So...
What's been happening.....
Nothing, everything...
So,
There's an oscillation...
There's something I want, at times it feels like I can work through it... At times I feel like i would get frustrated just hitting the wall every so often.
I at times tell myself I don't need this... A few blinks on my eye later I don't know what I would do without.
It's so long and the doubt still remains....
So many days, minutes and conversations later life keeps showing me how it always guides you to the beginning...
Genesis.
All comes down to primal core of hand.
Trust.
I feel like its an effort to push through each day.
Starting the day with a sigh and ending it with no noise....
There's this furry friend of the street who was so injured eight years back. Two boys from the houses near mine took care of it. I say it because everyone kept calling it him. When just today all of us realised he was actually a she. The boys named him Mani.
Mani was stabbed by a metal rod which went through his tummy and back.
These boys nurtured him back to health.
Now. Eight years later he has a routine. One of those boys feeds him daily at night. He goes gets shelter at a compound used as an office space where the watchman kindly left the gate just a crack open just for this Lil guy to waddle in and rest.
Six months back the young boy now a six foot young man left the neighborhood promising to take time off at night to come feed him. Promise broken Mani still stuck to his routine of waiting at that chaps gate for his dinner which stopped being given and waddled back to the office sleeping at night with the watch man.
Two weeks back the office relocated along with the watchman and the gates were locked.
Mani's left on the street with no-one to feed him and no place to sleep.
My heart breaks.
All f us have a place or person who is home for us.
We come to expect things out of habit.
We want to be heard.
When that doesn't happen we are lost.
When it happens emotionally then it is natural to gravitate towards the place where you get the attention you crave.
When you let go or give up on your routines and engagements and it is not seen or heard.
When you bend and it's not appreciated or noted.
When you restrict yourself based on someone else's perspective.
You loose yourself and when it dawns on you, you feel lost at sea...
When you try and communicate and it feels unheard you flounder and grasp at straws.
If you are someone who shuts up and doesn't speak up you will remind me of Mani.
If not then good for you!
When the distance grows
The times long gone play in the minds eye.
Times when you get hurt will be dealt with, with tenderness...
The hand when hurt, the pain kissed away.
The eyes when welling up, the tears brushed away.
Words when spoken,
When shoulders reel in with pain, seen and embraced to heal the wounds of words.
Words are sharper than actions.
It hurts.
This too shall pass.
When the air is still
Your heart senses a cool breeze
The waves lapping at your feet and there is a stillness
When the music of the waves crashing around you fades out
The salt in the air refreshes
Your eyes light up with the joy that you feel from deep within
The music in your head falls silent
Everything around fades out.
Just you
Under the stars
The moon missing from the skies tonight
The universe and you.
When I see a married couple at a restaurant sharing dinner, in silence... I used to think and admire the comfortable silence shared. It always looked so peaceful. So perfect. So in-sync.
Now,
I feel loss and sadness when I see the same sharing unfolding as my eyes take it in.
I think to myself I hope that is never where I would end up.
If that is what it is I may not want it again.
A younger me would probably see the same two people and love comfort and peace would have come to the mind...
Maybe it's age, or it's just cynicism that's gotten too deep in my being, all I see is a lot of holding back.
Unshed tears.
Unspoken words.
Unexplored thoughts.
Untouched hearts.
Just bound together by the paper, the thread of a tiny pair of feet possibly holding them anchor away from the choppy waters around them.
It's dark outside
A light shines through.
It's a smile that I see
That guides me move
The sparkle of the eye
My north pole
The peace that descends comes from far away never near
While miles away
The smile is back
While near never to guide
The mind plays it's games.
The mind is but on it's own path
Denies the eyes
Denies the heart
All the happiness fades as if the curtain just fell , after a slow fading out in the background
The fire has run its course, nothing more to engulf.
A flower faces the rise of the sun.
Blooms as it basks in the pristine light that the biggest fire that burns in its world
A child smiles it's truest at his mother
Babbles all he knows to the only one that understands him
The wind is strongest at the peak
The only place it knows can take its might, the mountains.
The eyes shed now
The only time it knows the heart pains.
A wall made of crystals
So delicate
Reflecting the rays of the morning sun
Thr drops of beads hanging on the fringes
Turning and swaying gently
The wind so soft even the wisp of hair on you doesn't think it can move
The sunlight passing the wall through the beads hit you with a brilliance
A burst of moving swaying beauty
The colors moving across your dusky skin
Eyes closing to the brilliance
Your mind screaming to see
To absorb
To take it all in...
Alas
You could have if you had stepped out of the fortress you have hidden in
You could have taken in what beauty is meant to be
Remember the time when you were serenaded with flowers, chocolates , the movies whenever a new one was out.
Why does it all go away.
What makes all those things we connected with seem unimportant?
When does it all change?
Why?
Feel old.
Dang.
No more thinking next few weeks.
Just one foot in front of the other.
Breathe.
What I don't understand in life is, all the times I see people happy. When I don't know them as a person I can be happy with them or for them, but the problem actually starts bobbing it's head is when I know the said people.
Invariably these are people I would know a long while.
