Its time

Its time to cut out the frills. I have ten months to go. Finals are nearing. 120 pages need to be organised and composed. Proof reading needs to be delegated.
I have never before started preparing for any exam a year ahead. Its always been a week prep and bull doze my way through the exam. This time around i want to be good. Not to prove anybody anything. Just to prove to myself that i can sit long hours. To prove to myself that i am good enough. To prove to myself i am second none.
The coubt down begins.
Lets hope the butterflies continue to flutter for the ten months and dont get anaesthetised in between.

Rechannelise

The last coupla weeks have been rough. Me on a short fuse. Everyone holding the trigger waiting to press it. All the time when i am  trying hard so. Very. Hard. To not react. Never happens. I always do. When i do i end up channelising it to one particular person who deals with me the way they wud a child. With kid gloves. Finally i am throwing in the toweln it really doesnt matter. I am marked leave coz i came late? Fine ill just take off. U wanna scream at me? Fine. Ill switch on "nothing else matters" in my head i hope i dont head bang in d drums solo though. God help me if i do.

Silence

What has become an unsaid truth....
May become a spoken lie.

When a breeze far away becomes a howling wind near my hand.

The glass but breaks.
The wind grows in intensity. Picking up dust as it moves.
The eyes close to protect.
The hand trembles.

Not knowing what it is that i should look forward to.
Now that the glass is broken and the wind in my face.

A little girl

There is this little girl who comes to learn from me everyday... i asked her a few questions to assess the damage i have to reconstruct.... slowly it dawned on me that there was no house standing which broke down... bcoz there wasnt a foundation. I couldnt see the first stone. I couldnt even see an iron rod... this was not an abandoned site of a building half made. It was a plain field. An unyeilding piece of land. Which was hard to break into. Especially with my kind of farming. It could mean either i could go my way or the highway route or i could persist and keep working on te land until it becomes pliable for me to til it.... its a choice. I could take the easy way out or i could fight.... do i have it in me for another round???
Gotta see how the mind is on the pther bank of the river.

Memories, I have few.

I like it that way, for it is better not to think or to feel, and I most definitely don’t imagine.

I do not think it was planned and please, I pray, it was never intended.

I like to believe that it was just circumstance and bad timing and a mixed up, twisted round, wrongly fused connection.

Which burned out.

I knew it wouldn’t last, deep within, I remember the doubts that were there all along.

But, I ignored them and buried them and hoped, I so badly hoped that our wires would tangle and knot and become one that could withstand the heat.

Though, it was never to be.

You loved me, I am sure of that, but you couldn’t stay to see the damage—you thought only of you.

You never witnessed the tears so damned hot they scalded and left scars down my cheeks.

I remember the noise, the deafening sound your absence left behind.

The chaos and the clutter and the betrayal, the cuts and the scrapes and the sweet, so very sweet taste of days gone past.

You rejected me and so I rejected myself.

You became an obsession that filled voids.

Spaces created from your absence, pieces of us broken, chewed up, shattered and discarded for all to view.
I frantically grasped at shards, bleeding and in pain, but I held on. I knew that when I let you go I would sink into myself.

And I remained this way. Submerged.

Until I couldn’t breathe and so, I opened.

I cracked wide open and the pain of the light scorch my bruised and aching soul.

I stitched myself together, but the loose thread faltered.

I erupted and I exploded and the erosion left me weakened and raw.

So, I lay in the sun and I allowed.

The wind came and the storms passed and I weathered all that they gave.

I remained open and I lay empty.

And it was then that I opened my eyes.

I found, you had ruined us but you hadn’t ruined me.

I discovered I was glistening and glittering and glowing.

My insides, though burnt and fractured from the impact of you crushing and the intensity of the pressure, had crystalized.

You took away your love.

But what you will never find out is:

You left behind a diamond.

 

Inconsistency

When a cake baked is lumpy we cud throw away whats made and correct the batter the next time around. What happens when its a person? What do we do then. If telling them makes things worse what then.
Especially if its ur suprior at wrk.
It sucks.
But it cud have been worse i know.