or rotis.
It works well with both.... :)

Green chilli pickle with gravy

Total cook time 20 minutes.
Cut green chillies after removing stem.
Heat a cup of gingelly oil in kadai. Add the chilli pieces.
Keep in low flame. Let it boil.
Meanwhile roast vendeiyam til brown. Thalikkafy mustard. Grind it with perungayam salt and a few red chillies.
add the powder to the boiling chillies in kadai mix well.
Add a cup of gingelly oil.
Allow it to boil for another five mins. If needed add jaggery.
Switch off flame.
Cool the pickle in kadai.
Store in a dry container.

Pulaiyyaar chathurthi!
Yummy kozhakattais... the lovely thin delicate white coat with this lovely sweet coconut filling.... how i miss being at home now...
It is a pretty simple thing to make... its just itll be great when weve got someone else to make it for us...

I want kozhakattais!!!!
My paatis sweet ones and Rama chittis salted ones....
I miss being at home.... one of the rare times....

Chole without onion or garlic

Since my no onion no garlic days started ive stuck to the easy and standard sambhar rasam and boiled vegetables...
A couple of days back i discovered an unopened box of chole- chick peas....
And ever since i wanted to have it. But the only way i knew how was to make sundal and tht wasnt appealing enough for me...
I tried my version of the punjabi dish in a satvik way...
I made it not based out of any receipe book but out of the hell lets try it way.. 

My way:)

Whats needed

Overnight soaked chickpeas -  pressure cooked with turmeric and salt.
diced ginger.
Two Cut green chillies.
Three diced tomatoes and three sliced potatoes.
Garam masala teo spoons and a touch of oil.

To make the chole:

Heat oil in pan
Saute ginger and green chillies
Add sliced potatoe. Cover and let cook.
Add tomatoes and two spoons of garam masala. Mix. Cover.
Wait for five mins.
Add cooked chole.
Mix.
If you want more gravy add the water which the chole was cooked in.
Cover. Let it cook.
Serve :)
I didnt garnish. But the touch of color would be nice.

You make me feel...
Like nutella melting in my mouth
Like the sun shining through the clouds
Into my eyes
Like my favorite pyjamas

You make me warm as my favorite quilt
You make me feel like...
Bubbles floating in the sun
Yellowed pages of a book
Sand under my toes
Wind in my face

Hot coffee on a rainy day

You make me...

me....

You are my annies song.

You are the sun rays to my little twig of green on a dry stem

Like the harmonies of chaurasias flute
To my beating heart that echoes with the sound of waves breaking on the shores

Feel like me...

I could if i wanted...
To write poetry like rafi

I could if i wanted wax like the moon about the good
And wane about the flaws

I could write if i wanted like great writers....

But it will be injustice

I tell you my dream...
I ask you to help...
I ask for help from none...
Yet... i asked you...
I shared my dream....
I gave the numbers... the contact.... i gave everything i knew....

I guess it wasny enough....

Share my dream with you....
Now it feels like ive shared it with everyone... even people who know not i exist.....

Long back... ages gone by i kept my dream hidden from another.... for the fear of being mocked. For the fear of being discussed.....

That shell seemed to keep my heart soft....
Its time for me to go back into the shell i began crawling out off... looks like.

I awake from a weird dream.... a friend ive lost touch with over two years now has asked another friend who i havent spoken to since her wedding in 2012 to find out if im ok.... how weird is tht?!
I awake to a wet nose and hazel brown kohl lined eyes... at 530! She must have an internal clock i think.... i potter around the house.... three hours later i dont really feel like leaving...
I feel exhausted just thinking of  allowing to be manipulated. Just thinking the whole sunday... a whole 24 hours where i didnt touch this pillow sized book... and i dont feel upto going to college because i think i wont be ablt to study... its weird. I didnt have anything to blame yesterdays waste of tge whole day... now who will i blame it on?!

The search begins

The house hunt begins. Ive never looked for a place by myself. The scary house in the dark alleys behind iitm during my desperate need a roof over my head days not counting... my super mom has always done the house hunt for me...
Off i went... on foot. Covering god knows how many flats coz i sure dont. No luck. Spoke to many a iron wallah. Asked many a watchman... promised by a few to get back if i remember to come back the next day with a positive response.... the catch being after i stepped out of a complex i sure as hell couldnt remember how i got there leave alone find my way back to them the next day.
The second day i borrowed a motorcycle. A pink. Yes. Pink! Vespa.... didnt look at the road i was riding it on. Kept looking at the skyline and everytime i saw a block above two storeys i detoured. Went asked the watchman whod give me a once over and shoo me away like those door to door salesmen.....
The next day i really got into it... i targetted an apt.... stood in front of the gate. Took a minute. Scanned the verandahs.... if there were any without clothes hanging out to dry... id walk purposefully and say theres an apt here for rent i was told... and a few saw through the farce... a few fell for it...
See... i told u!
I really did get into the house hunt mode!
I got smart after two days... :)
But i didnt get any in the pocket friendly range...
Sigh...
So day three began....
And tadaaaaa!
I entered a second floor two bhk loved it. It was airy. It was positive....
I was in the desperate i love it ill take it mode....
My happy bubble was burst when i met the owner.... ok... owners father at.... the apt just above mine....

Sigh....

Next i say!