Being me I would most definitely have lost touch with them over the years and would have let them make the extra effort in reconnecting.
All of us already know, I am bad at maintaining but better at making friendships.
The few that have stuck over time is more effort from that side to show it matters to them that I'm around in their life and once I feel like yes they care then is when I put in the effort too. But by then there's a possibility that it would be too late to salvage the relationship. There would be so many stories I would have missed.
There will be other people in the place I used to take.
There would be so many more things they would have handled without me around that they would question the effort they are taking to reach me and probably just dust their hands off saying you know what i got through so much without you being there for me I sure as hell don't need you now. I can do without you and the effort it takes therefore draining me.
Shut the door and they say sorry but you are out.
Deviating from the topic but let's get back shall we?
Where was I?
The meeting people after loosing touch and knowing what kind of people they are, when I see a few people like recently I met with a few from my school and med school phase and noticed a pattern I was making in my head to create a huge crocheted picture of life in my head.
The sucky people, the bullies, the serial dater, the serial cheater, the liar people who hurt others for no reason whatsoever ever end up with wonderful partners and kids and huge palatial houses and everything that the society has convinced us to believe are indicators of success.....
While, the genuinely nice people, people with a kind heart, kind eyes and have gentle souls end up in bad relationships, financial issues and no issues....
While speaking to a friend about this pattern I'm seeing I was told maybe my basic premise is wrong. While another says God knows if they are really happy. How do you measure their happiness.
While another said, maybe they got all, but how do you know what are the sacrifices they have to make to make things going for them.....
What she said did make sense.
Just because someone looks happy we wouldn't know the story behind it all. Maybe there are big sacrifices being made individually to make the whole picture work....
Just like each knot has a story of being made...
What they must have done, their slips, their experience while bullying others must have taught them something that makes them go the extra mile to be understanding... You never know I guess...
That's why they say, a teak tree falls first while the Elm stays standing when hit strong.
The old has collapsed
But tries to stitch together its fallen pieces
To weave another tapestry
To give it a life span
But staggers at every step, and falls apart again
It tries to patch work - but now
Even that doesn't work
It has come to a halt!
- AUROVILLE
A lot of people spoke. A lot of women, quite a few men.
There was an extremely talented man who said I could triple my workload and I could do it with absolutely no issues but my wife left me with my two kids from sunrise to sunset and the house was in chaos and I wanted to get out and went on to say how his house is a well oiled machine only because of the women in his life.
And right about there I lost respect.
Matha pitha guru Deivam.
Mathru devo bhava...
Shivan illaye Shakti illai, Adan pole Shakti illaamal Shivan illai...
Indian culture respects women, we worship the Shakti, the Devi in many forms...but do we really see her as a force to reckon with in our daily lives?
The way I heard every single speech today, In celebration of women kept reiterating that women help in organising... The fastest learners are women who come to work when they wake up at 5 get done with cooking cleaning packing getting kids school ready and then going to work. They are claimed as the best learners. Not that they don't have the brains to have gotten to where they are in a year through the same system that took you six years to crack.
Not that they work their backs off.
Not that they have to work extra hard to fight against people and their opinions every inch of ground they gain.
Not that they have to keep listening to you say women need to learn their place and yet keep working beside you, shoulder to shoulder.
None of that.
But only because of the fact that they do so much work at home and then get to work so they can just about learn.
Yes.
You are right.
They learn that while at home they are the compass, at work they will be treated with lines like oh she's a woman you were wrong to expect her to deliver.
On an off day, you a man can yell, thrown tantrums and people around you will say he must have a valid reason... But if a woman does the same not half as bad, the line we hear "what do u expect if not this from a woman? " or "must be hormonal" or "must be frustrated at home" or the best I've heard " she's divorced so she will come show her frustration at work".
The women who spoke kept saying you men should protect the women in your life.
Why do they need to protect?!
Why can we not tell them everyone is a human being.
Why can we not tell them be kind with everyone.
Why put the onus of protection on the men and then blame the same men for violating a woman.
Why not teach women how to draw the line.
Why not teach men how to respect a woman when she says no.
How about teaching the men to share responsibilities at home.
Why not make them more receptive to being a sensitive partner.
Why not attribute a woman's skill as her skill rather than saying inspire of working she takes care of her house. Why can it not be inspired of them working they take care of their house?
Respect me and I respect you. Man woman or LGBTQ.
It's not about gender.
It's about perception.
Alter yours and I will alter mine.
I had this mental image.
After 30 only saree starched neat with partitioned hair, braided big Bengali bindi, the partition in my hair filled with vermilion, eyes heavy with kohl, hands with bangles and a smile on my lips.
The image changed.
When I started work... My mental picture was of a brilliant and inspiring person with a captivating presence like I had seen a few of my teachers, rare, few and far in between, but that I wanted. I wanted to be like this senior physiologist I had in my med school when we knew it was his class we would irrespective of what we had going all of us will drop whatever it was to get good seats in the hall.
It changed. I am not like that. Not even close. Someday, the hope is still there.
By forty I imagined a big black book filled with pictures from Rome, Greece, Italy, Spain, Lebanon, Egypt and sand in my sand box with as many sandy beaches.
