Tuesday, March 21, 2023
Friday, March 17, 2023
the drive and thoughts
i didnt feel like penning down anything for a while now. Agni is gone. my spine... not really but more of a compass to me and my wandering thoughts. that man was the one who could ground me while being supportive. i just couldnt cope. still cant. but i keep playing his recording whenever i need to speak to him or am prompted to text him. somehow that 40 second recording of his voice which was circulated around by some girl i have met or seen maybe 2 or 3 times in his vicinity has made me not really ok but atleast i have been able to hear his voic. thats something no?
ive not been able to wake up. the thing is. its not like i spoke to him everyday but he is the one person who made me feel its okay to be the way i am and things will still be okay.
his number is being used by a friend of his. so i cant even spam message his number with my questions and thoughts. and only now instead of him when i ask his friend i dont get a reply is when i realise how he really did prioritise me. how he never forwarded all messages sthat he forwarded others. it was very particular. things that he knew i needed.
it is true you do appriciate a person so much more when they arent there any more.
a few years before agni left a friend told me i was crazy of thinking of buying a place in the city of temples and said pointedly the people you know there arent really going to be there always remember that while you go running for his dads funeral. i was like why is this person saying that. but the eve of Agnis last hours at his home, while i was out on the road looking for his phone in the darkness those words kept ringing in my ears. i dont have a reason to go to the temple city anymore.
i dont have a reason to be open with anyone anymore.
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