Not a drop to drink

There was water. Everywhere. On the roads stagnating because my neighbours thought that the cement in their part of the pavement needed it for hydration.
The other neighbours needed the tank to tell them my tummys full please turn off the switch.
While the people downstairs hoarded it like it was what they would pass on as hereditary inherited wealth.
While the lil ones actually reasonably well fed streeties had parched throats and were resorting to drink off the open sewers....
I had to measure... drop by drop how much i used. I carried twelve cans.... yup... twelve everyday... up a narrow flight of steps  it felt like i was climbing uphill on a prayer....
One day went by... i could see water flowing from taps in excess and pooling up on the floor. Everywhere but in my house. I told myself. Mirage.
then two days went by.. then a few more... until i mastered the art of holding off using the loo until i reached college. I drank less water. And i lost track of how many days went by... i kept clutching at straws... waited for the landlord to work magic. He turned out to be a shrivelled old man... human afterall... no magic there.
Waited...
Waited for the grumpy old man to just look and stare and will the motor to work...
No scary looks....
Waited....
Finally... began house hunting....
I dont like change. Neither does my lil one. I keep saying she will find it difficult to adapt when in essence i probably am the one who will have a difficult time.

"Today Has Been OK"

Friends tell me it's spring
My window show the same
Without you here the seasons pass me by
I know you were not new
That loved like me and you
All the same I miss you
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

The preacher lost his son
He's known by all in town
He found him with another son of God
Feeding on the prayer
Nevermind what God said
But love had lost its cause
And I thought today had been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

Wind has burned your skin
The lovely air so thin
The salty water's underneath your feet
No one's gone in vain
Here is where you'll stay
'Cause life has been insane but
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok

Emiliana torreni

What can i say

"What Can I Say"

Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say

Try to burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
Seems no matter how hard I try
Feels like there's something just missing inside

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say

How many rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say
Bandi carlile!

Get set go...

Wait, wait for the dawn my dear
Wait till the sun gets here
And you will wait too long he will be gone
Wait, wait till the sun shines through
Wait till the sky is blue
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

Wait, wait till the signs are right
Wait till the perfect time
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

La la la la la...

Wait till you don't doubt no more
Wait till you know for sure
And you will wait too long he will be gone now......

There was once an old man....

There was once an old man...
A gentleman who helped break open my lock whe i lost my keys and he saw me working on my lock in the night with a hacksaw to cut open the sturdy and stubborn lock.
The same old man who told me u were gone a week and i watched ur house for you.
Everyday i would wake up to the sound of racking cough. I would sit at my table in the evening looking out my window trying to study when the smell of cigarette smoke would reach me and i would shut the windows tight....
The man that i got used to seeing when i normally turn to say ill be back to my lil girl sitting within five feet of her  smiling at me and watching me leave the house.... the same two pairs of eyes watching me walk in through the alley to my house....
The man who joined his daughter while she was trying to scream me down....
The man who jumped over a compound wall just to make sure i was ok and not freaked out abt finding what i tot was snake eggs....
There was once an old man....
An old man whose name i never knew....
There was once an old man....
A man i once knew....
Rest in peace thathaiyya.

She walked out quietly....
Walked out with no looking back....
She walked quietly so no one finds her...

Nothing can bring me peace....
Change my grief to grace...

I swear by Apollo the physician, and Aesculapius the surgeon, likewise Hygeia and Panacea, and call all the gods and goddesses to witness, that I will observe and keep this underwritten oath, to the utmost of my power and judgment.

I will reverence my master who taught me the art. Equally with my parents, will I allow him things necessary for his support, and will consider his sons as brothers. I will teach them my art without reward or agreement; and I will impart all my acquirement, instructions, and whatever I know, to my master's children, as to my own; and likewise to all my pupils, who shall bind and tie themselves by a professional oath, but to none else.

With regard to healing the sick, I will devise and order for them the best diet, according to my judgment and means; and I will take care that they suffer no hurt or damage.

Nor shall any man's entreaty prevail upon me to administer poison to anyone; neither will I counsel any man to do so. Moreover, I will give no sort of medicine to any pregnant woman, with a view to destroy the child.

Further, I will comport myself and use my knowledge in a godly manner.

I will not cut for the stone, but will commit that affair entirely to the surgeons.

Whatsoever house I may enter, my visit shall be for the convenience and advantage of the patient; and I will willingly refrain from doing any injury or wrong from falsehood, and (in an especial manner) from acts of an amorous nature, whatever may be the rank of those who it may be my duty to cure, whether mistress or servant, bond or free.

Whatever, in the course of my practice, I may see or hear (even when not invited), whatever I may happen to obtain knowledge of, if it be not proper to repeat it, I will keep sacred and secret within my own breast.

If I faithfully observe this oath, may I thrive and prosper in my fortune and profession, and live in the estimation of posterity; or on breach thereof, may the reverse be my fate!

Today makes it three weeks that i cant turn my neck with out pain. It was pretty bad. Bad enough that i used to lift my head off the pillow first manually so i steady it without jerks to my neck. Now though, i am able to get to my feet without help. Sharp pain in mornings which dulls out through the day and returns when i lie down.
All through i feel so stressed.
I just started studying, like actually sit read study and write kind of studying.
Now this.
My kutty is turning 25 in a few days.
My lil one is turning 3... or is it four???
Sigh
The days are just running by and ive lost track of what day it is....
I have temporarily stopped cutting off the dates on my calenday daily....
I am in that space...
The space where everything just blurs....

