no kids allowed!

 either i post every single detail or i just totally withdraw. 

it is exhausting talking to people. 

i just seem to get drained and irritable at the end of the day. dont get me wrong. i like talking to people and meeting new people... but, for some reason it drains me at times just smiling and being agreeable. 

i have been house hunting for a month now. its so difficult finding a house that allows me to keep my lil one. would they say no to a human child? coz babies and toddlers are more destructive and noisy as far as i can tell. i have memories of drawing on the walls of a rented house when i was a child. i have seen other kids, my friends children do it even now. i have screamed and cried at the stairwell in the middle of the night that i cant climb and i need my dad to pick me up and take me up the two flights of stairs. i have seen children throw tantrums that awoke neighbours. 

so do they have restrictions saying no kids allowed in rentals in India?

later that month

 6 bags of trash later i realised i needed to do this whether or not i was tired of cleaning all the time. 

i packed up the kitchen duplicates to see what i actually needed 4 weeks later i realise i dont use any of the stuff i have packed so out that goes. 

i find clearing the wardrobe easier than other types of clutter so i go back in again and go a 3rd round at my clothes thinking i have done this already how will i find anything to throw, lo and behold another full 25kg bag is filled.

i still have a few sentimental pieces though. maybe one day down the line i will throw them as well. 

gave away 6 carton boxes filled with 2 ml 5ml syringes to the grey haired lovely bengali. 

saw a difference in the room i was using for storage. 

so started the process again. 

the time and chronology escapes me. but these are a few pics that got me into the road of 3 trunks of books 1 off cutlery and one of sentimental hoards.

tick tock tick tock

 i have been asked to move. 

the clocks counting down. 

89 days left. 

good thing i have been decluttering! 

i guess i havent been documenting the before and after much coz i didnt think i was going to post about it. 

and i havent taken pictures of all the things that have left the house. 

but its time to share!

sometime 3 months after i started and sent away and gave away clothes... 

this was my 7th haul

2 weeks later

a week later

a few bags of clothes later....

a few sacks of paper clutter was abraca dabraed and i didnt feel like i needed to take a picture... 

it was getting exhausting... 

decision after decision. 

i was tired. 

didnt feel like it was making any difference. 

everytime i cleared a space. it kept ovewrflowing with things. 

i didnt realise i had so much crap. 

i just reorganised what i had and said i couldnt do this any more. it was tiring. 

i was done. 

decluttering was crap and it wasnt making a difference in my life. 

i mean what difference does me keeping or throwing anything make anyway!

decluttering update

 i know i used to think i decluttered to get rid of my feelings. avoidance really. but as i kept at it. i feel lighter. physically. theres this channel called minimal mom where she keeps saying managing inventory. i thought all of that was bollocks from someone who is privilaged to have a lot of things in life, not me. a person who has worked tooth and nail. worked 3 shifts for 3 years and then had a loss personally and picked up my pieces from nothing. no roof over my head with no clothes to wear but for a green kuta and bathroom slippers. to studying further and buying everything i have by squirreling away little by little. 

then i realised as i kept at it , donating and dumping anything i wasnt ok having. it meant i store less. it meant if i move next i need not have to spend on an expensive uhaul which is huge. i could do with a smaller truck. 

also i realised i have lesser to clean up after once all of this goes out of the house. 

i sleep better. i spend more time with my little one instead of cleaning up.

it takes me 15 mins to reset the house what would take me 3 hours earlier. 

my sunday routines have become more relaxed instead of dauting and exhausting. 

it helps. trust me. do it. 

i thought if i go through a box once and decide what to keep and what to give away once it was done. i was wrong. 6 months later i opened the boxes again and reslised i dont need half of what i have kept. 

maybe the firsxt time around my brain kept telling me what if incase we need it. now my mind says very consciously. if i need the book i can get it online. if not we have the library. if thats not an option i could ask my friends for their copies read and return. i dont HAVE to have a copy. 

the kitchen has been cut in half. utensils only for 2 days. ensures me doing my dishes if i want to eat. i have stopped eating out. cold turkey. and because i spend less time cleaning or feeling tired looking at my crap and feeling tired thinking of cleaning i am able to cook. i never realised having less stuff meant more time. i just tohought it meant more space. 