That has changed.
Each vision changed.
As we move each day the reality alters our mental image of what we are.
Expectations don't match the reality.
When we look at people and observe we do learn...
When we are involved in interactions we only look at responding.
Do I sound too JK?
When I reacted to situations (I still do but I am trying not to real hard and if you know me you know the herculean effort that takes from me!) I realised I was too invested in the situation and interaction that I didn't read the dynamic with people and the situation play....
Now the last few days I see,
The power play involved... Which I used to be so oblivious to...
Now it just entertains me no end.
By stepping back and just watching I also get soooooo much time in hand and a lot more space in my mind to do what I love...
Like, a few days back drama unfolded while I sat and watched like a fly on the wall.. Though I still trigger insecurities for a few working Indian housewife women mentality people I work with I am occasionally considered a non threat in rare few times. I was able to start my work on a few papers that have long been pending.... Been approached to write a book, been asked to take a few classes as guest lecture in decent institutes outside, touch wood at least half of these opportunities materialise, the greater power willing.
But, I digress, these opportunities would have come and I would have passed up on it if I was the reactive self. Now, maybe I haven't changed all that much but I still have the time to consider taking up these paths that have been offered to venture out.
Maybe I will find a road that has been travelled before but looks unused.
Maybe these paths will lead me to Vietnam or Japan.
Maybe these roads may end up caging me to this local market.
They are still roads untraveled by me.
The stories that I have yet to read.
The books that I have not yet considered reading.
Maybe my Lil one with her hazel eyes and black nose can trot happily by my side and teach me to explore the way she curiously does on the roads that she goes every single day like she's never been in the same place before. Like every step is new, every trip an adventure though it is well beaten to death.
I realised something while on the road at a signal.
I was beginning to make me the victim as a default oflate.
I am beginning to realize that if a person has a problem with someone or something then it's solely their problem unless it is communicated to the other person involved for it to become something that needs to be worked on.
If an issue is not brought up then how will the other party know that it troubles you.
When there is no chance of you knowing something is wrong when in your mind nothing is you won't see if it is. What your mind knows your eyes will surely see.
Declutter your mind.
Use the checklist.
Find yourself.
Be true to yourself.
If it was not brought to your attention or if something was not given space to be out and spoken about be clear it is not your fault.
Do not blame yourself.
Do not think back on each day trying to find what was wrong in what you did.
Do not analyse the past.
Be here.
Be now.
Be present.
Be pure.
Don't hold back on what you are right now.
Hold back on plans for the future. Sure. Do that. But don't pause your life and emotions right now.
Live in light and love people.
You deserve where you are. Good or bad. Be present in it.
Is this a lie
Was it all an act.
The laughs the effort an act.
Was it all lies.
Is every minute I cherished a lie, an act.
Is what I held on as a sane part of the insane world I was living in actually a sham that I bought into hook line and sinker.
The minutes the hours the conversation felt real.
Are all the castles I built and the dream of the sound of little feet standing on nothing but air.
The illusion of peace and happiness has been so complete that I truly believed it and thought it was real.
Ignorance is bliss.
Knowledge makes a fool.
A fool who believes life is good. People are good. A clown that believes the world he creates in his mind is laughed at for a reason. The reason is that he believes what he creates when the world around him sees the reality for what it is and not through the glasses that the clown wears.
A person who I thought has been pure. The purest person that I know has emerged tainted.
Everyone of us is human.
I held on and believed in the beauty of the roses. That is what has pulled me through the last few years. What I believed to be real.
But it was all an act.
Illusions do bring you out of places.
It has to me.
I have emerged out of my head into reality.
I'm not ready to face reality yet. But situations will force you to be the best version of you.
I hope.
One can only hope. Let's not take that away yet....
See,
The thing about interaction with people is that it is both under and over rated.
Life seems so calm and peaceful when there isn't anyone to talk to that way no-one to twist what you said and be hurt with it.
But when you need to work and earn to put food on the table we need to have interactions where it's so difficult to sit through people speak and misrepresent what is and was told.
I wish there was a way that we could live without social interaction and still go to work.
Everyday I tell myself I will be early and I will reach on time. I always end up late. It looks bad. Reflects poorly on me.
Everyone has the same amount of time in a day. Everyone has responsibilities.
It's the same traffic everyone faces.
No-one cares if you don't have a machine to wash clothes or a maid to clean up or if you make food in the morning all by yourself.
What does matter is not being late to work.
What should matter is valuing the time of everyone involved.
Irrespective of if you feel cornered or singled out. Irrespective of the lieniency given to others. You be pure. You be true to yourself. You be true to the work you do. It will reflect on you, your face, your name and most of all on your being.
Be on time.
Be pure.
With love he signs for everyone who asks but not once for me.
To my dearest he writes but never in my pages did he.
The wise aren't that wise to know the sound of a woman's heart breaking when it does.
The tears that would show have started being guarded. The words that would flow unchecked along the fast flowing river of conversation have started to be held back by gates built within dams.
As my heart swells with pride, it also hurts. I wonder when it will be seen without being shown.
It's only you that hurts and none else.