Mad

I think madness just runs in... this college?
This dept?
This city?
This state?
I dont really know....
But i do know this.
If i dont get out soon I will go stark mad. This i know.
For sure.

Last sunset

I was walking down the road... heading to this small road corner tea shop that i normally go to for my daily newspaper. I try putting up with the boring The Hindu only for the fact that it gets the exam notifications the first. Though i have to put up with all the sentence errors and the data errors. It is in a way amusing to read their corrections column. It takes up a fourth of a page. A national newspaper. With one fourth of a page just for corrections.
Anyway, i divert.
So. I was walking to that tiny shop. The guy who handed me the paper wasnt there. Another guy who normally makes the veg crispies handed me my days copy with a knowing smile and a once over.
I thought it was because he had no interaction with me.
So as i headed to my clinic the next day i made my pit stop for the paper and my regular guy was back. But, what was also back was the knowing look and a leer.
It happened again. And again. And the next day. The day after that.
It makes me feel violated.
But hey Its India right?!! Even rapists have right to life so what can i say about this?
I need to recalibrate my head to not give off warning signals everytime i get a lewd look. Because apparently looking is not a crime. It doesnt matter how you look or where you do.

I dont ask you to respect me for being a doctor. A single woman. A human being.
But for god sakes!
Dont ruin my day by giving me that look!
I could change my newspaper point.
I think thats what i will do.
Yes.
I will keep avoiding shops manned by men.
Until India gets safer.
Until Indian men grow up.
Until i recline in my chair and watch my last sunset i guess.

Even a man who is happy.
Will glimpse a shadow.
the sound of fine hair touches him.
He must recognise the shadows.
May be he Will remember blurry outlines from a place far away.
Out of reach.

In a way that the print of each that he recognises is still there.... in his heart which brims with joy at every memory

Memories that all but wait to be teased to the surface.

My old lil girl

My lil one turns a year older soon. Coz i dont really know her birth day... thought ill just celebrate her birth week....
And since im not sure of that either....
Yipeee its her birth month in a few days....
:)
Until then....
My rattie faced lil one

Love affair

So here i am. In front of my book. Browsing on the internet for something interesting to read. Ending up reading the daily news. But the clocks ticking. Sigh. Me. My love affair with my books need to continue. Only this time the books have annoying stuff in them thts so not interesting.

Foggy

Time is running fast.
I take a pause.
Look behind,  i see days months years gone by
I look ahead.... squint to see the days ahead...
The fog is blocking my vision.
The uncertainty forming a dense curtain over my senses
Slowly i begin seeing a golden trophy...
Shining in the distance...
I trudge along the lines drawn and keep my eyes fixed on the road for focus....
As my journey begins...

Funny thing fate

Last year i blew up. Like literally.
Questioned the ladys authority and judgement and had to apologise to appease....
Funny thing is... the lady...? Shes the queen now.
Funny thing fate....
Pointing his finger at me and laughing his head off....
I get it.
R.i.p the next 8 months of peace.

Falling in love

The thing about love is.... its over rated.... why do tge call it falling in love.... why not flying in love... floating in love.... lying in love....
Why fall?

Because some brilliant person realised.... in love you take a fall.
A fall so deep and scary that it equates to falling into your own grave....
When u fall u fall face down so digging through and crawling out is absolutely ruled out... if u dig... u just tend to get buried deeper.
Falling in love.
**guffawing**

The end.

A chapter ended.
Shunned and avoided as i sat among the herd of wronged.
A few were amongst us that cried foul.
Most just wanting to get away.
Most just wanting to move on.
A few with tears... of sadness.
Of times goneby.
Of loneliness that has engulfed them noone speaks.
No one hears any cry of the soul.
As the papers are shuffled.
As the files are thrown.
Discarded.
To rot among the many others before and to welcome as breathen many others who will enter this foul place.
The stench of death.
The smell of sweat.
The release of clutches that held for too long.
The pale skin.
The dazed eyes.

A word i need he said. I cringed and refused.
A laugh followed as i was told it was addressed to another.
Relief flooded me as i was released from my personal hell.

As i walked out of that dingy room.
That room i wouldnot wish anyone to enter.
I smelt the mud on the path.
Felt the sun sting my skin.
As i walked to paradise...
I heard every sound.
Every word.
Saw every color.
I soaked in....
As i drank the sweet nectar my taste buds came alive....
And my lips danced with joy...as my eyes weeped along with my soul.
One last time.
Never again.

Dislike. Detest.

Annoying as people are we are a a herd folk... we always look to others for acceptance... to society to tell us whats right whats wrong... to all thats written to imbibe into ourselves to fit into the strait jacket that is forced upon us with a smile.
Why is that?
Why cant we just follow cuba....
Cuba...
Cradle to grave.
With colors.
With vibrance.

Tequila.

I have an ego.
But so does every one else do they not....
When experiences with a certain someone sours the taste of trust... the taste needs to be altered with a shot of tequila lime... and a pinch o salt... ;)

Everywhere you go... that pinch of salt always adds flavor to any palette...

So long as i dont give up on salt on my food i will be ok... as long as the salt comes with a shot... :D

Izna.... the light.... what a beautiful name.....

