find a man who looks at you like....

And if you can. it won't hurt if he looks like this either....;) 

Lathangi. the divine healing raagas.

Papanasa Sivan 

What beauty in his words!  

pirava varam tarum pemmane

pirava varam tarum iraiva marubadi
pirava varam tarum pirandalum un tiruvadi
marava varam tarum manila mel ini

parvati neya bakta Sahaya
bandam aradA vandarul ta ta
mundi / mundai vinai kOra chintakulam teera
endai un padaravindam tunai sera 

of blood तथास्तु

When the universe conspires it really does. 

I wanted to adopt a child every since I knew I could.  

At the time I first applied just out of meds school and the system said I wasn't thirty yet.  

When I got to thirty they said I don't have a medical disorder.  

Then came financial stability once that was alright they said get sign from relatives then they said I don't remember...  

At this point I am too tired of trying again. 

I always thought I'll have my own blood but first I wanted a child of my tears.  

The universe so cruel.  Said no.  

First no to my tears.  Now to my blood.  

Cruel.  

It's alright.  

I am done. 

I give up.  Have it your way.  

The dream I had last week of having a little one suckle.  I give up. 

I give up on being surrounded by that love.  Being enveloped by the warmth of my other looking on the woman and child with love warmth and protectiveness.  

They say you want something hard enough the universe works in mysterious ways to give it to you.  

Guess the air around me found that I was lying to myself about how much I wanted it.  

I don't want to be this old childless bitter  lady who manipulates everyone around her.  I have seen one and I don't want to be her.  

I am done. 

You win.  

I give up.  

Done.

 I close the chapter on this dream.  I declare it aloud that this is done.  I will not keep thinking or yearning this anymore. I will not look at the people who have wronged me and ask how come they have their children when I wasn't let to.  I promise not to be wishful about this anymore.  I declare this to you my universe.  I am done. No more.  You win. 

So be it. 

I have my children. the ones I teach every single one will be the one that I nurture.  Every single one will be my own child.  For better or worse.  I know none of them would remember me by the time they cross the river and face the next exam...  But I will shower each one with attention as I would my own. I will love each with every beat of my heart. 

I will the universe to give me good and kind children year after year.  

I will the universe to surround me with love and kindness. 

I will the universe to give me abundance to share. 

I will the universe to shower me with the   happiness of the children I nurture...  Not at my own bosom but with my kindness. 

I will the universe to give me kindness.  

I will the universe to let my path cross and travel along only with people who mean well are kind and are beautiful. 

I will the universe to let me have this. 

 

तथास्तु