the second round of decluttering my books is done today. and i have emptied 2 and a half boxes. so now i am down to 2 trunks of books one of cutlery and trinklets, mementoes and such. im sure it will dwindle further if i keep at it. 

keep at it i will!

lets declutter!

a ten year old and my waist!

 a 11 year old boy was walking a cute little retriever. not little. he was huge. half the size of the boy. the retriever plonked himself in the middle of the road. refused to walk anymore. in the middle of his little doggy strike there i was riding my scooter along. i stopped watching the cuteness unfold and the good boi made eye contact with me so i went and asked the child if i may pet the good boi and he happily said yes. while i started petting him the good boi got onto my scooter and asked for a ride and gave me those big hazelnut poor ol' good boi look and the softy that i am i found his charm irresistable so i asked can i ride him up and down for 100 meters so he is ok? the child said ok aunty! and i started the scooter and the child said ill come too! i said alright lets go! 

30 seconds and 50 meters later i feel the child. a 11 year old boys hand creep up my waist!!! 

i stopped and said take your hand off. get down. i had to push good boi off my scooter and leave. 

what in the world is happening! a 11 year old boy! i am older than his mom! it was so upsetting! i remember at his age i had no inkling of all this. i assure you. the friends i had as boys up until my eleventh grade didnt look at us girls differently. thats when harmless crushes happened. it was never a lets touch this aunties waist or lets bump into a woman to feel her chest. looks like us women arent safe from ten year olds as well. 

here i was thinking i need to watch only for the older men. the 6 and 60 rules apply here as well as in medicine i guess. 

I miss you

I have been decluttering what ever little I have for over a year now. 

I literally am down to 6 trunks of books and 2 trunks of work clothes and nothing else. OK plus the kitchen. 

But I still feel like I am living with clutter all the time. It drains me everytime I try to clean up. 

I feel like I have too much inventory to manage but it's seeming like it's all books. I gave away all my extra copies and I still have too much. 

So I started cleaning again. I have now come to realize clean when I need to get out of depression or anxiety. 

I have noticed I let the house go when I am feeling lost or loss. 

I lost my brother last month. March 21st  9 days before his 15th birthday. 

I didn't live with him everyday under the same roof. But he was who I turned to when I needed stability and reassurance. His warmth. His presence. His ability to fill the room. 

I need to clean. 

I need to grieve. I just don't know how. 

My first loss was agni. My moral compass. 

My second. My brother. My anchor. 

I don't think I can handle any more losses. 

I miss you my little warm body. 

I don't think I can get over your not being there. 

I miss you.

Odie Krishna Iyer

01 April 2006 to 21 march 2023. 3.47pm. 

the drive and thoughts

 i didnt feel like penning down anything for a while now. Agni is gone. my spine... not really but more of a compass to me and my wandering thoughts. that man was the one who could ground me while being supportive. i just couldnt cope. still cant. but i keep playing his recording whenever i need to speak to him or am prompted to text him. somehow that 40 second recording of his voice which was circulated around by some girl i have met or seen maybe 2 or 3 times in his vicinity has made me not really ok but atleast i have been able to hear his voic. thats something no?

ive not been able to wake up. the thing is. its not like i spoke to him everyday but he is the one person who made me feel its okay to be the way i am and things will still be okay. 

his number is being used by a friend of his. so i cant even spam message his number with my questions and thoughts. and only now instead of him when i ask his friend i  dont get a reply is when i realise how he really did prioritise me. how he never forwarded all messages sthat he forwarded others. it was very particular. things that he knew i needed. 

it is true you do appriciate a person so much more when they arent there any more. 

a few years before agni left a friend told me i was crazy of thinking of buying a place in the city of temples and said pointedly the people you know there arent really going to be there always remember that while you go running for his dads funeral. i was like why is this person saying that. but the eve of  Agnis last hours at his home, while i was out on the road looking for his phone in the darkness those words kept ringing in my ears. i dont have a reason to go to the temple city anymore. 

i dont have a reason to be open with anyone anymore.