Its all you...

All the smart arse lines...
All the dumbness.....
All the doubts..
All the questions....
All the spine....
All the enigmatic smiles..
The grins...
The giggles...
The tears of joy... of pain...
All the unbelievable situations....
The childish delight...
Each of them...
Every one of them..
The beginning...
And the end of all of it....
Its all ... you....

:)

Dear....

Still.

Wow my blog seems depressing!
Its all about exams which i am not studying for and deep dark thoughts....
So....
Lets try and keep it light...
I am still not studying...
:p

Await...

The book awaits... as the tip of my pen lingers....
The hand awaits for signal from my head...
My head awaits for for heart to say go on....
The phone rings and the caller asks for me...
I say... yes... go on....

The forest is sighted
Trees twice as long as spears are looked upto...
The moutains have buried their heads among the clouds....
While the birds sing... the clouds plot to pour their bounty somewhere.

This song makes me wanna sing ;)

Ethu kari raavilum
Oru cheru kasavizha thunnum kiraname
Eehridaya vaathilin pazhuthilumozhuki varoo
Arikile puthu mandhaaramay vidaru nee
Punaruvaan kothi thonnunoree pulariyil
Angengo nin pon peeli minnunnuvoo
Athilonnente nenjoram eyyunnuvo
Unarnnu njaan
Ethu kari raavilum
Oru cheru kasavizha thunnum kiraname
Eehridaya vaathilin pazhuthilumozhuki varoo
Neeyam aathmaavin sankalpaminningane
Mindaathe mindunnathento
Orkkathirunnappol ennullil nee vannu
Thiraseela maatumorma pole sakhi
Oru naalamay poothulanju nee ninnenthino
Arikile puthu mandaaramay vidaru nee
Punaruvan kothi thonnunoree pulariyil
Njanaa ekaantha sangeethaminnangane
Manveena thedunna neram
Paadaatha paattinte then thulli nee thannu
Thelineela vaanil ekathaaramaay sakhi
Oruraavil doore ninnu nokki nee enne
Oh ethu kari raavilum
Oru cheru kasavizha thunnum kiraname
Eehridaya vaathilin pazhuthilumozhuki varoo
Arikile puthu mandhaaramay vidaru nee
Punaruvaan kothi thonnunoree pulariyil
Angengo nin pon peeli minnunnuvoo
Athilonnente nenjoram eyyunnuvo
Unarnnu njaan

Rightie or leftie.....

Over the last few days... ive been feeling my hand go to sleep. Almost always my right hand. Never listens to what my mind asks oc it. The wrist flaps. The fingers hardly move... i can turn it around... but cant pick up things or scratch my nose....
Its scary... but not scary enough to get me running...
Maybe i ll loose the dexterity.... maybe i should go back to being a leftie. But i hardly remember hiw to hold my pen with my left hand... how would i be able to do other things????

Theres always light at the end of a tunnel i just hope i find it.

Clouded hope

As i came home.... walking in the scorching midday sun.... my brows drenched in sweat.... droplets threatening to blind me with their sting.... the earth was cracked.... suddenly, the sun was covered with dark clouds.... i kept walking... my head throbbing.... my feet moving of their own accord... everyone i passed by were looking up... toward heaven as if requesting... pleading for a few drops to fall and to drench them in tears of heaven rather than their own sweat for once.... the pets of the street tick infested... panting with sweat dripping down their black button noses stopped the itching... their ears perked up... a dull thumping wag looked up seemingly at the dark clouds.... wondering where they would go when it rains....
As sudden as it came... the clouds... the hope disappeared.... for all of us to be burnt by the sun once again... with renewed vigor as if to say... dont you dare dream you!

It seemed the parched earth heaved a sigh of disappointment... as did the button noses... my steps hastened to reach home...
Come rain or sun...
Home is truly where the heart is.

Muffled footsteps

The road looks deserted.
The walk is long.
The path tedious.
The rocks sharp.
As the sun falls...
As the moon rises...
Shadows fall....
Loneliness disappears...
As the darkness envelopes...
the branches move with their darkness concealed inside to lead through the winding road...
the sharp rocks muffle hesitant footsteps... leaving blood in the trail...
the scent of life to be picked up by travellers who come by long past.

She stands proud.
Alone in a crowd.
Tears streaming down her face.
Eyes filled with sadness.
A smile stuck on her lips.

What do we make of this proud little girl... so lost... so sad... so happy.. and yet so.....

Down the road

She watches.....
never taking her eyes away...
Fearing if she did shed miss his shadow.
Eyes filled with hope.
Day after day.
For a man that never comes.
She is joined by her lil one...
What pretty eyes that little one has!
Together they watch... they wait....
Craning their necks when a shadow appears... and lowering their eyes when its not....
Hoping... somewhere down the road...
hes lost and finds his way back to them.... someday...

Start to end

Theres a pounding.... a flutter... a powerful urge.... maps across the body... with a compass at the heart... the mind needs to follow... not knowing where to end and when to start....

