So... 
What's been happening..... 
Nothing, everything...

So,
There's an oscillation...
There's something I want, at times it feels like I can work through it...  At times I feel like i would get frustrated just hitting the wall every so often. 

I at times tell myself I don't need this...  A few blinks on my eye later I don't know what I would do without. 

It's so long and the doubt still remains.... 
So many days, minutes and conversations later life keeps showing me how it always guides you to the beginning...
Genesis. 
All comes down to primal core of hand.
Trust.

I feel like its an effort to push through each day.

Starting the day with a sigh and ending it with no noise.... 

Mani

There's this furry friend of the street who was so injured eight years back.  Two boys from the houses near mine took care of it.  I say it because everyone kept calling it him. When just today all of us realised he was actually a she.  The boys named him Mani.
Mani was stabbed by a metal rod which went through his tummy and back. 
These boys nurtured him back to health. 
Now.  Eight years later he has a routine.  One of those boys feeds him daily at night. He goes gets shelter at a compound used as an office space where the watchman kindly left the gate just a crack open just for this Lil guy to waddle in and rest. 
Six months back the young boy now a six foot young man left the neighborhood promising to take time off at night to come feed him.  Promise broken Mani still stuck to his routine of waiting at that chaps gate for his dinner which stopped being given and waddled back to the office sleeping at night with the watch man. 
Two weeks back the office relocated along with the watchman and the gates were locked. 
Mani's left on the street with no-one to feed him and no place to sleep.
My heart breaks.
All f us have a place or person who is home for us. 
We come to expect things out of habit. 
We want to be heard. 
When that doesn't happen we are lost. 
When it happens emotionally then it is natural to gravitate towards the place where you get the attention you crave.

When you let go or give up on your routines and engagements and it is not seen or heard. 
When you bend and it's not appreciated or noted. 
When you restrict yourself based on someone else's perspective.
You loose yourself and when it dawns on you, you feel lost at sea...
When you try and communicate and it feels unheard you flounder and grasp at straws. 
If you are someone who shuts up and doesn't speak up you will remind me of Mani. 
If not then good for you!