Utterly totally exhausted drained.
At work I behaved like a desperate passenger on a sinking ship calling for the rescue boat.
I am done.
I think I'm going into let's not talk at all phase.
I can go above and beyond with work and not talk to anybody.
I think i would be so much better once I am like that provided I continue in the same space for a prolonged period of time.
I just need to shut up now and keep reminding myself of that every few hours initially till it becomes a habit.
It's raining.
Yesterday I was given a small role to play in the administration. Not big. Not very important either, but everydrop of water is what makes the ocean.
I realised that for this small insignificant role that was given to me I am being given weird looks and expressions.
Initially the tone of ridicule. Then it changes to a curiosity asking why me. Then the tone that comes across is it's not that big a role so don't let it get to your head, combined with thank God they didn't give it to me it's too much of a headache.
I got cut out from building a one on one with the kids.
The boss lady is making me handle a hundred of them divided into four groups. Just going over the same few pages for each group.
What works for me is.... I get to be a master in those areas. It's my time to shine.
I'm not sure what I should take out of all this. All I can do is let it slide...
Like a friendly older colleague said all of it is a phase. She meant well. I know she did.
Maybe from now let my lips move less when at work. Let my work shine.
Be a master.
This is where I would like to be for ever.
Middle of nowhere
Surrounded by the universe.
I'm not cut out for life in society.
I want to be. But I am not.
No matter where you go it's all the same.
So
I am at a holiday city for a bit of study time.... Self development... Something for myself....
So far I have always come only to the pretty part of the own.... This time thanks to a cute someone I stayed and got familiar with the not the typical tourist part of town, I realized only now when I watched a homeless man walking away from a bench and a tailed friend of his walking sedately behind him that everywhere you go it's the same story, seeing that I got this line in my head that no place is different irrespective of how nice it looks....
I started seeing things, people differently....
The set of boys together on the wall catching looks, the couple walking for their cardiologist, the old men greeting each other as they walked past each other, the homeless drifting from me bench to the other a few having loyal friend daughter with them a few being scary to the tails that follow them.
I thought that pretty town means the whole place is different but it's all just the same.
The four streets pretty.
Clean.
Wow.
Touristy.
Just this week I realised that there is a world beyond these four streets and it is dirty. Filthy. Scamming. Horrible nightmarish place.
I need to expand my sight and horizons. Now I know.
Thank you...
It was the same three hour one way trip... The same temples, people... The same feeling, emotions... Everything was the same just the two turned into a three....
Brilliant me thought alright all the traffic restrictions are in place from the hurt today is he econd so why not just go see the place and people and come, we can beat the ystem... Diwali was on 6th so should be fine. No problem.
This is bat happened that day.
I woke up at eight and thought I feel like going to the place that broke me and resurrected me stronger. Then thought Nah why do you want to go. Then by 8.45 thought alright when you feel I've doing something let's go through with it.
Got out of home and got into a bus... I waited in the bus which was supposed to "leave in five mins. " Indian standard time left 40 minutes later. Reached the place by 11.30. Pretty good Huh. Did all the rituals that I normally go through everytime I go to the town close to my heart.
On my way back the bus ride took me a whole five hours. Exactly the same that it used to take when I would travel everyday to and from my med school.
The time that I volunteered for a short film only because I couldn't bare to watch as the boys of my class were asking the girls to play roles in the script that they'd written, only for the girls to behave high and mighty....
I'd try and 'act' post classes, get a bus by 6 and manage to get home by 11. If lucky I would be home by 10.30...
All this came back in rushes a day before thirty three.
Life a circle.
Days a cycle.
Empty.
Meaningless.
Questionable.
Unchanging.
Forever different.