Damp earth and croaks

Oh the smell.... the one that i fantasize about.... in this sweltering heat... where the beads of sweat vanish as they run down my forehead...
Where the flowers droop with disappointment...
Where the frogs lay still...
The sound of panting dogs shake the foundations of the house i live in...
Oh! Will you not take pity!
Will you not show mercy.... ?!
All of us look at the sky.... every now and then....
In the hope a small little shapeless cloud passes by and decides to shower us with love.....
the clouds come and go.... none stop for this parched piece of land....
They have other places they need to be....
Other flowers they need to perk up...
Other stretches of land that they need to dampen....

And the waiting continues....

Rainbow

And just when the sun starts to shine... warming and thawing the ice and the frost... bringing  the warmth into the heart of the ice queen....
Over the horizon.... a dark cloud appears.... the land feels the rumble of onslaught.... the warmth has no chance of standing up to the downpour...

The sun leaves the land with regret... with a hope of returning... reflected as a rainbow....

Could have

What makes a person reminisce.... is it the memories? The longing? The presence?
Or just the could have beens?

Unknowns

The last two days have not been regular... actually the last week if i must be honest. Havent stepped out of my house unless its for an hour in the evening. The max i cooked was to boil some milk.
Then came pain. In my ear. Blood when i coughed. Wheeze when i breathed.
Usually i dont fall sick. Unusually the last year i have been battling a failing fight i feel. Yesterday got weird. Today got weirder.
Instinctively something doesnt feel right.
The last week i was being an ostrich  do i want to continue being one?
Is it just me?

Divinity

The hope that u light in my eyes...
And as u walk away my dear,
As ur grace lingers in my mind....
the only truth that remains is  the despair as i trace your steps...

The gentle sway of your body as the wind presses the white garb that conceals the beauty of your heart....
As i keep looking down the path i last saw you on.....
Resting my mind.... on hope....

Sand....

Usually i get hit. I dont wait to lick my wounds. I assess the damage...get up... walk... with a limp maybe... with my vision blurred. At times with blood obscuring my eyes. But i srand up and walk.
I am by nature not a person to hide when a storm comes by...
But i seem to be running... hiding....
If i run... i know i will keep running from the grip of pincers now... from the lightning.... from the thunder that follows.... from the winds that beat down the strongest of rocks.... from being made into a grain of sand as non descript as the others.....

Comfortable sadness

Money cant buy you happiness. It cant but you friends. It cant buy you your trust. It cant buy u love. It cant buy u a lot of things.... but it sure can get u everything u need to cry or whine in comfort sitting on a fluffy soft cushion in a huge clean house with yaani playing in the bg :p

Never again.

I learnt a language for a person. So i can read as much as my friend. Keep company.
I had a patient teacher long distance... i had promised wen u see me next... ill read a whole story out to u... as long as u dont loose patience....and i was told patience is a strong suit....
When i did read it out.... well i didnt read really... i did struggle the first few lines would have annoyed anybody.... and my teacher, my friends patience must have drained.... i didnt realise. Stupid me. How can i be so unperceptive...
And when i did realise... it was so ironic....
No patience no interest....
I dont know why i tried to learn a language ive live for 28 yrs without.
If i cud turn back time i never wud have started.... i never shud have....
Now thts not possible is it....
Never again.
i have lost the taste of pride i had.
Maybe i wasnt worth it anyway.

Maddening crowd and new town

So i travelled for four and a half hours to see the beach on new town...
The roads were horrible...
In a while they were so narrow that the car was probably pushed out most of the time. As i was nearing my destined land i saw on both sides dry trees... passing me by... and a few white hills of salt...  and my blessed land came... lined with rows of boats.... crowded.... so many bikes... so many cars... so many screaming shouting families... a maddening crowd....
As i walked through the crowd.... looking far away to the stretch of sand beyond.... i was at peace...far away from the maddening crowd... the beach so clear.... the sands so clean... the turquoise green and blue merging beautifully... on my right a thick growth of castuarina trees bent forever in the direction of the wind.... i stood in wonder.... at the calm sea.... let my girl to play... and play she did.... ran the lengths of the beach with a twinkle in her eye.... a smile which was all over her body.... she loved it too.... i walked along the shore.... wondering... thinking.... how easy it was to get away from the crowd.... and still be close by....we caught a few juicy crabs.... a few tiny transparent crabs with just a hint of green in the middle disappeared into nowhere.... the beauty of it all... the peace....it was worth the travel... it was worth the wait.... along came thoughts of how its so easy to break a persons flowery ideas..... how it wud disappoint to hear a few wrds said....
As i stood in the waters edge i was pulled... the water clear until then turns muddy and murky at my feet.... and draws me in... the sea i realise was deceptively calm.... when it had strong currents underneath its surface.... all we had to do was break the surface.....
And the time came to leave... the sky was changing colors.... it looks like its not just people whis colors change... but this was beauty... the blues... the violets... the pinks.... the moon rose... a transparent disc like imprint.... from the waters.... and started to shine as i walked toward the crowd....
Its back to the madness...
Back to the chotic routine...
Back to the maddening crowd....
New town... u will always be in my heart.... u opened new roads for me my dear friend....

