Last morning I lost the person I was most influenced by in my entire life.
The person who made me who I am.
And I don't say this lightly.
I a wee little girl. Round rolly polly healthy squeaky voice told my mother. I love Bruce Lee. I want to be like him.
My mother heard me. But being a single parent struggling to keep up with the day that just didn't have enough hours said oh good let's see if you do.
At school my teachers said "your daughter is too quiet. She needs to interact with people. Maybe she has pent up emotions inside. She needs you to put her in an activity that will help her vent" the teacher Ms jayasree madhukar. I won't forget her because she's the reason I got the best thing that happened to me.
We were passing by this red and black poster. I said oooh amma look Bruce Lee. It was the Signature black and red "Learn Karate with Shihan Hussaini! " poster. So my mom and I went in a week to meet him. His tiny room. With a nice big front room that I later was told is called the dojo. My mom and shihan sat near the gate in wicker chairs, sharing a cup of tea. Shihan with his charming disarming smile and head full of thick dark hair a well kept Mush and the most striking deep voice. The added was the amazing perfume that got me all heady and looking at him with heart eyes.
Just watching this man wearing his blue shirt big watch a great eyes.
I joined the same day. Got a tour. "This- my room. You come to me anytime you need anything. My door is always open. Anything. This -dojo. "
That was it.
A tailor came took measurements, a week later. I wore my dress, uniform. My gi.
A white bealt. Deep voice says surya, come here! From inside. He was watching. Of the whole lot of must be 25 30 students. He called out.
I went in.
Said come.
He tied my white belt while I stood in front of him.
I missed my classes for a week. I was in yellow belt. He called my home land line, asked why is your daughter not here.
My mother said sorry I didnt have the cash to pay the class fees. I will send my daughter with a cheque. I went the next day. Submitted the cheque to the sensei incharge 2 days later I get a paper with a yellow tag on it.
I took it home.
A line across the cheque saying cancelled. The yellow paste it saying I will not take any fees from you. Just make sure your daughter comes to class.
Signed Shihan Hussaini.
I have the cheque and the post it.
Preserved to remind me. There are good people.
A man so busy. Took note. Reached out.
3 tournaments lot of broken slabs swollen legs medals.
12 years later. My black belt grading. Went to pay fees he's like "what's all this new habit" and turned away. Didn't tell me no. Didn't tell me leave. Just turned his face away smiling. Eyes crinkling.
Never made me feel like he was doing me a favor. Never at any point made me feel small. Ever.
On grading day. He came for the 20km jog with us. His bad knees not stopping him. Following us in his jeep when he couldn't jog with us anymore. Later telling my mother, "she has long legs and knows how to use them, others are jogging same distance she takes two strides and covers the same distance" they sit outside the dojo in the same wicker chairs at 1am. Middle of night sharing a cup of tea and sharing laughs over how exhausted the 4 me, sensei manikanda, sensei moses and Rajendra were (Rajendra didn't make it through the 3 day grading process).
3am. Shihan distributes the belts. Exhilaration. 4.30 my mom and shihan sharing relief and a cup of tea. Again at gate facing the sea watching the sunrise together before she had to leave for work.
My father was never there. The strong, quiet, kind, guiding, nudging, at times whacking male presence was shihan.
The father I never had.
The only person I would argue with fight with cry at coz I'd be so mad and frustrated that Noone understands.
The one that I once said "shihan I am angry and want to cry but I also don't want to cry, what do I do"
He says " give me 10 push ups and fight with me. " he walks out to the dojo. Sternly tells his other student to clear the floor. A few left the room. A handful stayed out of curiosity.
He put on my gloves for me. He bowed to me and I was surprised. Says. You are my equal. So bow back. Spar. For 45 mins. Let's say that again FORTY FIVE minute! In the ring. With Shihan. He kept letting me land my kicks. Blocked my punches. But all my kicks landed. Every single one. His stomach. His back. His face. His shoulder. His knee. His poor wear knee. Not a wince. After I was spent he said "now you cry. Cry because you are tired. Not for anyone else. Always remember"
Oh my master.
The surprise on your face when I entered your hospital room a week back. Though I had declared 10 years back "i will never come see you because you have wronged my friend".
You had no idea how to respond you said come back tomorrow. I waited for 40 mins outside blocking entry of everyone to give you the privacy you wanted.
Finally when you called me in.
And asked me where I have been the last ten years.
When you held my hand and said the other friends that had come can wait outside.
When I teared up, you told me you weren't afraid of being gone. All I could say. I never thought there will be a time without you, in my mind you'll always be there. There wasn't once I tot you shihan won't be around. And you pulled me in for a hug. The last hug.
The last time I held your hand and you held back. The last time you looked at me with that twinkle and gave a silent reassuring blink of the eye with a light smirk. Your right lip curving up with the small laugh line showing your amusement.
The way you introduced me there to the doctors and your younger disciples." My student, also a doctor. " the pride.
Oh Shihan!
The call came. I ran.
I cleaned you. I dressed you. Brought you to your home. Insisted on you entering your favorite room through the door and not the window like a thief.
Removed all traces of the hospital from you.
Helped you get dressed. One. Last. Time.
Tied your belt.
My master. The person who tied my first belt. In the same room. I tie your belt. One. Last.time.
Oh the father I never had.
I bathed you according to the quazi who said no one else but 2 men in the room insisted I be in the room. Asked me to help give you the sacred bath. Asked me "waapa Hai aapke?"(is he your father?)
Yes. "Ho!. Wappa Hai mere" (yes. He is my father)
Oh my Shihan. Oh my rock. Oh my deep River. Oh my deep Sea.
Rest in Bravery.
-always.
Your Student.
Grateful Forever.
Dojo Arigato Dorei Matzu Shihan
(Thank you for having taught me)