Tamil Check

So the learn to read tamil in thirty days does work. Today is my twenty sixth day. I can read though a tad bit slow. But i read my first short story sucessfully this evening. It was absolutely worth the 26 days. I didnt try all the time those twenty six days either... i stopped for four days because when i was cribbing about how complicated the script is and sighed.... my teacher got so annoyed that i was told u read u gain if not its not the languages loss.... so i stopped. Tht makes it what? 23 days.
The days i took a break to hit my most favorite place. The beach.with my most favorite people. So three days strike. 20 days.
Of the 20 days its an hour and a half per day.... so yup moral of the story.
Learn tamil in 30 days pdf works.
Languages known
Hindi check
Sanskrit check
English check
And now.... tamil check **feeling proud**

Time to conquer another in 30 days. This time i know i wont have the kind, patient teacher i had for my first triumph.... so it may take a while....

Tired

Tired of fighting
Tired of people
Tired of games
Tired ofcooking
Tired of feeling lost
Tired of trying
Just tired

All i had to do was ask...

When she came into my life.... everything was a mess and she was the light in a dark tunnel. The small steady pole star in a moonless sky.... she held my hand. Looked at me with a twinkling eye and a toothy smile.... was home waiting for me even when i came home at two in the morning... slowly she made her space. Made peace with not getting my time or attention when my life took a turn for the better..... it took me a while to realise that i was seeing her back as she walked away. Everytime she turned away. Taking a step further. Widening the dustance. Then she gave me a chance. Made me ask. She came back. As she was. All i had to do was ask.

A new language

Ive started after 29years of talking in my native language to learn to read and write the script. I have initiated the reading a couple of times before but have always given up once i see all the curves maximum i have gone is till the third letter among the written script. But day before i had nothing better to do. I downloaded the learn in 30 das pdf sat for two hours with it. Now i can phonetically write with an accuracy between 40-60%.... nothing to be proud of... but its still a start.... i remember getting on the wrong bus and ending up 35 kms away from my actual destination bcoz i mistook the first letter and assumed all buses tht carry the same squiggle are headed to my city.... guess now i cant read fast enough to get on the right bus... but eventually i might get there. The irony is tht by the time i learn to read properly i may just end up being in a place tht communicates in another complicated language. And again i need to start. From the first stroke.

Together but not together.

I was sitting.... wondering about how there are so many couples who just need to go everywhere together, do all the things they do together,  speak to the same people. If one thinks different then the other feels hurt even offended like a mistake has been madr. When i see people like that... makes me wonder why people cant just love one another without making a bond of love... why cant they fill each others cups without drinking from the others.....
Why not each give the other a taste of their food rather than both eating the same thing feeding one another from the same plate?

It would be so amazing when two people sing, laugh , dance together but at the same time let each of you be alone...

Allow the love to be the ebbing river between the two shores of your souls.

Weirdness overload

When you hear a 35 year old man being called baby boo its weird.
When you see a stocky old man with a huge beer belly in neon colored tee shirt its weird.
When you see a totally normal 24 year old getting clingy needy and psychotic its weird.
When you see a five month old relation ship ending in marriage its the maximum weirdness i can take.

Its time

Its time to cut out the frills. I have ten months to go. Finals are nearing. 120 pages need to be organised and composed. Proof reading needs to be delegated.
I have never before started preparing for any exam a year ahead. Its always been a week prep and bull doze my way through the exam. This time around i want to be good. Not to prove anybody anything. Just to prove to myself that i can sit long hours. To prove to myself that i am good enough. To prove to myself i am second none.
The coubt down begins.
Lets hope the butterflies continue to flutter for the ten months and dont get anaesthetised in between.

Rechannelise

The last coupla weeks have been rough. Me on a short fuse. Everyone holding the trigger waiting to press it. All the time when i am  trying hard so. Very. Hard. To not react. Never happens. I always do. When i do i end up channelising it to one particular person who deals with me the way they wud a child. With kid gloves. Finally i am throwing in the toweln it really doesnt matter. I am marked leave coz i came late? Fine ill just take off. U wanna scream at me? Fine. Ill switch on "nothing else matters" in my head i hope i dont head bang in d drums solo though. God help me if i do.

Silence

What has become an unsaid truth....
May become a spoken lie.

When a breeze far away becomes a howling wind near my hand.

The glass but breaks.
The wind grows in intensity. Picking up dust as it moves.
The eyes close to protect.
The hand trembles.

Not knowing what it is that i should look forward to.
Now that the glass is broken and the wind in my face.

A little girl

There is this little girl who comes to learn from me everyday... i asked her a few questions to assess the damage i have to reconstruct.... slowly it dawned on me that there was no house standing which broke down... bcoz there wasnt a foundation. I couldnt see the first stone. I couldnt even see an iron rod... this was not an abandoned site of a building half made. It was a plain field. An unyeilding piece of land. Which was hard to break into. Especially with my kind of farming. It could mean either i could go my way or the highway route or i could persist and keep working on te land until it becomes pliable for me to til it.... its a choice. I could take the easy way out or i could fight.... do i have it in me for another round???
Gotta see how the mind is on the pther bank of the river.

Memories, I have few.

I like it that way, for it is better not to think or to feel, and I most definitely don’t imagine.

I do not think it was planned and please, I pray, it was never intended.

I like to believe that it was just circumstance and bad timing and a mixed up, twisted round, wrongly fused connection.

Which burned out.

I knew it wouldn’t last, deep within, I remember the doubts that were there all along.

But, I ignored them and buried them and hoped, I so badly hoped that our wires would tangle and knot and become one that could withstand the heat.

Though, it was never to be.

You loved me, I am sure of that, but you couldn’t stay to see the damage—you thought only of you.

You never witnessed the tears so damned hot they scalded and left scars down my cheeks.

I remember the noise, the deafening sound your absence left behind.

The chaos and the clutter and the betrayal, the cuts and the scrapes and the sweet, so very sweet taste of days gone past.

You rejected me and so I rejected myself.

You became an obsession that filled voids.

Spaces created from your absence, pieces of us broken, chewed up, shattered and discarded for all to view.
I frantically grasped at shards, bleeding and in pain, but I held on. I knew that when I let you go I would sink into myself.

And I remained this way. Submerged.

Until I couldn’t breathe and so, I opened.

I cracked wide open and the pain of the light scorch my bruised and aching soul.

I stitched myself together, but the loose thread faltered.

I erupted and I exploded and the erosion left me weakened and raw.

So, I lay in the sun and I allowed.

The wind came and the storms passed and I weathered all that they gave.

I remained open and I lay empty.

And it was then that I opened my eyes.

I found, you had ruined us but you hadn’t ruined me.

I discovered I was glistening and glittering and glowing.

My insides, though burnt and fractured from the impact of you crushing and the intensity of the pressure, had crystalized.

You took away your love.

But what you will never find out is:

You left behind a diamond.

 

Inconsistency

When a cake baked is lumpy we cud throw away whats made and correct the batter the next time around. What happens when its a person? What do we do then. If telling them makes things worse what then.
Especially if its ur suprior at wrk.
It sucks.
But it cud have been worse i know.

The point

Whats te point of no return?
The time that you shed more tears than u laugh?
The time that you realise forever is gonna take forever to get to where u are
The time that life kicks u in the gut to tell u to wake up grom ur dreams
The time that ur castles come crashing down
The time that u awake
Or the time u leap?

Parody

Like music and quiet... like dance and stillness.... like celebration and meditation comes life and death. Death is the flower blooming while it reaches bliss while the life in all its glory all but wilts the beautiful bud and drains the life and the nectar out of an unbloomed blossom.
The play and the player is but all seen on a stage. All the paint on peoples faces is made of sweat blood as they fight the crucifix.
The dew drop and the lotus are but one. Both beautiful. Both pure until disturbed.

batty

im going crazy. i think of publications. now ive started dreaming of them. its like i desperately want something and i am feeling something unseen holding me back. it feels like im hitting at a brick wall. i am just not able to go further. dont know what to do... its so frustrating. i have a dream and i am trying to get there 5 publications as primary by the time i write my final exams. one done. four to go.

haunted

its sweet to be given attention. it is even better to be a center of someones attention. but i guess it is not too good when all u want to do is crawl under a table and just be. just be left alone to listen to your own voice. to sing your own song, to hear your own breath and to watch yourself shake. to know your eyes aaare glazed and not having to explain yourself is a luxury that noone gives you. a luxury of sleeping all day eludes too. the snakes, the eyes, the exhaustion, the tireless walk, the unending long winded path haunts me.
The ghost refuses to get off my shoulder no matter how hard i run, no matter how far i go... it doesnt matter if im on land, if im under water, if im far away if i am close to my sea.... its still an unending sorrow, a limitless ocean of tears, the beautiful beginning that i was promised never meant to come....

nobody

nobody knows where we might end up... no body sees where we are going.
nobody cares where you might be headed. they jusst care to see.
noone will be a sweet heart, nobody will be.
not once has it crossed his mind to just let it be.

wake up with a whine

i wake up and my girl whines, i cook and in that time my meighbour whines, i head to college my colleague whines.... i dono why i am surrounded by whiners....

insomnia

whats with me and being sleepless....
i was working a single shift a day and i wasnt able to sleep because i was not satisfied with what i have done through the day so then i started doing the grave yard shift to make use of my nocturnal habits... and 18 hours a day i didnt get exhausted...

not one year later i am married... when husband dearest is around i dont sleep much bcoz he comes in late and we talk late into the night to catch up with each other.... and i know he hates me for keeping him awake beyond his tolerance.... 10 pm is is his most... oflate he has tuned himself to fall asleep at one and awaken by 6 in the morning!!! *God bless his soul*

so, i blamed it on him coming home late.... but now he is travelling... and is far far away... fortunately for him unfortunately for me i have no one to blame...and most of all nothing to do!!! no one to bug... no one to keep annoying with whats-on-your-mind/ what - are- you - thinking questions.....

Actually coming to think of it asking someone whats on their mind is annoying... I realised it when he started asking me for a change when i went unnaturally quiet when he was talking about his parents and some random jack ass friend of his.... and suddenly up pops the question what are you thinking... my mind was at a total blank... or maybe there were random thoughts running in my head which i couldnt grasp fast enough to answer him... by the time i could come up with something the moment had passed... *phew* now i know what a tight spot i put him in when i ask him... and to top it off when he says he is blank i just dont seem to be able to buy that... my argument would be about how can someones mind be blank... esp when hes got this serious thoughtful expression on his face!!!

and just when i get hold of myself and sternly tell myself to sleep... the providential power cut happens. and in a place like bhubaneshwar, it can last for a blink of an eye just so that they ensure the internet connection is gone kind of power cuts or it could last all night and all day.... I mean like seriously the stupid state is a power rich state for heavens sake!! Even in tamil nadu, specifically chennai the power cuts hqappen scheduled and we know it wont go more than 2 hours but noooo i stay in the middle of nowhere and prolonged power cuts seem to be the norm here. and the neighbours wonder secretly if i am crazy... maybe they do gonsider you off your bolts when u complain abt the power cuts here.... and i finally told a woman with the risk of sounding like a " In America" kind of US return, in chennai it is scheduled cuts and all i get is a weird look.....

**drool**

it has been a month since i wrote... almost... i miss it... pouring what i think... but maybe its for the best. now without a blog to vent i have to have proper conversations withi people instead of just sticking with a so?!?? this year has started not so well. i mean i dont believe in all that sentimental stuff but when the universe conspires looks like it surely does conspire in a way that noone  can do anything about it....
its like the universe tricks us to do EXACTLY what it wants and when it wants.
i miss prawns. those lovely goldeen spicy tangy juicy lil prawns.... T.K gave me a cold prawn salad once absolutely delicious and i miss it so hard that i am able to remember it, the way it looked the way it bit... this was in jan of 2012 so trust me when i say... i miss em... but universe and its cruel tricks
it tricked me into thinking i could have it in six months.... now it looks like i eventually just wont have it at all... like i will get so used to saying no i will continue to say no...
my dear, amazing smelling red grilled fiery looking chicken.... good bye to you.... good bye again....
anyway not tht i miss any
but i wish i just got some
lol tht sounds so wrong on so many levels... but well... it is what it is...

Difficult times fun people. Fun times difficult people.

What do i say. Its like the universe conspires to keep ne in check. Never show fun to this woman the proton and anti proton decided when the being eas still sub atomic. And somehow they have made such a good poa that they r still doing well... as planned.
If ard me everything stimulates and culminates in a good time. Varying degrees of good there  but, good nonetheless. There will always be people who stick their noses so high up in the air that their kind begin to look so like a specimen of darwinian theory.
So there the great place and time go down the drain. No sorry n there the stuff goes up in smoke into a place abv stratosphere..... then there r times when the place suck but who u r with matters and thts as good as it gets i guess.

Strings.

What holds us back. An imaginary line? What boxes us in actually keeps others out. What holds them back? Their own sense of contentment? Moral high ground? Their perception of situations? Situations are not always as they seem. A messy old man in a wrinkled suit arrested for suspicion of carrying a loaded gun... a beautiful doe eyed little girl of 13 smiling innocently big eyes appealing is assumed to be hiding a bunch of flowers for her mom back home. She goes home. Moms killed with an axe. Crime scene drenched in blood. His wife meanwhile waiting for the flower bunch he brings home every friday.
Things are never as they seem. Strings arenever as harmless as they look. They could b coated with glass powder... with poison.
Who knows.
Does anyone else care but u...?

Chills

The day starts chilly. Breathe in and breathe out. Remember to live each breath as it is ur last. Never regret coz i have and it screws with ur head for a long time to come. Weird. Truen

Bad call. Bad judgement.

I was on the phone. Loosing my cool. Feeling my time being violated. But who am i to say all tat when the time isnt mine in the true sense. The sense of ownership has happed with them earlier who am i to tell whats wrong and whats right. Who am i to justify my baggage. Everyone has a story of their own. How wud we know if it remains untold. An untold story is a dark one. A blind one. Turns out the twists and turns cant ve expected even when ur guts not screwed up.
U have ur story. I have mine.
Tell me urs and i might just tell u mine.

So much yet so little

Theres so much to do... yet so little gets done. We wish we had more time. Doesnt everyone? What difference is it going to make? Having more time? What u cant handle in the time thats urs will u b able to handle it on borrowed time? How does extra time work when the time thts yours isnt actually yours anymore. What if u have been written off next week. Next day. Next hour. What wud u do with the time that u have. Wud u brood abt it or wud u put a smile on ur face and walk away?

denial

when someones in denial of everything that happens around him. what can u but say. theres nothing that you can do to help. nothing that u can do to complete the circle that life comes in. the circle that would have definitely been started by the denier.
the denier and the denyie :P i think thats a word made up by me. both being oblivious to the circle themselve.

it was a week to the new years and i realised i wud soon b changing the numbers on my year to 15.... meaning i am soon reaching the terrible thirties. while i  was pondering that i was heading to the beach... where i  was getting pondorous again. At one point i kept seeing one type of shells at every turn... the one thats long and spiral.... so i went up to the water started picking up the shells which hit my foot when i stood in the water. The chill waves breaking at my calf. The sand beneath my foot giving way. as easily as rum lindt in my mouth. At some point i loose balance and move my feet only to be poked by another shell again of the same kind. It was a sign. the Beach was giving me a sign. The universe pushes the things that are meant for you your way. you just have to see it. My elderly girl and me picked up and collected all the shells and she ran away to amuse herself with the tiny beach crabs while i stood looking over the pile a thought struck me... The beach has Something for everyone.
broken shells. beautiful complete shells.
the water. the sand.
lets a person get drenched.
a person to stay dry.
a person to think.
a person to sing.
to stay alive.
to draw the design of death.
to look back.
look forward.
to look beside and lean.
to look the other side and wonder.
The blues of the sea matching the blue mood.
the green of the sea matching the green envy.
the free wind breaking away like my soul.
the piece that just took flight and wishes to soar.